The late-night inn had been wrapped in peaceful moonlight, until two almost overlapping screams, shrill as pigs being led to slaughter, ripped that calm to pieces.
"Waaaaahhh!! Get away! Get away from me!! Don't wipe your snot all over my soul!!"
Kōichi shot upright in bed, drenched in cold sweat like he'd just been hauled out of the water.
His mind was still frantically replaying the last scene of that dream.
Just as he was about to kiss Eris-sama's lips, soft as cherry blossom petals, that sacred face suddenly twisted like a melting Slime. Then, in the very next instant, Aqua's face, with two glistening streams of snot hanging from her nose and her mouth wide open in that idiotic "wahahaha" laugh, came smashing straight at him with savage force.
In that moment, Kōichi felt like both his fetishes and his soul had been hit by a nuclear blast.
At the same time, something heavy crashed to the floor in the room next door, followed by Kazuma's howl of despair and self-doubt.
"Why... why is there some weird thing on her?! Eris-sama... no, that definitely wasn't Eris-sama! Kōichi!! You bastard!! What the hell did you add to my settings?!"
Five minutes later, in the inn hallway.
Kōichi and Kazuma ran into each other under the dim light of an oil lamp, both still in rumpled pajamas.
They were both pale as corpses, with such heavy dark circles it looked like they'd just crawled out of a mine.
Kōichi was still clutching his staff in a death grip, murder in his eyes.
Kazuma, meanwhile, had both hands on his head and was trembling against the wall, muttering over and over, "She was definitely rubbing against me... it felt way too real..."
The kind of line that could get a man arrested.
"Kazuma Satou..." Kōichi ground out through clenched teeth, his voice cold as polar ice. "Aqua? You turned her into Aqua at the very last second? Are you trying to make me throw up every time I see something blue for the rest of my life? You sick, twisted shut-in!"
"And you've got the nerve to say that to me?!" Kazuma snapped his head up, his eyes bloodshot as he jabbed a finger at Kōichi. "I was holding Eris-sama! It was such a sacred, blissful moment! And then. Then what the hell was that thing that suddenly popped out from behind her, something I'm way too familiar with?! Did you seriously add weird extra parts to a goddess in my dream?! You hopeless futa freak! Give me back my innocent heart!!"
"That was so you'd understand there's no such thing as a free lunch in this world, only roses with thorns!" Kōichi shot back without missing a beat. "And I specifically told the Succubus to make that thing with the highest-grade mimicry possible! So? Surprised? Shocked? Did it give you that deep sense of male solidarity, like men really do understand men?"
"I'm gonna kill you! I swear I'm gonna kill you!!"
Kazuma roared and launched himself at Kōichi, and the two of them immediately started wrestling.
While they rolled around in the hallway, yanking each other's hair and trying to strangle each other, a nearby door creaked open.
Aqua stepped out in a bubble-patterned nightgown, rubbing her sleepy eyes and carrying an enormous wine bottle in her arms.
"You two are so loud... what are you doing in the middle of the night? Don't tell me you're performing some weird ritual between men. Huh? Kōichi, why do you look like you just ate a hundred Slimes?"
The instant Kōichi saw her face, the trauma from the dream came crashing back like a tidal wave.
"Urk... blegh!"
His face went green. He shoved Kazuma away and braced himself against the wall as he gagged.
"Hey! What kind of reaction is that?! You're seriously throwing up just from seeing me? I'm a goddess, you know! The beautiful goddess Aqua-sama!" Aqua stomped her foot in fury, then turned to Kazuma. "Kazuma! Hurry up and do something about him! How dare he show a goddess that kind of disres..."
"Don't touch me! Stay away from me!" Kazuma scrambled backward like he'd been set on fire, staring in horror at Aqua's lower half, even though there was obviously nothing there. "How do I know you're not hiding some kind of surprise too?! This fantasy world is terrifying... goddesses are terrifying... I want to go back to Japan! I want to go home!!"
"Hah? You two have definitely lost your minds!"
Aqua gave them both a look of utter disgust, then turned and went back into her room.
Only then did Kōichi and Kazuma notice a timid figure standing at the far end of the hallway.
It was the clerk they had seen earlier at the Succubus shop. She was wearing a loose cloak now, and she looked at the two of them with a face full of guilt.
