It's strange how guys get attracted to me so easily. Getting guys to notice me has never really been the problem… not when I actually try. But do they stay? No. It always ends the same way, and when they go, they leave me with a heavy heart.
Now it feels like I've been distracted from my problem with Ella.
Here I am… standing with yet another guy. I glanced at Jay, and just like that, it felt familiar—another beginning I already knew the ending to. And the worst part? I wasn't even done dealing with Ella.
He stared at me, waiting for my number. And suddenly, dealing with Ella didn't seem so bad… at least it didn't involve risking this again. He didn't rush me. He just waited.
I sighed softly. "Okay… just take it."
I said the number slowly, like my mouth wasn't fully agreeing with my decision. My voice was calm, but my chest wasn't.
"Okay, I'll text you," he said.
I didn't respond. I just nodded slightly.
All I could think about was going home… carrying the same heavy heart I came to school to fix. Except this time, it wasn't about Ella. It was about Jay. And I just stood there thinking… why is it always me?
While walking home that night, all my issues started replaying in my head. I lost my best friend. Now I'm about to have the same problems with a guy… and she's not around to tell me how I should react anymore. Not around to say, "be careful, Anna," at the right time.
A tear slipped out, and I quickly wiped it away before anyone could notice. I didn't want to look like a depressed soul. Even if I was.
He seemed kinda nice though… but that was never the problem. It was what came after.
I wanted to give him a chance. What could go wrong? I've already been through a lot… I could handle a little more. Even if he ends up like the others, at least I'd have someone close for a while.
I think I was just tired. Tired of thinking too much. Tired of holding everything in. Maybe that's why I kept letting people in who didn't stay… I wasn't really trying to heal properly, just trying to feel less alone for a while.
When I got home, I suddenly felt hungry. My stomach churned. There was a power outage, so I reached for my phone on the bed to turn on the flashlight, and I saw a missed call from my mum.
I called her back, and the phone rang.
"Hey, Mom," I said, struggling to hide the hunger in my voice. I didn't want her to notice—I'm an ulcer patient, and she'd immediately think I was starving myself.
"Anna," my mum said. "How was school today? I called earlier but you didn't pick."
"It was fine," I replied quickly.
There was a short pause.
"Are you okay?" she asked. "You don't sound like yourself."
"I'm okay, Mom," I said quietly.
Another pause.
"You've eaten?" she asked.
I looked around the dark room. The power was still out. My stomach twisted slightly like it was reminding me it existed.
"Yes," I lied.
"Anna…"
Her voice changed a little. That tone mothers use when they already know the truth but are waiting for you to admit it.
"I said I've eaten," I repeated, a bit firmer this time.
A part of me wanted to tell her all that was going on but I didn't know how to tell her that I'm having boy problems, girl problems. Telling her that will definitely bring up some past. Past that should remain in the past.
She sighed on the other end.
"Alright. Just take care of yourself, okay? And don't skip meals. Your ulcer is not something to joke with."
"I know, Mom."
There was silence again.
"I'll call you later," she said finally.
"Okay."
The call ended.
I stood there for a moment, phone still in my hand, the screen dimming slowly until it went black.
Jay.
Ella.
Everything.
I dropped my phone on the bed and sat down beside it.
For a few seconds, I didn't move. Then I leaned back slowly, staring at nothing in particular.
It was funny how one day could hold so much. Morning felt like a different life. School felt like a different world. And now I was here, in my room, alone again like nothing happened—but everything had.
I turned slightly and saw my phone light up again. A notification.
My chest tightened for no reason.
I reached for it.
Jay: "Got home?"
I stared at the message. Just three words. But they sat there like they meant more than they should.
I didn't reply immediately. I just held the phone, reading it over and over again like it would change meaning if I looked at it long enough.
Got home?
It was such a simple question. But somehow it felt heavy.
Because I did get home.
But I didn't feel like I arrived anywhere.
My fingers hovered over the keyboard. Then I stopped. I locked the screen instead and placed the phone beside me.
I exhaled slowly, turning onto my side.
The room was still dark. The kind of dark that doesn't feel peaceful… just empty.
And for the first time that night, I stopped thinking about what I should do next.
I just lay there.
Quiet.
Tired.
Still hungry.
And somewhere between everything I was feeling… I finally understood something I didn't want to admit.
It wasn't just Ella I was losing.
And it wasn't just Jay I was afraid of.
It was myself.