I decided to stop forcing things.
That realization came quietly to me that morning while I stared at the ceiling with my blanket wrapped around my body. There was no dramatic moment attached to it. I just suddenly felt tired.
Tired of trying to pull closeness out of people who were already drifting away from me.
If Ella wanted space, I would give it to her.
If Jay wanted distance, I wouldn't keep chasing after explanations that never came.
People stay when they want to stay.
That thought hurt more than I wanted it to.
I rolled onto my back slowly and stared at the soft light coming through my curtains. My room felt unusually quiet. Almost too quiet.
Part of me still felt guilty over Ella.
Maybe grief really did change people. Maybe losing her dad affected her more deeply than I understood. She probably needed different people around her now. Lighter people. Happier people.
People who didn't constantly carry emotional weight around with them.
I couldn't even blame her properly.
But Jay…
That one stayed in my chest differently.
The distance between us felt sharp because I never saw it coming. Some small part of me wanted to pretend I did, but that would be a lie. I didn't expect him to slowly disappear while still standing in front of me.
I sat up slowly and reached for my phone.
Nothing.
No message from him.
I swallowed and locked the screen again before tossing the phone beside me.
At this point I didn't even know what kind of reply I was waiting for anymore.
I dragged myself out of bed eventually and headed to the bathroom. The cold water helped wake me up a little, but my body still felt strangely heavy.
Lately I had been feeling off in ways I couldn't explain properly.
Tired all the time.
Emotional.
Sometimes dizzy.
I blamed stress for most of it because honestly there was enough happening around me already.
After freshening up, I returned to my room and sat cross-legged on the bed while absentmindedly scrolling through my phone.
That was when I noticed the app.
Flow.
I stared at it for a second before opening it.
I honestly don't know why I suddenly remembered it. Maybe because something in my body had been feeling different lately. Maybe because my chest had been sore for days and I kept ignoring it.
The app opened immediately.
My eyes moved lazily across the screen at first.
Then my entire body went still.
I blinked once.
Twice.
My heartbeat slowed in a strange way.
Two weeks late.
I sat there staring at the screen like it would suddenly correct itself if I looked long enough.
No.
No way.
I refreshed the app quickly.
The dates stayed the same.
My hand flew to my mouth immediately.
A cold feeling spread through my stomach so fast it almost made me feel sick.
"No..." I whispered softly.
My brain instantly started throwing excuses at me.
Stress.
Emotional exhaustion.
Sleep changes.
People missed their periods sometimes.
That happened.
But another thought had already entered my mind and refused to leave quietly.
Jay.
I stood up too fast from the bed and nearly lost my balance.
"Let it not be what I'm thinking," I muttered under my breath.
My chest was pounding hard now.
I grabbed my hoodie immediately and slipped it on before picking up my bag and leaving the house.
The walk to the pharmacy felt longer than usual.
Every sound around me suddenly felt louder. Cars passing. People talking. Music playing from nearby shops. My thoughts were moving too fast for me to settle on one thing properly.
I kept trying to calm myself down.
There was still a chance it was nothing.
A very high chance.
I entered the pharmacy quietly and walked toward the counter.
The woman there looked up at me with a small smile.
"Yes?"
My throat suddenly felt dry.
"Pregnancy test kit," I said softly.
Even hearing the words leave my mouth made my chest tighten harder.
She reached for one immediately and placed it on the counter casually like this was the most normal thing in the world.
Maybe for her it was.
For me it felt like my entire life had suddenly paused.
I paid quickly and left before she could say anything else.
The walk home felt worse.
My fingers stayed tightly wrapped around the small paper bag the entire time.
I couldn't even think properly anymore.
The moment I got home, I locked my bedroom door immediately.
My breathing felt uneven now.
I stared at the test kit sitting in my hand for a long moment before finally opening the box.
My fingers were shaking.
I hated that they were shaking.
I carefully read the instructions twice because my brain wasn't processing things properly the first time.
Then I finally forced myself to do it.
The waiting felt unbearable.
I placed the test down on the sink counter and stepped back immediately like standing too close would somehow affect the answer.
My heart would not calm down.
I folded my arms tightly across my chest and started pacing around the bathroom.
One minute suddenly felt like forever.
I kept praying quietly inside my head without realizing it.
Please.
Please don't let this happen.
I stopped pacing eventually and forced myself to look.
For a second my brain couldn't even process what I was seeing.
Then my stomach dropped completely.
Two lines.
I froze.
Everything around me suddenly felt distant.
The bathroom.
The sound of the tap dripping softly.
My own breathing.
It all blurred together strangely.
"No..." I whispered again.
But this time the word sounded weak.
My eyes stayed locked on the test.
Two lines.
Positive.
I picked it up slowly with trembling fingers, staring at it closer like maybe I had seen it wrong.
The result didn't change.
My chest tightened so badly it hurt.
I sat down slowly on the closed toilet seat because my legs suddenly didn't feel stable anymore.
Pregnant.
The word echoed loudly inside my head.
Pregnant.
I covered my mouth with my hand again as tears filled my eyes instantly.
I couldn't even tell what emotion was stronger.
Fear.
Shock.
Confusion.
My thoughts immediately ran toward Jay.
What was I supposed to tell him?
Would he even care properly anymore?
The way he had been treating me lately suddenly replayed painfully inside my head.
Short replies.
Distance.
Coldness.
And now this.
A shaky breath left me as tears finally slipped down my face.
My entire life suddenly felt like it had changed in less than five minutes.