The atmosphere at the table suddenly turned a little strange.
Kazuma clutched the 50,000 Eris in both hands so tightly that his knuckles were starting to whiten.
His ability to control his expression had clearly broken down completely. One second, the corners of his mouth would creep up into an outrageously sleazy grin. The next, he would forcibly press them back down and try to look serious, making his whole face look like it was going through some kind of violent spasm.
His already perpetually unmotivated-looking eyes were now firing frantic signals at Kōichi.
(Blink. Blink. Blink furiously.)
(Eye signal: Hey! Kōichi! Money! We've got money! That place! That long-awaited, succubus-run, dream-making paradise for men! Let's go right now!)
Of course Kōichi knew exactly what he was thinking.
Before heading into the forest, the two of them had already spent half the night studying that crumpled flyer together. But looking at Kazuma's crazed expression, like he wanted to sprout wings and fly there this instant, Kōichi suddenly felt the urge to mess with him and decided to play dumb.
"What's wrong, Kazuma?" Kōichi calmly speared a piece of Giant Toad meat with his fork and popped it into his mouth, then looked at him with concern. "Why do your eyes keep twitching? Did Aqua reconnect your optic nerves wrong when she revived you?"
"Pffft.!" Aqua, who had been drinking soup, sprayed it straight out. Wiping her mouth, she burst out laughing. "Wahahaha! That's totally possible! I was in such a hurry reviving him just now that maybe I really did shove something into the wrong place! Hey, Kazuma, want me to kill you one more time and revive you again? I promise I'll line everything up perfectly this time!"
"Shut up, you useless water-spraying idiot Goddess!" Kazuma snarled, then turned back to Kōichi and started gesturing wildly again.
First he pointed at the money in his pocket, then at the hidden passage by the guild's side door where a little pink lantern hung, and finally he pressed his hands together, putting on the most pitiful Please, brother, help me out here.
"You need to use the bathroom?" Kōichi asked, pretending to have just realized. His voice was loud enough for half the guild to hear. "Come on, everyone gets the urge sometimes, no need to be embarrassed. Though that direction looks like it leads to the back alley. Don't tell me you prefer doing it outside?"
Several burly adventurers nearby immediately burst into laughter over their drinks.
"Hey...! Kōichi! You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!" Kazuma's face instantly turned red-purple. Lowering his voice, he leaned in close to Kōichi's ear and hissed through gritted teeth, "A succubus! A succubus! Don't you want to see one? Weren't you just saying you wanted to die and meet Eris? Now there's an even more direct way to feel so good you ascend to heaven, and you're standing here pretending to be pure?!"
"Succubus?" Megumin, who had been busily stuffing her face, suddenly looked up. Her crimson eye was full of innocent, chuunibyou curiosity. "Isn't that the evil kind of monster from the legends that drains a man's vital essence? I read about them in the Crimson Demon textbooks, but I never expected a high-level monster like that to exist in a beginner town like Axel."
She set down her spoon and looked at Kōichi and Kazuma with a serious expression.
"Kōichi, Kazuma, as your companion, I have a duty to warn you. Creatures like that lure people into false illusions and leave them unable to pull themselves free, eventually draining their magic and crushing their will. For those of us who pursue the ultimate magic, that is an absolute taboo."
"Exactly!" Aqua chimed in, not realizing at all what kind of place it was and simply wanting to oppose Kazuma. "What's so great about some trashy place like that? If you've got that kind of money, you'd be better off buying me a few bottles of Dew of Longing, that expensive liquor! I can perform flowers, birds, wind, and moon for you in your dreams!"
"Who wants to watch you do some useless talent show?!" Kazuma finally snapped. He shot to his feet, grabbed Kōichi by the arm, and started dragging him outside. "Kōichi, come with me for a second! We need to discuss some important tactics in private! About tomorrow's hunting assignments!"
Kōichi stumbled as he was yanked up, snatching the staff leaning against the table as he went.
Looking at how desperate Kazuma was, Kōichi couldn't help feeling a flicker of anticipation himself.
After all, in a world full of scammer Goddesses and explosion-obsessed lolis, if he didn't at least experience the final scrap of kindness that was a succubus shop, then what was even the point of being reincarnated?
"Alright, alright. Since you're this insistent, let's go discuss some 'tactics.'" Kōichi turned back and waved at the suspicious-looking Aqua and Megumin. "You two keep eating. We'll be right back. Megumin, when you're done, remember to get the key to our room from the counter. Don't fall asleep in the guild."
"Oh... then hurry back. I still want to hear you explain the advanced applications of beginner lightning magic, Kōichi."
Megumin muttered that, then went right back to enjoying the Giant Toad meat.
Kazuma dragged Kōichi at a jog all the way to the guild's side door.
The moment they passed through the hidden little entrance, the atmosphere in front of them instantly turned suggestive.
Pink magical lights gave off an enticing glow, and a sweet fragrance hung in the air, completely cutting off the noise of the guild hall.
"Huff... huff..." Kazuma came to a stop. Under the pink glow, his smile looked downright deranged. "Kōichi, welcome to... the real fantasy world."
With trembling hands, he pulled out the wish form, now crumpled beyond recognition from being kneaded so many times.
