The yellow glow of a distant streetlight merged with the dim moonlight, fighting back the pitch black darkness. The beautiful plum blossoms decorating the nearby trees weren't clearly visible, but their fragrance, dissolved into the cool breeze, perfumed the air. Now, however, the unpleasant odor of a cigarette had also scattered into this scented atmosphere.
With one hand tucked into the pocket of her mother's old, unraveled brown sweater, she held a cigarette in the other, taking a long drag. Her shiny glass like gray eyes would occasionally lift toward the sky hung with the moon, stars, and gray clouds until they reached their destination and stayed fixed there.
Leaning against the wall, huddled with his hands tucked into his armpits.. Sleeping like a baby, he was her one and only "coward" friend. He surely had been kicked out of the house again today because of his senseless father's useless anger.
After watching him for a few moments, she silently sat down by his side. For a while, she just stared at the moon peeking through the gray clouds. Then, god knows what got into her, but she crushed the glowing side of her nearly finished cigarette onto his long neck. Iseul's scream was instinctive, and he muffled it the moment his eyes met with her eyes.
"Sia yaa!! Why would you do that?"
Gently rubbing a dewy plum blossom that had fallen nearby onto the burn mark, he glared at her with anger..
"I thought it was Papa. I almost had a heart attack in my sleep. Why do you do such stupid things?"
"Just because..."
In response to his agitation, she gave her usual answer, which only increased his disappointment.
"Sometimes I really hate you," he added.
"And the rest of the time? do you feel love?"
Winking mischievously, she pulled a fresh cigarette from the pack. He shot her a full length glare and tried to go back to sleep, but Noe Sia was in a different mood. With the cigarette pressed between her lips, she was intent on grabbing his arm and dragging him along.
"What do you want now? Leave me alone,!" Standing up helplessly, he looked ready to bang his head against the wall. The sleep and the cold had numbed his brain. On top of that, this crazy girl had arrived to blow away whatever sense he had left.
"You're so boring, Iseul. After being kicked out of this madhouse, you should thank God and go on a walk. Nights are actually very beautiful. Do you have any idea?? Come with me... during the day, you're possessed by the terror of your crazy father. Now that you have a chance at night, come, let me take you to one of my favorite spots. It's my peaceful corner. It's a lovely place." Without listening to his "no," she kept talking to herself. She continued dragging him, but the harsh, grating sound of an iron gate opening in the beautiful silence of the night forced them both to stop and turn around. It was Mr. Kang, coming out of the gate with an aggressive look. Iseul turned pale with fear. It was as if he had forgotten how to breathe.
Sia saw his face and silently let go of his arm.
"Iseul, you Idiot. You've become completely shameless, you disgraced wretch! What do you think? Just because you've grown up, you'll do whatever you want?? You've started flying too high... I'll clip your wings! Just wait! Now get inside!! I'll deal with you later!" The muffled voice wasn't loud enough to be heard far away, but there was enough fire in it to burn the listener. Iseul moved forward with lifeless steps. Behind him, Mr. Kang turned his anger towards Sia. That same muffled voice, wrapped in fire and soaked in poison... "And you, filthy dirty girl! What stubborn mud are you made of? Why doesn't my warning sink into your head! Stay away from my son! Do you want to make him as low as yourself? Listen you bitch! I won't let this happen,"
"One day, this 'low life' girl will give birth to your next generation." His traditional nonsense was ongoing, she felt bored, so she gave him that one reply she knew would infuriate him most.
For a moment, Mr. Kang was stunned by her boldness, but in the next, his hand raised and landed with full force on Sia's tanned cheek. The mark of five fingers wasn't visible in the dim light, but the echo of the slap easily reached Iseul, who had already reached to the house gate. He stopped in his tracks and turned. His eyes were wide with terror. Mr. Kang, gripping Sia's tangled hair in his fist, was saying god knows what else in his signature poisonous, muffled voice.
Clenching his fists in helplessness, he couldn't do anything even if he wanted to. Bowing his head with shame as he entered the house, he felt hate for himself.
Noe Sia would fight anyone for him, and he, Kang Iseul, couldn't even raise his voice for her.
********
The drizzle continued until his return home from the academy. It felt as if the sky itself were crying over some grief.
Holding an umbrella in one hand and his school bag over his other shoulder, he entered in his block, lost in thought.
Usually, his return was around eleven at night, but today the academy administration had allowed everyone to go home early. A female student at the academy had ended her life!
He didn't tried to find out why...
He had never met that girl nor spoken to her. He didn't know what she looked like or what had forced her to take this extreme step, but a weight had settled on his head. The siren of the ambulance. The police vans. The parents screaming and crying... Gosh.. He gently pressed his head, which felt like it was about to burst with pain.
