The rest of the day stayed in my head long after I got home.
I dropped my bag by the door and went straight to my room, kicking off my shoes before falling onto the bed face first. My chest felt tight in a way I couldn't explain properly. Ella's voice kept replaying in my mind over and over again.
Always trying to make everything about yourself.
I turned onto my back slowly and stared at the ceiling.
How did we even get here?
A few weeks ago everything felt normal between us. We talked every day. We laughed over stupid things. We complained about lectures together. Somewhere along the line things changed and I still couldn't figure out when it started happening.
I grabbed my phone from beside me.
Nothing from Jay.
I opened our chat anyway.
The last thing I sent him was still there sitting alone under the blue seen mark.
are you busy?
No reply.
I swallowed and locked the phone again before tossing it beside me.
The silence around me started feeling louder than it should have.
I got up eventually and dragged myself to the bathroom. The cold water running down my skin helped a little, but the heaviness stayed. By the time I changed into one of my oversized shirts and tied my hair up, night had already settled outside my window.
I tried distracting myself with TikTok for a while.
Then movies.
Then music.
Nothing stayed in my head long enough.
Around midnight my phone buzzed suddenly beside me.
My chest lifted immediately.
Jay.
hey
That was all.
I stared at the message for a few seconds before replying.
you disappeared again
A minute passed.
sorry
I frowned at the screen.
Usually I would have pushed harder, asked him what was wrong until he finally opened up, but something in me suddenly felt tired. Like I didn't have the energy to keep pulling people closer when they were already halfway out the door.
it's okay, I typed.
He reacted to the message with a heart and went offline.
I blinked slowly at the screen.
That weird empty feeling came back almost immediately.
The next morning I woke up exhausted.
It felt like I hadn't slept at all.
My head hurt badly enough to make me stay in bed longer than usual, but I still forced myself up because I had an afternoon class I couldn't miss.
While brushing my teeth, I caught myself staring at my reflection longer than necessary.
I looked fine.
Normal.
Nothing about me looked different.
So why did everything suddenly feel different?
By the time I got to school, the weather already matched my mood. The sky looked dull and heavy, and the air carried that strange coldness Lagos sometimes had before rain started falling properly.
I adjusted my bag on my shoulder and walked toward the faculty building quietly.
The moment I stepped into the corridor, I saw Ella.
She was leaning against the wall with those same girls again.
One of them whispered something into her ear and they all laughed softly.
My steps slowed for a second before I forced myself to keep moving.
Ella looked up briefly.
Our eyes met.
Then she looked away first.
Something inside me dropped harder than I expected.
I walked past them quietly this time without saying anything.
As I moved further down the corridor, I heard one of the girls laugh again.
"You didn't tell me she was this clingy."
My chest tightened immediately.
My steps almost stopped.
Almost.
But I kept walking anyway like I didn't hear it.
The entire lecture felt blurry after that.
I barely focused on anything the lecturer said. My pen stayed still most of the time while my thoughts kept spinning endlessly inside my head.
Maybe Ella was serious.
Maybe I really had been too much.
The thought sat badly inside me because I never wanted the people I loved to feel trapped around me.
When the lecture ended, students started standing up noisily, dragging chairs and packing bags.
I stayed seated for a while longer until almost everyone left.
I didn't feel ready to walk back outside yet.
Eventually I stood up slowly and left the class.
The rain had already started.
Not heavily.
Just enough to leave the ground wet and make the air smell clean.
I stood under the shade outside the building and pulled out my phone again.
I don't even know what I expected anymore.
I opened Jay's chat.
hey
Are you free today?
Seen.
I stared at the screen.
Then the typing bubble appeared.
can't today
Something about that message frustrated me more than it should have.
You can't today.
Tomorrow it would probably be another excuse.
Or another dry reply.
Or silence again.
I locked my phone hard and shoved it back into my bag before exhaling sharply.
For the first time in weeks, anger finally mixed with the sadness sitting inside me.
I was tired of feeling confused all the time.
Tired of guessing people's moods.
Tired of wondering if I had suddenly become difficult to love without realizing it.
The rain started falling harder.
Students rushed past me laughing while trying not to get soaked. Cars moved slowly along the road outside the gate. Somewhere nearby, someone was playing music loudly from a speaker.
Life kept moving normally around me.
Meanwhile I felt stuck in one place emotionally.
I wrapped my arms around myself and looked down at the wet ground quietly.
Am I losing everyone?