My eyelids felt heavy as I tried to open them. And when I opened them I saw something I was deeply familiar with.
I once again met an old friend.
Darkness, a complete void with no light.
It was too dark, it was the same darkness that had swallowed me when I died in my past life.
Did I fail the awakening? I asked myself before the void.
I believed that I would awaken some powerful ability, I saw myself as one of those characters in fantasy books that were reincarnated into another world and gained powers but they never experienced a complete void. Seeing the void discouraged me a bit.
This feels the same just like when I died in my past life.
It did not take long for me to fall into slumber again.
It felt like days, months, years, centuries. I did not long for how long I slept but it felt that way.
I woke up once again, expecting something different but I was met with the same void.
Did I really die for real?
I could not believe it. It couldn't be.
Did that psychopath Arthur missed and kill me instead? I shook my head. No, that is impossible, the awakening knife never misses, either I awaken or die.
Suddenly coldness ran down my back.
Confused I tried to move my hand to touch my back and It met something cold, something hard.
It was a floor.I had not realised that I had been laying on the floor the whole time.
Strange.
I got myself up and looked down. I couldn't see a damn thing.
"This is kind of creepy…" My voice echoed in the void.
Then I saw a light, far away in the void, a single point of light.
I did not know what I was supposed to do in this place, so I walked towards the light, not at a slow pace or a fast one, but steady and balanced.
I walked in the void. The void stared back at me and I stared back into the light.
It felt like ages, my legs hurt, my breath was uneven, my throat was dry.
How long do I have to walk in order for me to reach that light?
I had walked, ran for who knows how long but the light never grew closer. It felt like an illusion.
I rested for a bit to gather my breath and resumed my journey again.
I walked, walked and walked with the sole purpose of reaching that light.
I wanted to give up, to just rest and never walk again but for some reason, something deep down was telling me If I don't walk towards the light, I will never reach it even if it looked unreachable.
I continued walking, towards the light, towards my salvation.
I didn't notice earlier but my feet became nearly wet after a while. However, I did not bother to know what it was, I had long lost the reason to care about anything else other than the light.
Suddenly, as if the devil had sent his demons to break me, voices, familiar voices that I had long decided to forget, filled my ears.
They came from everywhere and also from nowhere.
"Give up, you are useless." A male voice spoke to me.
I gritted my teeth, ignored it and kept walking.
"Why are you trying so hard? Just rest and sleep like you always did, you crippled bastard" A girly voice whispered in my ears as if the person was right behind me.
I instinctively swung my arm back but it hit nothing.
Still I did not look back.
Is this perhaps a trial? Tormenting me with the voices of the people that hurt me? I asked myself.
That was the only thing that I could think of, I was the one who was going through the awakening trial, not them.
"Phew," I took a deep breath and kept ignoring the voices that were trying to insult me, comfort me, convince me. I ignored them all because I had long chosen to forget them since they had decided to forget me first.
Those voices brought only unpleasant memories.
As I kept walking, I saw that the light was getting closer and closer.
A spark of relief filled my heart, I felt that if I could reach that light, I would finally be able to live in this hell of a void.
I walked more and more and finally I was able to see what it was.
It was a door. A complete white door.
"A door?" I muttered.
There was no wall on its side, just a single white door.
"So the light was coming out of this door…"
It looked beautiful.
A single light in the sea of darkness.
As they say: "Where there is darkness, there is also light. Two sides of the same coin."
As I approached the door, my hand almost touching the doornob—I felt a hand touch my shoulder.
"Lucas." A warm voice of an older woman called my name.
I froze at hearing that voice.
It was not an unknown voice, it was a voice I knew really well.
A voice that I loved and I hated it at the same time.
My mother's voice.
My heart started beating so fast that it hurt. A sudden ache, not physical but sentimental hit my chest.
I've heard about mental tests before but experiencing it yourself was different from hearing about it. This is too cruel.
My hand moved for the doorknob as fast as possible, but then it never reached it, as suddenly a pair of arms enveloped me in a warm embrace.
"Why are you leaving us? You know we love you a lot, right?" The woman's voice spoke again, but in a sad tone.
My breaths became heavier and my shoulders trembled. Sweat ran down my back.
I knew it was not real, I knew that whatever thing was using that voice was not my mother. But still, when was the last time I heard my mother speak such affectionate words towards me?
When was the last time I've ever felt loved?
But then again, that desire to be loved was not meant for this world.
A world where strength only matters, the weak have no right to love and live peacefully. Only if you're strong enough or someone important , people will love you.
Someone weak like me and of no redeeming quality could ever be loved.
I really wanted to look back, wanted to believe in the lie, wanted to see her again, her smile, her laugh, but something stopped me from doing so.
Whatever it was did not want me to look back at all. I did not know if it was my sense of reason, but I was glad it did stop me.
"Love is a weakness and for fools. In a world where only strength prevails, love has no place for it. That is why I will grow strong, so strong that people will look at me differently, however I do not seek their approval, this is merely for me…for myself only. If I want to move on, I have to let go of these painful feelings even if it is hard and even If I don't let them go completely yet, I will take the first step today."
My hand grabbed the doorknob.
It felt cold.
"I know it will be hard, but nothing good comes easily. Love be damned, I am alone in this world, just like in my past life; nothing changes. The path to be strong is lonely after all." My words echoed in the void.
I twisted the doorknob, and without turning around, I said, "Go fuck yourself moth—no, you bitch."
With those last words, the voices completely seized as if they had never spoken.
I felt something slowly changing in me, it was something I could not describe but my heart felt colder, and I liked it that way.
I opened the door, and bright light washed over my face.
I covered my face with my hands and stepped through the door.
I did not know what was behind this door, but whatever it was should be better than this hell of a void.
Then I closed the door, leaving those feelings behind me with the void.