I stared at the second test kit in my hand for what felt like forever.
The result hadn't changed.
The two pink lines remained there, staring back at me like they were mocking every attempt my brain was making to explain them away.
My fingers tightened around the plastic stick as my chest rose and fell unevenly.
This wasn't supposed to be happening.
Not now.
Not with him.
A shaky breath escaped me as I looked between the two tests sitting on the bathroom counter. Both of them carried the exact same answer. Both of them were telling me the exact same thing.
I was pregnant.
The thought still didn't feel real.
It felt like something that happened to other people. Something I read about in stories or heard about through whispered conversations between friends.
Not me.
I was supposed to be worrying about school.
About my future.
About why Jay had suddenly become so distant.
Instead, I was sitting on a closed toilet seat with two positive pregnancy tests in front of me.
I slowly lowered my head into my hands.
My thoughts were moving too fast.
One second I was thinking about the baby.
The next second I was thinking about my mother.
Then Jay.
Then my future.
Then back to the baby again.
Everything felt tangled together in a way I couldn't separate.
A tear slipped down my cheek before I quickly wiped it away.
Crying wasn't helping.
If anything, it was making it harder to think properly.
I forced myself to stand up and walked over to the sink.
My reflection stared back at me from the mirror.
The strange thing was that I looked exactly the same.
Nothing about me had changed.
My hair was still messy from rushing out earlier.
My hoodie still hung loosely around my body.
My face still looked like my face.
Yet somehow everything felt completely different.
I looked at myself for a long moment.
Was there really a baby inside me right now?
The thought made my stomach twist.
I immediately looked away from the mirror.
It felt too overwhelming.
My hand drifted toward my stomach before I could stop myself.
The movement caught me off guard.
I froze.
Then slowly lowered my hand again.
I didn't know why that simple action suddenly made my eyes burn with fresh tears.
Maybe because it made everything feel real in a way the tests hadn't.
Maybe because my brain was finally beginning to understand what those two lines actually meant.
I walked back into my room and sat on the edge of my bed.
The tests remained clutched tightly in my hand.
The silence around me felt heavy.
Usually when something happened, my first instinct was to call someone.
Ella.
Jay.
Anybody.
Today I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Who was I even supposed to call?
Ella and I barely spoke anymore.
Every interaction between us lately felt awkward and forced.
I couldn't remember the last time I told her something important.
The realization hurt more than I expected.
A few months ago she would have been the first person I ran to.
Now I wasn't even sure if she still wanted that role in my life.
My throat tightened.
Everything kept changing.
One person at a time.
One relationship at a time.
Until suddenly I found myself sitting here feeling completely alone.
My eyes drifted toward my phone lying on the bed.
The moment I saw it, Jay's face immediately appeared in my mind.
A fresh wave of anxiety hit me.
How was I supposed to tell him?
The question had been circling my head ever since I saw the first positive result.
How exactly was that conversation supposed to happen?
Hey, by the way, I'm pregnant.
The thought alone made me feel sick.
I pressed my lips together.
I didn't even know what version of Jay I would be talking to anymore.
The Jay I fell in love with would have held my hand through something like this.
The Jay I knew before would have sat beside me and helped me figure everything out.
The Jay from a few months ago wouldn't have made me feel like I was constantly bothering him just by existing.
But lately things felt different.
Painfully different.
Every conversation felt shorter.
Every interaction felt colder.
It was like he was slowly pulling away while pretending everything was normal.
I still didn't know why.
That was probably the worst part.
If we had fought, at least I would have had a reason.
If he had done something terrible, at least I would have understood what changed.
Instead I was left trying to figure out when exactly the distance started growing between us.
I thought about the unanswered messages.
The cancelled plans.
The way his attention seemed to disappear more each day.
My chest tightened.
What if this news pushed him even further away?
What if he didn't want any part of this?
What if he looked at me and only saw a problem?
The thought hurt more than I wanted to admit.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
I hated how much his reaction mattered to me.
I hated that despite everything, some part of me still wanted him to tell me everything would be okay.
Another tear rolled down my cheek.
I quickly wiped it away.
The room suddenly felt too small.
Too quiet.
Too suffocating.
I stood up and began pacing slowly.
My mind kept jumping ahead.
What would happen if my mother found out?
How would I explain this?
What would people say?
How was I supposed to continue living my normal life while carrying something this huge inside me?
Every answer only seemed to create ten more questions.
The panic was beginning to creep back in.
I stopped walking and wrapped my arms around myself.
The reality of everything settled a little deeper into my chest.
This wasn't something I could ignore.
This wasn't something that would disappear by morning.
No amount of wishing was going to change what those tests said.
I was pregnant.
The words echoed through my head again.
This time they felt heavier.
More real.
More permanent.
I slowly sat back down on the bed and stared at the wall in front of me.
For the first time since seeing those two pink lines, the tears came without me trying to stop them.
They slid quietly down my face while I sat there holding both tests in my trembling hands.
I felt scared.
I felt confused.
I felt completely unprepared for whatever came next.
Most of all, I felt alone.
And as I sat there staring at nothing, one question kept repeating itself over and over inside my head.
What was I supposed to do now?