Hate is a funny thing.
By definition, to hate is to feel an intense and passionate dislike for something.
Thinking of it like that, I knew what I usually hated.
I hated school. I hated silence. I hated boredom.
My feelings on things like those fit the criteria of hate.
Yet, there were exceptions to my hate.
My school is filled with work and geniuses I don't fit in with, but it also has my friends and the music room.
Silence was something I usually hated but with Soriel and sometimes Tristan, I had no issue with it.
Boredom was a pain, yes, but it brought creativity and ingenuity.
So, reflecting back on it, there weren't many things I hated in their entirety.
But still, I hated myself. Every single part.
That's why I needed to change.
That way, maybe, just maybe, I would no longer hate myself with all my heart.
'Focus.'
I shook my head and straightened my posture as I sat in the school science lab.
It was my fourth second period class on Friday, so I was in the middle of science.
And I was about to take part in an experiment.
'If I don't focus, my grade will go down.'
I really wanted to focus, but another thing was on my mind.
'I still don't get it. What was up with Tristan the other day?'
It had been two days since my argument with Tristan, and we hadn't talked at all in that time.
Although I was sure he didn't mind that much.
'Ah, it doesn't matter…'
There was no point dwelling on someone who likely didn't even care about the situation.
With a sigh, I went back to focusing on Mr. Bostav's instructions for the lab.
Once that class finished, I went to the next class, and the next after that.
Eventually, lunch came.
I ate with my friends, still not talking with Tristan.
Then, I went back to class.
I went to those classes until school ended.
And then I went home to do my new routine.
After all that, I went to sleep.
Since the next day was Saturday, I spent it studying, cleaning, and working out, occasionally, texting a friend or two.
The same for the day after that.
And when the school week started again, I returned to my previous routine.
It was a monotonous routine, far more boring than my life before.
But I thought it would've changed me, so I just gritted my teeth and bore it.
And as I did, I felt my motivation for anything and everything deplete.
From there, it didn't take long for me to reach a boiling point.
Thud.
I silently let my forehead hit the classroom desk.
It was Tuesday now, and I sat in my 2nd period English class.
'I've been working so hard to change…but it's not working…'
Even with all the things I did, I still felt weak, unmotivated, insensitive, stupid, and bored.
Nothing felt better.
Nothing was fixed.
'Am I that bad? Can I really not fix anything…?'
I was lost.
My emotions were heavy, weighing down on my heart.
Yet, I knew of a way to change things.
'Soriel…she might know how to help.'
And so, I prepared to put my faith in Soriel once again.