"Pushing people away."
I looked at him in shock, not because of what he said… but because he was someone who didn't really know me. We hadn't even been close for long, yet he said it like he had been watching me for a while.
I didn't respond immediately. My eyes shifted away from him.
Is this what I've become?
The thought came quietly, not new… just something I had been avoiding looking at properly.
I swallowed lightly.
"I don't push people away," I said, but even I could hear how flat it sounded.i knew he was right, and I could tell he knew too.
Jay didn't react quickly. He just kept looking at me like he was waiting for me to say more.
I didn't.
Instead, I adjusted the strap of my bag.
"I just… don't like unnecessary talking," I added.
Still, it didn't feel convincing, even to me.
He nodded slowly, like he wasn't agreeing, but also not arguing.
"Okay," he said simply.
That was it.
He didn't pressure me.
And somehow, that made it worse- because I felt the urge to let something out, anything at all to sooth the lump in my throat.
I found a place to sit under a tree with falling leaves. I needed that kind of calmness right now.
"There's just been a lot going on—" I didn't finish the statement.
"If I start talking, you'd get bored," I said, trying to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear.
The strand didn't cooperate. It kept slipping back like it didn't want to be moved. I tried again, slower this time, but it still fell back into place.
I paused slightly, focusing on it more than I probably should have.
Then I felt his hand near mine.
He didn't say anything. He just helped tuck it properly behind my ear.
I went still for a second.
I looked at him. His eyes—there was something familiar in them. Concern. It looked soft… but at the same time, it didn't feel harmless.
I knew what concern like that could lead to.
"You can't be doing that."
I looked down immediately. There was something in my eyes I didn't want him to see—sadness I didn't bother hiding properly.
The past. It was supposed to keep me from making mistakes.
But why did it feel like it was holding me back instead?
He chuckled lightly. "Doing what?"
I hesitated for a second, then looked at him.
"You know what you did, Jay. You do that like you're giving me room to say what's on my mind."
His expression didn't change much. He just watched me.
"Yeah," he said calmly. "I want you to say it."
I blinked slightly.
"What if I don't want to?" I looked up at him. "What if I want to keep it to myself? Forcing me would only worsen things."
I held his gaze for a second longer than I meant to, then looked away again.
Because saying it out loud felt heavier than keeping it inside.
He tilted his head slightly. "Give me one good reason why you don't want to let it out."
He paused.
"You've told me some deep things before, and I didn't have to force it out of you."
I stayed quiet for a second.
Then I spoke.
"Letting things out made me regret things before," I said quietly. "It made my past what it is now."
I swallowed lightly.
"When you let things out, it exposes your vulnerable side… and then poof—just like that, people can turn their feelings for you on and off."
I said the last part a bit too lightly. Like it didn't carry anything. Like it wasn't supposed to hurt.
I looked away after saying it.
Because that part… wasn't just about him.
So then why did you tell me if you didn't want to at the time?
He asked while staring into the open space ahead.
And then I said, "Because it was easy." I looked into his eyes. "It was easy to talk to you."
And then he looked at me and smiled while taking my hand and playing with my fingers. Normally I wouldn't be comfortable with that… but for the first time in a while, I felt calm. Sitting there with him, I could actually tell him my inner thoughts, what was going on in my head—not my past though.
So then he said, "You don't open up easily, do you?"
"I did," I said. "Just not anymore."
"Well I guess we're the same," he said chuckling. "I don't open up easily too."
And then I said, my eyes caught his for a while, "You opened up to me… I must be special." I said it while faking a smile.
But then he said while holding my hands, "You are."
That alone made my fake smile turn real.
For a moment, I didn't even realize I was still looking at him.
His hand was still holding mine, and I don't even know when it happened but the space between us got smaller. I didn't move back, and he didn't either. I looked at him again, and this time I didn't look away. His eyes dropped for a second… then came back up, closer. My breath felt stuck, and I realized I was still not pulling away.
And then—