"Come on, Kōichi. Write down your wish. Whether it's Eris-sama, Manager Wiz, or even that blue idiot... as long as you want it, they'll all serve you in your dreams tonight."
The moment they pushed open the hidden door marked Men Only, an overly sweet cloud of incense rushed at them, so thick and cloying it felt like it could melt your brain.
The room was decorated with incredible boldness. Pale pink and lavender gauze hung everywhere, soft cushions were scattered around, and the walls were covered in risque posters that could make an innocent virgin combust on the spot with a single glance.
"Hehehe... Kōichi, can you smell it? This is the scent of freedom. The scent of mature women!" Kazuma let out a sinister laugh like some final boss villain as he sank into a gigantic heart-shaped sofa. In one hand he held a cup of complimentary warm water, yet somehow drank it with the gravitas of a man savoring a vintage masterpiece. "Tonight, I, Satou Kazuma, will finally bid farewell to that miserable past of being tormented by an idiot Goddess and an explosion loli!"
"Cut the crap, Kazuma." Kōichi was wearing a similarly depraved grin as he humored him, but the moment he actually picked up the pink dream order form and took the quill in hand, his fingers stiffened involuntarily. "Now that I really have to write it... I suddenly feel a lot of pressure. Should I go with being surrounded by gentle older women, or 'conquering a proud Crusader'? If I write it too bluntly, I feel like the succubus girls will look down on me. But if I'm too vague, I'm worried they'll get the wrong idea. What if they end up giving me a sow in the dream?"
"Tch. That's because you're still too green." Kazuma clicked his tongue, but aside from a huge Eris written at the top, his own form was also full of scribbles and corrections.
Clearly, he was torn too, between having the Goddess gently pour him tea and making her cry while he did all sorts of things to her.
Suddenly, Kazuma's eyes shifted, and a dangerously sly gleam appeared in them.
"Hey, Kōichi. At this rate, we'll still be writing by sunrise. So how about this. We swap forms. You write mine, and I write yours!"
"Huh? Swap?"
Kōichi raised an eyebrow and looked at him suspiciously.
"That's right! An XP challenge!" The more Kazuma talked, the more excited he got. He slapped the table and stood up. "We each write down the fantasy the other guy secretly wants to try most but is too embarrassed to say out loud. That way there's more surprise, and we also get to see what kind of pervert the other person thinks we are! And to keep it fair, absolutely no peeking while the other person's writing. Once we're done, we fold them up and hand them straight to the succubus clerk! Well? You in?"
Kōichi looked at Kazuma's face, which was putting on an absurdly sincere I swear I'll write you a wonderful dream expression, and sneered inwardly.
This guy was absolutely trying to screw me over. One hundred percent he was planning to write some hellish nightmare for me, like being licked all over by a hundred Giant Toads in shifts.
But when it came to screwing people over, how could the king of sadists possibly lose?
"Sure. Deal!"
Kōichi flashed a smile even brighter than Kazuma's, quickly handed over his form, and took the blank one from him instead. "Whoever peeks is as much of an idiot as Aqua! Come on, let's offer our blessings for each other's happiness!"
And so, beneath the suggestive lighting of the succubus shop, the two men sat back to back, each harboring his own evil intentions, while their quills scratched frantically across the paper.
All sorts of twisted ideas flashed through Kōichi's mind.
Heh heh, Kazuma, Kazuma... since you like Eris-sama so much, then let's add a little extra flavor to your dream.
For example, just as you're about to kiss gentle Eris-sama, she suddenly turns into Aqua, sprays "Nature's Beauty" right into your face, and then demands one million Eris in resurrection fees.
Behind Kōichi, Kazuma's shoulders were trembling violently too, clearly immersed in the malicious joy of his own creative process.
"Done!"
"I'm done too!"
The two turned around at the same time, folded their papers into tight creases in perfect sync, then handed them over with utterly righteous expressions to the succubus girl who had appeared beside them at some point.
Dressed in a black lace negligee, with a heart-shaped tail swaying behind her, the succubus took the two slips of paper and glanced over them. The smile on her face immediately stiffened, and there was even a faint trace of sympathy in it.
"Um... sirs, are you sure... you really want to experience these tonight? Our service is based on fulfilling our guests' wishes, but wishes of this... this level are a bit too avant-garde even for us succubi..."
"No problem! This is a man's romance!"
Kazuma gave her a thumbs-up, his eyes as firm as if he were heading off to a holy war.
"That's right. Please present it exactly as written."
Kōichi held back his laughter. He was already imagining the look of despair on Kazuma's face when he woke up tomorrow morning.
"...Very well." The succubus girl sighed and put away the slips. "Then please go straight to sleep once you return to your lodgings tonight. One of our succubi will enter your dreams in the middle of the night and construct this... avant-garde paradise for you. We wish you an unforgettable evening."
When they stepped out of the succubus shop, Kōichi and Kazuma walked side by side through the streets of Axel, their shadows stretched long by the moonlight.
The two patted each other on the shoulder, laughing like the closest of brothers.
"Kōichi, you're definitely going to thank me tonight."
"Likewise, Kazuma. You're about to experience a climax unlike anything you've ever known."
At the same time, both of them cursed inwardly:
Drop dead, you depraved lecher!