The setting sun painted the roads outside Axel a vivid orange.
The trip back to town should have been quiet and exhausted. After all, they had just gone through a life-and-death battle and lost a massive treasure.
But thanks to a certain someone who had just come back from a little trip to the underworld, the whole journey was absurdly noisy.
"Hey, Kōichi, listen to me. It really was completely different." Kazuma walked beside Kōichi with his hands behind his head, wearing a dreamy, lovestruck grin and completely ignoring the murderous glare Aqua kept shooting at him from the side.
"That room... how do I put it? It was filled with this faint floral scent. Not the smell of cheap perfume, but the kind of fragrance that feels like it purifies your soul. Eris-sama was sitting there in a chair, and her long silver hair was sparkling in the light..."
"That's a wig! It was definitely a wig!" Aqua stomped along behind them, angrily kicking pebbles by the roadside. "And that woman absolutely does not smell like flowers! That's just her trying to cover up the guilty stench of stuffing pads in her bra!"
"Shut up! Only a Goddess who reeks of alcohol and vomit would be jealous of her!" Kazuma glared back at Aqua, then immediately turned around again and leaned conspiratorially toward Kōichi. "The important thing is her attitude, Kōichi! Her attitude! Do you know what she said to me? She said, 'Satou-san, your life may have been short, but you really did your best.' Just listen to that! So gentle! So healing! Not like a certain someone who would only say, 'Wahahaha, what a pathetic way for a shut-in to die!'"
Kōichi had originally thought Kazuma was just venting while he carried the still-sleeping Megumin on his shoulder.
But the more he listened, the slower his own steps became.
As someone from another world, Kōichi knew Aqua was technically a Goddess, but the way she acted was just too... grounded. Or maybe underground.
Greedy, a drunk, stupid, troublemaking, and always ordering people around like they were her servants.
Compared to that, the Eris Kazuma was describing, gentle, dignified, considerate, the kind of Goddess who even poured tea for the dead, was basically the ideal other-world Goddess template.
"Hey, Kazuma." Kōichi could not help asking. "That Eris... is she really that cute? Like... cuter than Wiz?"
"That's a whole different category of cute!" Kazuma instantly perked up, giving a thumbs-up with the conviction of a missionary. "Wiz is the mature big-sister type, but Eris-sama... she's first-love cute! The kind where the moment you see her, you think, 'Ah, if it's to protect this smile, I wouldn't mind dying all over again.' And even though Aqua says she's padded, I was really close just now, and I took a careful look... those softly rounded curves had such subtle beauty! Absolutely top-tier!"
"Gulp..."
Kōichi swallowed.
He knew he should not, but a picture was already forming in his head of a silver-haired beauty smiling shyly.
Then he turned to look at the blue-haired Goddess beside him, who was digging in her nose with an annoyed expression and flicking the results away.
"..."
A sudden urge to die welled up inside him.
"Hey, Kazuma." Kōichi stared distractedly at the thick grass by the roadside. "Do you think there are any monsters around here that can kill someone in one hit? Like a relative of the One-Punch Bear, or maybe a giant boar or something?"
"Hey! Kōichi! What's with that dangerous look?!" Aqua immediately sensed something was wrong and rushed over to grab his arm. "You are not allowed to die! You are my follower, self-appointed or not! If you dare go see that padded woman, I'll... I'll turn your corpse into a fountain decoration! Then you'll never come back to life!"
"See?! That right there!" Kazuma pointed at Aqua and yelled. "That is the difference! Eris-sama would never say she'd turn someone into a fountain! Kōichi, if you're really doing it, take me with you! This time I absolutely won't let Aqua revive me!"
"Aaaah! I'm so mad!" Aqua clawed at her own hair in frustration. "Why does everyone like that fake woman?! I'm obviously prettier! My divine power is stronger, probably! I have more party tricks! You tasteless mortals!"
"Hey, Aqua."
Kōichi suddenly stopped walking. His voice was unusually calm, as natural as if he were asking what was for dinner.