One question was constantly troubling him.
How can people end their own lives with their own hands??
What thing can break a person so much? What grief can snatch the hope of the future from a human??
She was just a teenager... a whole life lay ahead of her.
Who knows, a bright future was waiting for her... Who knows, a loving partner was waiting for her... Why do people lose hope??? Life should be given a chance to show its true colors...
He, too, was living on that same hope...
Releasing a long, cold sigh into the air, he focused his tired eyes toward his house, and his color drained rapidly upon finding Noe Sia near his home. Suppressing the urge to hit his own head, he walked quickly toward that stubborn girl.
Sia, playing some childish game on her mobile, saw him returning at this hour, she looked surprised, then smiled pleasantly, she walked toward him at a moderate pace.
"Sia!?" The helpless call was full of pure frustration. Sia laughed softly at his expression.
"May God give you sense. Awareness, feeling. What are you doing here at this hour? If Papa sees you..." His remaining words choked in his throat. Sia's left cheek was completely swollen. There was also a bruise at the corner of her lip. He forgot everything he wanted to say. His face burned with shame. Bowing his head and biting his lip, he began to close his umbrella. The rain had stopped suddenly, and the orange rays of the setting sun were saying goodbye, breaking through the clouds. It was a very beautiful sight. Sia looked at it with dreamy eyes.
"Sorry, Sia. Papa crossed the line yesterday. I wasn't nearby then... even if I were, I wouldn't have been able to do anything. You... You know..... Why do you even come here? Just give me a call, I'll come. You come here, Papa sees you, he gets angry. I don't like it at all, Sia. You know Papa doesn't like you, then..."
"Don't worry. I don't like him either." She shut him up with a mocking smile. "And you're such a coward. You don't even pick up my calls in the presence of your crazy father. If I depended on you, this friendship would have ended before it even began." She never hesitated to be blunt, and Iseul sometimes liked this about her, but most of time, he hated it. Like right now...
He just looked at her with a silent eyes.
"Fine. You're probably right... but Sia! You should leave here right now. Papa..."
"Ugh, this "papa ghost" of your's... Your Papa brought his darling girlfriend along. Then, all dressed up, he left with her just a little while ago. By the way, how are you home at this hour??" She announced the "good news" through gritted teeth, then shifted into an investigative tone.
"Really?? Papa has gone with his girlfriend. That means I'll get quite a bit of peace today." He spoke pleasantly to himself. He suddenly felt light.
"I asked how you got home at this hour??" Sia didn't like her question being ignored.
"Oh, just... someone committed suicide at the academy. There was a lot of drama. So just..." This topic made him quiet again.
"It takes great courage to end oneself. So if there was courage to end yourself, there should have been courage to end the 'problem' too. Anyway... whatever happened was wrong." Shrugging her shoulders, she lowered her head in a moment of silence out of respect for the deceased. On the other hand, Iseul remained tangled in her words.
"Anyway. Since you're home early. And your Papa isn't home either. What do you think? Shall we roam around??" She suddenly raised her head and looked directly into his eyes. Iseul paused for a moment. These bright glass like gray eyes weren't common in South Korea. These bright gray eyes didn't seem like a part of this girl's being... or perhaps these eyes were the only thing that truly represented her... ? who knows...
He shook his head. For a moment, he wanted to refuse. He had never been a brilliant student. He didn't even know how he managed to pass all these time. But for Mr. Kang, just passing wasn't enough. During high school, he had started being extra strict with him. And the state of the house had also become quite pathetic. In Mr. Kang's absence, he could study in peaceful silence, also, a detailed cleaning of the house could easily be done. There was a lot that demanded his attention, but whether it was the hope shining in those gray eyes or perhaps the mark of his father's five fingers hidden on her cheek, he ended up agreeing.
"I'll freshen up and come. It'll just take ten minutes," he said, opening the main gate. Sia just nodded.
After he left, she turned her attention back to the mobile game when their elderly neighbor, struggling to move forward while filling something in a sack, came into view. Tucking her mobile into her sweater pocket, she walked toward Mrs. Lee.
"Grandma! Shall I help you?"
Setting the sack down and taking deep breaths, the neighbor sat there on her haunches, squinting her eyes to look the tall, messy girl up and down. Recognizing the face, her expression hardened.
"No, I'll do it myself," she said in a blunt, dismissive tone and moved forward. Sia just shrugged.
"Wasn't that Noe Tai-sik's daughter?"
When she reached her house with the sack, her friend like neighbor moved closer.
"Yes, she's the worthless daughter of that same worthless man."
"What was she saying?"
"Asking to help. Hmph."
"She's a very wayward girl. Roams around all night. Smokes. Whenever I've seen her, she's with boys. This is her character now, I shudder to think what she'll do later on."
