I was in class, writing like I was actually paying attention, but I wasn't. I kept staring at my notes, wondering when I even wrote some of the things there.
Why was I even thinking about last night?
It didn't mean anything.
I don't even know him like that.
Still… the way he looked at me—like he noticed something—I didn't like it. Or maybe I did. I don't know.
I tapped my pen against my book and forced myself to keep writing. I wasn't about to start overthinking something that didn't matter.
I was still trying to focus when Ella walked in and came straight to sit beside me—the seat I kept for her.
I shifted a little, adjusting my book like it would help me concentrate, but it didn't.
Maybe keeping that seat for her wasn't such a good idea. I didn't want her noticing anything… especially not that I had something on my mind. And definitely not him.
"Let me see your notes," Ella said, already reaching for my book.
I hesitated for a second before handing it over.
She flipped through it quietly, then paused. I didn't even need to look at her to know what she saw.
She was quiet for a moment.
I didn't say anything—I just kept my eyes on the page, avoiding her gaze.
"You've been doing that thing again," she said.
"What thing?" I asked, even though I knew.
"This," she pointed at the page. "You write a bit for the ones you remember, then you leave space for the ones you don't. You only do this when something's on your mind."
I shrugged lightly, still not looking at her.
She didn't say anything at first. I could feel her looking at me—that look.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing," she said, but her face didn't match it.
I exhaled quietly, then looked at her. "Why did you send him after me?"
Her brows lifted slightly. "Who?"
"Jay," I said, a bit too quickly. "You think I didn't notice?"
Ella leaned back a little, studying me now. "I didn't send him after you."
"Please," I muttered. "You literally looked at me, then next thing he was outside with me."
She smiled a little. "So you noticed."
"Off course, I noticed". I said trying to stifle my voice, but it seems my anger was getting the best of me.
The lecturer heard me and sent us outside. I was upset.
"You didn't have to shout like that though" Ella said stifling laughter
I looked at her with a mix of shock and anger "Do you think this is a joke, you don't get to choose who I date and who I don't, you don't get to navigate my love life for me, you're not my mother" .
She looked at me with a shocked expression. I immediately realized what I said and apologized "I'm sorry I didn't mean that....
She just walked away. I went too far.
Out of exhaustion, I walked home, still trying to get a hold of myself. My chest felt tight the whole way, like something was sitting on it. I just lost my only friend… what have I done?
I got home and threw my bag on the bed. It landed with a dull sound, but I didn't even care. I just stood there for a moment before sitting down and burying my face in my hands.
Everything felt messy in my head. I wasn't even sure when I started becoming like this… snapping at people who actually care about me, pushing them away and acting like I didn't need anyone.
I've been upset, yes. My life didn't go the way I wanted it to, and I took it out on her. She didn't deserve that. She's been nothing but a good friend to me all this time, and I still treated her like she was part of the problem.
My throat felt tight. I hated that part of myself… the part that ruins things and only realizes after.
And now she was gone.
I'd always preferred guys' company over girls. I felt like girls always had issues. But now I understood what it felt like not having a female friend—someone who actually understands you.
I sat in the corner of my bed, in the dead end of my room, pulled my knees to my chest, and just stayed there.
And then I cried. Not the quiet kind… I cried like everything I had been holding in finally broke loose.