"What?" Aqua was still sulking over Kazuma's words, kicking stones by the roadside as she answered irritably. "If you want to borrow money, forget it. If you want to say I'm prettier than that padded woman, I might listen out of the kindness of my heart."
"Your Resurrection spell. As long as the body is intact and the person has not been dead for too long, it works one hundred percent of the time, right?"
Kōichi turned around and looked at her with a completely serious expression.
"Huh? Of course it does!" Aqua proudly puffed out her chest. "I'm Aqua-sama, the Goddess of Water! If I want to, I can even bring back a skeleton! What, have you finally realized how amazing I am?"
"Good."
Kōichi nodded, then did something shocking.
He took Megumin off his shoulder like unloading cargo and dropped her onto the grass by the roadside with a thump. Megumin let out a sleepy little "Mmnyah..."
Then Kōichi gripped the Red Oak Staff with both hands and pointed the tip straight at his own chin.
"Since you can revive me, I can die with peace of mind." Kōichi's eyes burned with a fierce fire fueled by curiosity and the soul of a gentleman. "Kazuma was right. If I don't see a top-tier Goddess like that with my own eyes at least once, I won't be able to rest in peace... no, actually, if I die then I can rest in peace. I'll be right back. Just make sure to revive me while I'm still warm."
"W-wait! What are you doing?!"
Aqua's eyes went wide as she stared at Kōichi in horror.
"Lightning. Target: myself!"
"Stop iiiiiit!!!"
Just as the current was about to shoot through Kōichi's head, Aqua let out a scream like a pig being slaughtered and lunged at him like a blue koala, clinging to his arm and yanking it downward with all her strength.
Crack!
The Lightning that had been aimed at his chin went off course because of her interference, grazing past his ear and turning his stylish hairstyle into a full-blown afro.
"Let go, Aqua!" Kōichi struggled desperately, trying to aim the staff back at himself. "Don't stop me! That's the stairway to my dreams! I'm only going to take one look! Just one look and I'll come right back! I don't want to spend the rest of my life listening to Kazuma brag about this!"
"I'm not letting you go! You're not allowed to die!" Aqua hung off Kōichi, crying with snot and tears everywhere. "You're my follower! Your soul belongs to the Axis Cult! If you go to that woman's territory and she seduces you away, what am I supposed to do?! Then I'd lose a servant I can order around... no, I mean, I'd lose an important companion!"
"Kōichi! Don't give up! You can do it!" Kazuma was watching the chaos with complete delight and even started cheering him on. "Just bite your tongue off or something! It'll be quick! Just one shot! Then you can see that angel! And remember to tell her Kazuma Satou will love her forever!"
"Shut up, shut-in!" Aqua freed one hand and smashed a God Blow into Kazuma's head, sending him rolling twice across the ground.
"Damn it... if magic won't work..." Seeing Aqua clinging desperately to his staff, Kōichi steeled himself and pulled out a little meat knife from his waist.
"Then I'll go see Eris the physical way!"
"Heal! High Heal!"
Aqua's reaction speed was terrifying. The moment Kōichi cut a bloody line across his neck, the wound was instantly healed.
Cut again, heal again.
Cut again, heal again.
In just a few seconds, Kōichi bounced back and forth over the line between life and death more than ten times.
"Let me die! Please, just let me die once!"
"You are not dying! Stay alive and work hard to pay off your debts!"
Passing adventurers and merchant caravans stared at the scene:
A Wizard frantically trying to stab himself, a Goddess crying while spamming healing magic on him, and a rogue yelling from the side, "Harder! Don't chicken out!"
And in the grass nearby lay a Crimson Demon girl like a corpse.
"...Is this some new kind of play?"
"Don't look. You'll catch idiot germs."
At last, Kōichi found a perfect opening.
"Look! Premium bubbly over there!" he suddenly shouted, pointing in the opposite direction.
"Where?! Where?!" Aqua instinctively let go and turned to look.
