I woke up with a feeling I hadn't had in a long time, like my chest wasn't already heavy before my thoughts even started moving. The morning light came in soft through my curtains, and for once it didn't feel irritating or loud.
I just lay there for a moment, staring at the ceiling, letting the calm sit inside me because it felt strange enough to notice.
Yesterday was still somewhere in my head, but it didn't press on me the way it used to. It felt like I could breathe without forcing it.
The first thing I did was reach for my phone.
Ella.
I didn't even think twice before I pressed call. I just wanted to hear her voice, like that would make everything stay steady in me a little longer. I sat up slowly, holding the phone to my ear while it rang.
It rang once, twice, then kept going longer than I expected.
No answer.
I pulled the phone away and stared at the screen, my brows pulling together without me trying. That was not normal. Ella always picked up fast, even when she was busy.
I tried again immediately, telling myself it didn't mean anything deep. People miss calls. Phones get forgotten. Life happens.
I called again. Then again.
Each time it rang out the same way until it finally stopped.
I exhaled and placed the phone beside me.
Maybe she wasn't with her phone.
I said it in my head like it would settle everything before it had a chance to grow into something else.
I got up and started getting ready, moving around my room slower than usual. I picked my clothes with more care than I normally would, stood in front of the mirror longer than I needed to, fixing little things I usually wouldn't care about.
I don't even know why I felt like that, but there was this lightness in me I wasn't used to, like I had space inside my chest again.
Before I left, I picked up my phone and sent her a message.
Are you coming to lectures today? I want to see you.
I waited a few seconds, staring at the screen like it might change its mind.
No reply came.
I slipped the phone into my bag anyway and told myself she would respond later. Maybe she was still asleep. Maybe she was just not in the mood for her phone.
I held onto that thought and left the house.
School felt normal at first. The corridors were busy like always, students moving in groups, voices blending together, lockers slamming, footsteps everywhere.
I adjusted my bag and started scanning faces without stress, already expecting to see her somewhere in our usual places.
That was how it always was with Ella. I didn't usually have to look too hard.
I saw her before she saw me.
She was standing further down the corridor near a small group of students I didn't recognize immediately.
My steps slowed without me planning it, and I felt that small lift in my chest like relief had already decided the outcome. I raised my hand a little as I walked closer.
"Ella."
I said her name like it was supposed to be enough to pull her attention back to me.
I kept walking, expecting her to turn, expecting that quick reaction she always gave me even when she was distracted.
But she didn't move.
She didn't even shift.
I slowed down more, my hand dropping halfway without me noticing, confusion starting to creep in quietly.
Maybe she didn't hear me. The corridor was loud.
I tried again, a bit closer this time.
"Ella, it's me."
Still nothing.
She stayed turned toward the girl beside her, continuing their conversation like my voice didn't reach her at all. And she even laughed lightly at something the girl said, soft and easy, like I wasn't standing right there trying to get her attention.
She finally looked at me.
For a second I thought she was going to say something, but she just glanced at me… then looked back at her friends like I wasn't even standing there.
I didn't really understand what that meant, so I walked closer to her. My steps slowed a bit, but I still went anyway. I tapped her lightly on the arm.
That was when she turned properly.
"I'll go home on my own today," she said calmly, like she had already made the decision long before I got there.
"Oh… okay," I replied.
I turned away immediately, trying not to make it feel heavier than it already did. As I walked off, I could hear faint voices behind me, Ella whispering things to them and them reacting softly like I wasn't part of the conversation at all.
I didn't look back.
When I got home, I went straight to the kitchen. I made buldak carbonara without even thinking too hard about it, just following muscle memory. I don't know if it was me or the buldak, but it tasted way better than the last time I made it.
I laughed a little to myself.
I'm a chef, aren't I.
I carried the bowl to the sitting room and sat down. The first bite hit hard, spicy enough to make me pause for a second, but I kept eating anyway. It felt comforting in a weird way.
I was about to get water when my phone lit up.
Ella.
Hi
I stared at it for a second before replying.
what's up, you've been acting off today.
The typing bubble came on, disappeared, then nothing came after it.
I frowned slightly but didn't think too deeply about it. My mouth was already burning from the food anyway.
I got up, went for water, and gulped it down quickly.
I expected her to text again later that night, but she didn't.
I kept checking anyway.
At some point I scrolled up in my chat and saw Jay's name.
I texted him.
hey my love.
Seen.
No reply.
Something about that sat in my chest longer than I wanted it to.
What's going on? Is he okay?
Those questions just stayed in my mind, repeating quietly.
I didn't want to think too much, so I went straight to TikTok and started scrolling. I told myself I wasn't going to let anything disturb my peace.
The next day was Saturday. My best day of the week.
Usually I would just sleep through it, no stress, no movement.
But that morning I decided to do something different.
I watched movies instead.
That's different, right?
I laughed a little to myself, like I was trying to convince myself it actually counted as something productive.
Later, Jay finally replied.
hey
That was it.
I asked him how his night was and if he slept well.
He said fine.
His answers felt… flat. Like he was there but not really there.
So I asked again.
Is everything okay?
He said yes.
Are you sure?
No reply.
I didn't want to overthink it, so I told myself maybe he was just having a bad day and left it at that.
But the next few weeks didn't change.
His replies stayed short. Sometimes he didn't reply at all. He stopped texting first. I knew something was off, I just couldn't place it.
Some nights I still went to his place. We'd spend time together, laugh a little, act normal. But by the time I got home and texted him again, it felt like I was talking to a completely different person.
It kept going like that.
Until that morning.
I woke up with a bad headache, but I still had class, so I forced myself to get ready. Everything felt a bit heavier than usual, like my body was moving slower than my thoughts.
After class, I saw Ella again.
She was with a group of people this time, her new friends.
I walked up to her anyway and gently pulled her aside.
"What's going on?" I asked. "Did I do something wrong?"
She looked at me calmly.
"Nothing."
"If I did something, I can apologize," I said quickly, because I didn't want whatever this was to sit between us like this.
That was when her expression changed.
Almost like something snapped.
"There you go again," she said, voice rising. "You, you, you. Always trying to make everything about yourself. I need space to breathe for once instead of being engulfed in you."
For a second, I didn't even process it properly.
She turned and walked off with her friends like nothing happened. I could hear them asking her what my problem was as they left.
I just stood there.
People were looking.
I slowly picked up my bag without saying anything and walked home.
I kept replaying Ella's words in my head, trying to match my thoughts.