"Um... you two... we're terribly sorry. Your request was just... a little too... too shocking, so the sister in charge of building the dream accidentally switched the magic output to real-sensation mode while she was working... So, um, if this left you with any psychological trauma, our shop can offer counseling services at twenty percent off..."
"Get lost!!"
Kōichi and Kazuma roared in unison.
That night, under Axel's sky, two men's dreams were utterly shattered, replaced by psychological scars that would probably stay with them for life.
Morning sunlight streamed through the dining hall windows onto the table. It should have been a hopeful new day, but the mood at breakfast was as heavy as if the Demon King's Army were bearing down on them.
Kōichi and Kazuma sat side by side, yet it felt as though an invisible Mariana Trench lay between them.
Kazuma was curled up in his chair, staring blankly at the fried eggs in front of him. He poked at the yolk now and then with his fork, moving so mechanically it was hard not to wonder whether his soul had already left his body.
Kōichi was in even worse shape.
"Hey, hey, Kōichi! Look, the bread came out so nice and crispy today! Wahahaha, time to eat!"
Sitting across from him, Aqua let out a bright, idiotic laugh and opened her mouth wide, ready to take a huge bite of bread slathered in jam.
The instant she opened her mouth, that image of Eris-sama suddenly turning into Aqua started replaying in Kōichi's mind on an endless loop.
Those crystal-clear strings of snot, that warped grin, that brainless expression capable of destroying any man's fantasy, all of it overlapped perfectly with the blue-haired girl enthusiastically biting into bread right in front of him.
"Urgh... blegh!" Kōichi clapped a hand over his mouth. His face went from pale to a ghastly green in an instant, and a violent spasm in his stomach nearly made him spray last night's still-undigested Giant Toad meat all over the table.
"Hey! There you go again!" Aqua slammed her bread down on the table and shrieked, jabbing a finger at Kōichi. "Ever since earlier, every time I say something you start gagging! That makes five times already! Even when I'm dealing with the grossest Undead, I've never seen anyone make a face like they've just witnessed the end of the world! This is blasphemy! You're deliberately targeting me, the beautiful goddess!"
"S-sorry... I just... whenever I see something blue, I start to feel a little... blegh..."
Kōichi gave a weak wave of his hand and buried his head deep in his arms, absolutely refusing to look up at her again.
"Hmph." Kazuma let out a cold snort from beside him, though he wasn't doing much better himself.
He was sitting ramrod straight, with only one corner of his butt barely touching the chair, as if some strange lingering sensation was still stuck there.
He shot Kōichi a sidelong glare and spat through gritted teeth, "Serves you right. Compared to a little visual pollution, I got hit with the full package, physically and mentally... Just you wait, Kōichi. Sooner or later, I'm settling this score."
"You two..." Megumin took an elegant sip of hot cocoa, her crimson eye moving back and forth between the three of them before settling on Kōichi and Kazuma's haggard faces. "Could it be that the tactical discussion you held behind my back last night was actually some sort of forbidden ritual that requires you to injure each other to complete? Those dark circles make you look like vampires drained you dry. And Kazuma, why do you keep holding your lower back?"
"Don't ask... Megumin. This is a man's secret, and a man's tragedy."
Kazuma closed his eyes in pain, and a single tear of regret slid from the corner of his eye.
"You're definitely cursed!" Aqua slapped the table and jumped to her feet, holy, but extremely irritating, light pouring off her. "As the goddess who guides you, I can't just sit by and watch you fall this far! Come on, Kōichi, Kazuma! Accept Aqua-sama's sacred purification! I'll wash all those filthy, disgusting thoughts out of your heads, every last one of those thoughts so gross they make even me want to throw up!"
"Stop! Don't come any closer!!"
Kōichi and Kazuma screamed in terror at the same time.
What a joke. If this idiot goddess got her hands on their heads, who knew what she might purify away?
If she purified their intelligence down to her level too, their lives would be completely over.
Kōichi snatched up his staff, Kazuma grabbed the fork on the table, and with perfect unspoken coordination, both of them leaped backward to open up fighting distance from Aqua.
"Don't run! Get back here! I'm doing this for your own good!"
Lifting her nightgown, Aqua frantically chased the two of them around the dining hall, knocking over several tables and chairs along the way.