In that split second, Kōichi drove the meat knife straight into his own heart without hesitation.
His vision quickly went black, and the sounds of the world faded away.
The last thing he heard was Aqua's heart-wrenching scream.
"Kōichi, you lying bastard!!!"
...
When Kōichi opened his eyes again, he found himself in a room filled with soft light.
There was no noise from Axel, no Aqua screaming, only a faint floral fragrance and a calm, comforting stillness.
Just as Kazuma had said, a beautiful silver-haired girl sat on a chair not far away, looking at him with an expression that was both surprised and puzzled.
"Um... Kōichi-san?" Her voice was as clear and soothing as spring water, more healing than any ASMR Kōichi had ever heard. "While I do welcome lost souls... stabbing yourself to death just to see me... isn't that a little too reckless?"
The Goddess Eris.
The legendary Goddess of Luck.
At this very moment, she was tilting her head slightly, her violet eyes filled with helplessness and just a trace of... shyness?
"Eris-sama!" Kōichi leaped up from the floor in excitement, his soul-body absurdly light, and slid straight to his knees in front of her. "I finally got to meet you! Kazuma wasn't lying! You really are the last shred of conscience left in this world! A true Goddess!"
"Huh? E-eh?" Eris was startled by Kōichi's enthusiasm and waved her hands in a fluster. "Um... please don't praise me like that... I'm only doing my duty... and as for being a true Goddess... Aqua-senpai is a wonderful Goddess too..."
"Please don't mention that blue thing!" Kōichi clutched his chest in agony. "Every day spent with her is torture! Only here, looking at your smile, do I feel like I'm truly alive! Ah, Eris-sama, could you scold me once? If it's in your voice, even being scolded would sound heavenly!"
"Huh?!" Eris's cheeks instantly flushed bright red, and she shrank back in a panic. "Um... that kind of request is a little... you... idiot?"
"Oooooohhhhhh!!!" Kōichi felt like his soul had been purified. His whole being ascended. "Amazing! This is the legendary shy Goddess scolding! If Kazuma heard this, he'd be so jealous he'd kill himself all over again!"
Seeing Kōichi so blissfully entranced, Eris seemed to relax a little.
She let out a soft sigh, but a gentle smile rose to her lips.
"You really are impossible... You work so hard while you're alive, and even here you still have so much energy. But Kōichi-san, while I'm touched that you went this far just to see me, life is precious, you know. You mustn't do this again."
"Yes, ma'am! I shall obey your divine command!" Kōichi sat up straight like a well-behaved elementary school student. "Um... Eris-sama, since I'm already here, could we chat a little? Like whether you have a boyfriend, or whether you could add a little to my Luck stat..."
"A boyfriend... no, I don't have one..." Eris played shyly with a strand of her hair. "As for Luck... that's an innate attribute, so even a Goddess can't change it freely. But as a special service, I can keep you company and talk for a bit..."
Just as the two of them were getting along beautifully, the mood was perfect, and Kōichi was even about to ask whether he could touch those legendary breast pads, no, strike that, sacred garments.
A familiar, annoying pulling sensation suddenly rose from beneath his feet.
"Huh?" Eris looked surprised as Kōichi's body began turning transparent. "This is... the pull of a Resurrection spell? Ah, it seems Aqua-senpai is calling you back."
"No! Don't!" Kōichi desperately grabbed the floor, trying to resist the force. "I'm not going back! Not to that world full of vomit and debt! I want to stay here! I want to be Eris-sama's watchdog!"
"Kōichi-san, please don't say such strange things..." Eris smiled and waved to him. There was a trace of helplessness there, but her eyes stayed gentle. "Even though it was brief, I'm very glad I got to talk with you. Please go back and live well. And don't die so casually again, all right? Also... if you can, please be a little kinder to Aqua-senpai sometimes. She's actually... rather lonely too."
"Eris-sama—!!!"
Kōichi's scream echoed through the pure white space.