The sun rays refused to shower on her it's warm blessings, it refused to reach her. Even though the sun was high up over her head. The rays refused to caress her with their warmth or sooth her freezing heart or quaking mind. And why was she so cold, it was a sunny day. Where was she? Was she still unconscious? Was this also a part of her memories? She felt like the third person this time, ripped away from her role in the scenes she played, watching as everything unfolds right before her eyes.
What was this place?
Out there was a large grave yard, the place was peaceful enough to entrust a beloved dead in it's embrace. However why did she feel so cold? And those graves they look so new, what happened here, drawing closer, the names on the grave stones became clearer. And the flood of scenes again hit her like a raging storm, the hurt that accompanied them was far worse than any she had felt in this disturbing journey down her memory lane.
She had killed them, she caused the death of so many. Their families will never know, that is if they had ...them... family. She had dared to forget hers. She'd been so selfish, did she wish to escape her reality that much, did she really want a life away from Kantama so bad she'd willfully forgotten her maa and sis?
Jessy, she had been so sweet and although she called the girl stupid, she might have been the first person she'd almost been friends with. She was so kind and good and yet she laid dead along with her hope of ever escaping, of ever leaving, of ever retuning to her Maa and sis. They had really forced her to stay.
Her captors weren't sent by the twin devils, they were the twin devils, the object of her mission and her victim. Dan and Don, the thought of herself in their embrace, the thought of what had become of her after she'd lost her memories sent another wave of nausea raking through her. She hadn't pretended, the joy, the contentment she had been in control of them, they had come so willingly, she had done that, she had become that way not because they'd forced her, she had loved them even though she knew everything about the Darcens and how they were apart of the infamous mislead family, she had wanted them, even though she knew about their identities as the twin devils, she had touched them and loved them, even though she was well aware those same hands had put several people to their death. Loosing her memories were no excuse, so what if she had lost the few memories she had of them? They had told her everything about their past about the massacre they led and gathered under their feet under their rule, the mayhem they created, the empire they ruled. And yet she'd dared to love them. What had become of her? What has she turned into. She never thought Kantama had already sunk it's uncaring and unbothered claws into her so deeply, she'd thought she still cared, even if it was only a bit. She ... she had slept with the same monsters that made Kantama this way. Made a love nest of the place that had held her captive, the very place that had kept her away from her maa and sister, danced on the grounds where Jessy had been buried and shamelessly called their torture love. She was ashamed, how could she have lost the control she thought she'd made a fort of. It had all been her, shameless her, unfeeling her, guilty her, so easily pleased her, so forgetful, so unbothered, so uncaring, so ignorant so selfish...her. She wanted that life, she had probably hidden it so well, covered and buried the damn illusion with the hellish life of Kantama and her love for maa and sis and just when she had the chance to shed away her past she hadn't hesitated. Even though it meant she lost her most precious memories. Even though it meant she forgot her maa, her sis. She is so cruel, so wicked how could she?
The green vines underneath the watery lane of memories that had welcomed her now grabbed tightly unto her throat, the vines of guilt. They threatened to drown her in the sea she had ones shadowed her memories with. The vines promised to erase her worthless and ungrateful existence off the surface of the earth. She didn't deserve to live amongst them. She had lost her humanity to her selfish self. She didn't deserve to breathe the air they breathed. She had nowhere to go. No one to save her, to return to, she was a lonely,selfish woman, she would choke on her own selfishness.
But~
Lois came for her. She came for you.
The whispers of the sea reached her.
And as if on cue, she heard the soothing voice of the person whose trust she had broken. Only if she had listened and sat quietly at home, only if...
she has never felt such deep regret and shame. How was she going to face her.
At the moment Lara had just recovered most of her memories, and she was yet to find out how she'd lost them or what had really caused them to slip through her mind's grip.
Her blaming herself was the only justification she could think of.