"What else can be expected from the offspring of a loose, runaway mother and a decadent thug of a father." The two old women had found a good topic. They both sat down right there on the platform outside.
Away from this scene was Noe Sia, walking ahead with Kang Iseul. When Iseul felt the unpleasant gazes of the old women on him, he became uneasy and, rolling his eyes, moved a little distance away from Sia.
********
From home to school, and from school to the academy. From the academy straight home! That was his life. He had forgotten the very streets he grew up playing in.
Even though the evening darkness was deepening, he was looking at everything with such longing, as if he had entered Wonderland.
Walking along familiar paths with Sia, he began to swing in a cradle of memories.
"This is Mr. Kim's house, right? The one whose dog once chased us?" Iseul's face lit up as he saw the flower laden house.
Light and fragrance were bursting from inside the house. In the night, it was like a star shining. It felt as if happiness itself were residing inside.
"No, these people moved here just last year. Mr. Kim's house is back there," Sia said, adjusting her woolen hat.
"What?? That dry, hollow ghost house is Mr. Kim's?" The shock was real. Iseul stopped in his tracks.
"Mr. Kim died many years ago. After him, his wife turned herself away from flowers, colors, and fragrances." Sia pulled a cigarette pack from her pocket.
"Oh..." This was all he could say, saddened.
"By the way, where are we going now?" he asked, stepping forward after a moment of silence.
"I don't know..." she muttered distractedly.
"You were telling me you'd show me your peaceful corner?"
"Oh, right... Oh, right! I was supposed to take you straight there. I don't know where my mind was wandering. We have to go back... It was around..." Grabbing Iseul's hand, she started back, but Iseul immediately pulled his hand away.
"No, I'm going back home now. Papa could come home at any time." He began to prepare to leave.
"You 'Papa's boy'! I feel like beating you so much that you turn into mincemeat, and maybe your fear would come out along with all your internal organs."
"I wish that were possible. I'd give you full permission to beat me. You can't imagine how fed up I am with myself." He truly pulled at his silky hair in frustration, then quickly started fixing it again.
Sia smiled slightly at his action. He always stayed tip top like an idol.
"Our fathers are mentally unhinged. And our mothers are absent from our lives. Yet, on the surface, we look so different," she said in very small voice.
"My father is image conscious. He presents himself as a perfect person to the world. And I have to support him in this drama... And to be honest, somewhere along the way, I've become image conscious like him. The surface is all I can groom. It's the only thing I have control over... whereas you! You're quite lucky in this matter. You've always had complete freedom to live your life your way. You can see the beauty of the night and the brightness of the day. If you pay a little attention to yourself, maybe Papa won't dislike you so much. And we won't have to meet in secret like this!" He kept talking fluently, easily, as he walked.
Sia was right behind him. Her pace was very slow. There was a shock on her face, and her surprised eyes were fixed on Iseul's back.
Was he so unaware of the wretched state of her heart, the war raging in her mind? Of her confusions, of the difficulties of her life?? He was calling her lucky?? How easily he was giving her advice to groom herself! Did he not know that when the heart is dead, a human becomes a corpse? And when do corpses groom themselves??? Especially old, stinking corpses!?
Walking stealthily behind him, she was a bit surprised. She knew Kang Iseul put himself first above all, but... how could he....
She remained silent during the journey back. Iseul didn't speak much either. He thought she was upset about his decision to return even though Sia had never stopped talking to him even when she was angry...
"Anyway, when he goes with his darling girlfriend, he doesn't come back before twelve," she said as they approached the main gate of Iseul's house, as if she knew the people of that house better than they knew themselves.
"Yes, that's how it is. But I have other important things to do. And don't come around the house, without telling me. Don't you know Papa?? You're my friend, and when he humiliates you, I don't like it at all... but I feel like you really like seeing me embarrassed!" he said, as if suddenly remembering something. His tone was pleading.
"This block isn't your father's estate. I'll come here ten times a day. Tell your papa to fuc* off," She was clearly annoyed.
Iseul thought it's best to run inside. Between these two egoists, he was the one being turned into mincemeat.
Once he left, silence took over outside. Sia's eyes began to stare at some invisible point. She was feeling completely empty inside. She shook her head, wanting to find refuge in the beauty of the night, but...
The plum blossoms were still showering over her today, but for some reason, she didn't like them. The darkness of the night had descended into her eyes. The moon had hidden somewhere in the clouds. Only the yellow, dim light of the streetlights remained... and in that yellow, dim light, her fading color didn't show.
She had finished one cigarette on the way. Now she was taking out another. Today, the cigarette smoke failed to defeat the impurity within her. Her steps toward her home were slower than usual today. She didn't want to go home today, but it was necessary to go...
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