In the inn hallway, two disheveled figures were darting around with absurdly flashy footwork, zigzagging in frantic serpent-like patterns as they tried to evade the blue unidentified object behind them, the one radiating holy white light and shouting about purification.
"Stop right there! You two with corrupted souls! Don't run from a goddess's loving mercy!" Aqua yelled, clutching up her nightgown. She'd run so hard that one of her slippers had already flown off, but she didn't care in the slightest. She wore a chilling smile full of maternal, idiotic radiance, while both hands gathered enough purifying light to reduce any evil creature to ashes.
"Damn it! Don't come any closer! If that light hits our foreheads, we'll turn into idiots! We'll definitely turn into idiots!"
Kazuma screamed as he slammed to a stop at the corner, grabbing Kōichi along with him.
Panting hard against the wall, he stared in horror at the bouncing Aqua charging after them, then suddenly whipped his head toward Kōichi, his eyes filled with the ruthlessness of someone making a last stand.
"Hey, Kōichi! Listen to me!" Kazuma grabbed Kōichi by the collar, lowered his voice, and spoke in a rush like he was delivering his dying words. "About last night... about you spiking my dream, I'm letting it slide for now! Let's stop hurting each other. Otherwise, that "Treasure-equipped" goddess and Snotty Aqua are going to become lifelong nightmares for both of us sooner or later!"
Kōichi was bent over by the wall dry-heaving, and the moment he heard the words Snotty Aqua, his stomach churned violently again. "Urgh... d-don't... don't say that... I agree... truce! Absolute truce!"
"Good!" Kazuma nodded hard, a fire of class struggle blazing in his eyes. "Right now, our number one enemy is that dream prototype! If she purifies us, we really will spend the rest of our lives drooling over that idiot! We need to work together and deal with her first, or at least calm her down!"
"Deal with her? How?" Kōichi looked at Aqua, who was already closing in. Her enlarged face triggered his dream PTSD all over again. "Just looking at her makes my arms and legs go weak. I can barely gather my magic anymore..."
"With that!" Kazuma pointed at Kōichi's money pouch, then toward the inn lobby. "That idiot goddess only has two weaknesses: money and alcohol! I'll distract her, and you use the chance to buy that most expensive bottle of Dew of Longing from the front desk! The second you throw that thing on the ground, she'll pounce on it like a wild dog spotting a bone. Then we make a break for the Adventurers Guild!"
"Good idea! As expected of sadistic Kazuma, you're weirdly reliable at times like this!"
Fighting down the nausea, Kōichi forcibly gave himself a mental pep talk.
"I've got you now! Wahahaha! Prepare yourselves, you filthy men!"
Aqua had already lunged at them, that grinning face with imaginary snot practically right in front of him.
"Now, Kōichi, go!" Kazuma roared, and for once, instead of running, he threw his arms wide and planted himself in front of Aqua. "Hey! Aqua! Look over there, that's..."
Before he could finish, Aqua drove a textbook holy flying kick straight into Kazuma's face.
"Out of the way, nuisance! Kōichi's soul looks even darker. I'm purifying him first!!"
"Bwoagh!"
Kazuma spun through the air and crashed into a vase in the hallway, smashing it to pieces.
Taking advantage of the opening, Kōichi forced down the churning in his stomach, sprinted down the stairs, and shouted at the owner behind the counter:
"Boss! Quick! Give me that bottle of Dew of Longing, the one that costs fifty thousand Eris! Hurry! This is life-saving money!!"
By the time Kōichi took the expensive liquor, fragrant with an irresistible aroma, in trembling hands, Aqua had already slid down the stairs with the agility of a hunting lioness.
"Let's see where you think you're runni... huh?"
Aqua froze on the spot. The eyes that had been blazing with the urge to purify suddenly widened the instant she caught that scent of alcohol, and her pupils practically turned into money signs and bubbles.
"That's... that's the legendary most expensive... Dew of Longing in Axel?"
Aqua came to a dead stop, drool flowing from the corner of her mouth even more smoothly than the dream-snot had.
Kōichi met the eyes of Kazuma, who had just stumbled downstairs with half his face swollen sky-high, and the two of them showed the exact same wicked grin of a plan going perfectly.
Kōichi and Kazuma practically tumbled out through the inn's front doors. Only when the fresh air of the street filled their lungs did that suffocating blue terror ease a little.
"Phew... phew... I'm alive. Kōichi, we... we finally escaped that hellhole." Kazuma leaned against a roadside utility pole with zero dignity. Half his face was swollen like a steamed bun, making him look especially miserable in the sunlight, but his eyes shone with the relief of surviving disaster. "That bottle was worth it! Even if it cost fifty thousand Eris, as long as it keeps that idiot goddess away from me, I'd accept it even if I had to haul bricks for a month!"
Kōichi was just about to mock how textbook that flying kick had been when his attention was caught by two figures not far ahead.
"Well, well, if it isn't you two from yesterday. Why do you look so miserable? Don't tell me you went somewhere last night and really wore yourselves out?" A crisp, pleasant voice rang out. Chris, the silver-haired Thief girl, was standing prettily at the street corner with one hand on her hip, greeting them.
Her lively eyes swept over their rumpled sleepwear, they hadn't even had time to change into proper clothes yet, and Kazuma's swollen face, and she gave them a teasing smile.
"Chris... so it's you." The moment Kōichi saw that silver hair, his eyelid twitched instinctively. The transformation scene from last night's dream, with the treasure-equipped goddess and Snotty Aqua, had left far too deep an impression.
But Chris's bright, easy smile was like a clear spring, instantly washing away the lingering filth from both their minds.
As expected, normal girls really were this world's salvation.
"Oh! It's Chris!"
Kazuma reacted like he'd just seen family and was about to go over and strike up a friendly conversation, but then his whole body suddenly froze.
Because standing behind Chris was a Crusader with a figure that was... well, how was he supposed to put it... completely unfair.
She was a blonde, blue-eyed beauty clad in heavy silver-white armor from head to toe, but the design of that armor clearly couldn't fully restrain her overwhelming curves.
Especially the breastplate, which was stretched into an astonishing arc, rising and falling faintly with her breathing as if it might burst apart from the strain at any moment.
Her long legs were wrapped in tight leggings, and her whole body gave off an air of nobility and holiness. But for some reason, her cheeks were tinged with an unnatural flush.
"Let me introduce you. This is my friend, and she's also a Crusader." Chris gave the knight's armor a light pat, producing a crisp metallic sound. "She heard your party's recruiting, and that you heroically took down a One-Punch Bear last night, so she asked me to bring her to meet you. She can be a little rigid, but her defense is among the best in the royal capital!"
The Crusader stepped forward, her eyes filled with a strange sort of anticipation, or maybe fervor, as she stared fixedly at Kōichi and Kazuma. Her voice trembled slightly.
"I... my name is Darkness. Just as Chris said, I'm a Crusader. I heard about your exploits... Apparently your party not only forces an Arch Priest to resurrect the dead, but also puts its companions through all sorts of miserable situations... and even stages those kinds of shameful chases and beatings in the dining hall early in the morning..."
The more she spoke, the more excited she became. Her breathing quickened, and her hands tightened around the hilt of her greatsword.
"That kind of life... being despised by my companions, ravaged by monsters, even being thrown into dangerous places as bait... Please! Please let me join you too! No matter what kind of suffering it is, no matter how vulgar the orders, I'll take it all with this body!!"
Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a look. The joy of having just escaped with their lives was instantly replaced by a deeper, more primal fear.
"Hey, Kōichi." Kazuma edged a little closer and lowered his voice. "Is there something wrong with this woman's head too? Why does the way she's looking at us feel like a pervert staring at the torture session they've always dreamed of?"
Kōichi looked at Darkness's pretty face, which practically screamed come ruin me already, then glanced at Chris beside her, who looked utterly helpless and was desperately shooting him pleading looks for help. He couldn't help crying out inwardly.
He'd thought they'd finally shaken off one idiot, only to attract a pervert instead.
Were there seriously no normal female adventurers in this world?
"Um... Darkness-san," Kōichi said cautiously, "our party's atmosphere really is a little... wild right now, but are you sure this is the kind of... uh, style of adventure you're looking for?"
"Yes! This is exactly it!" Darkness suddenly leaned in close. The fragrance of a mature woman and the chill of metal hit him at the same time, and her sapphire eyes glimmered with a heart-stopping masochistic fervor. "Please, use me however you like! Even if you treat me as a shield and throw me into an Orc nest, I'd be completely fine with it! Ah... just imagining a scene like that already has me..."
"Okay, okay! Darkness, that's enough, you're being rude!" Chris hurriedly grabbed her friend before she could slip completely into fantasy mode, then turned to the two of them with an awkward smile. "Sorry about that. She's usually a good person, she's just... a tiny bit overenthusiastic. So, what do you think? Want to consider it? With a meat shield up front taking the hits, it'd be a lot safer for you two to cast magic, right?"
Kōichi looked at Darkness's unfairly blessed figure, then at her utterly hopeless personality, and sank into deep thought.
...
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