It was Wednesday morning, meaning that two days had passed since Monday.
My routine had remained the same.
Just getting all the work done.
That was the plan I had laid out for myself. The daily life I had chosen to cling to.
Only with that plan, could I truly change.
"In…according to the…that's why…" I heard a voice say these few words.
It was my art teacher who was the source of this voice.
Despite the fact that I knew she was speaking and that her sentences were coherent, I couldn't actually make out what she said.
My eyelids drooped and I felt my body relax.
'What's she saying…Crap! Wake up!'
I forcibly jolted my body awake in an attempt to wake myself up.
'Damn it, I'm sure I got enough sleep. Why am I so drained?'
I arranged my schedule so that I'd get at least 8 hours of sleep daily.
Yet my body still felt weak.
'What a pain…'
"Are you okay, Elliot?" I heard a female voice whisper.
By now, after hearing that voice almost daily, I could tell it was Soriel's with ease.
In all honesty, I wanted to ignore her and not bother responding.
It wasn't like she did anything wrong. Actually, she made me quite happy.
On top of that, my complicated feelings for her still remained.
But I was just really tired.
Still though, I wanted to change.
"Yeah, I'm great," I said with a smile.
Soriel looked slightly surprised but flashed a smile back and nodded.
I then focused my attention back on the lesson.
If I didn't, my work would be put to waste.
**
Math was always a weird subject for me.
I preferred it compared to classes like English and Social studies due to the fact I performed better in Math.
However, I never felt like I was particularly good at it.
To me, it was a lot like life.
Math had millions of equations. Life has millions of problems.
And there was a solution to all of them.
Yet, I never seemed to find that solution when I really wanted to.
But this time, I found one.
My new way of life was a solution.
Or, perhaps it wasn't.
'Huh?'
Looking at my paper, I let a confused expression appear on my face.
The answer I had written was wrong.
I glanced around frantically for where I went wrong but I was still confused.
Then, I realized I had forgotten a step.
'I studied this yesterday, how did I forget this?'
It seemed that I was still not doing enough.
Not trying hard enough.
And it had to make me ask a question I had always asked before.
'Am I enough?'
**
As I sat in the cafeteria with the others, I heard commotion all around.
It made it hard to focus on what I was doing.
"Elliot?" Nishimoya asked.
"Yeah? What's up?" I replied.
"What are you doing?"
"Studying."
"Why?"
I looked up from my math notebook and saw Nishimoya staring at me.
She had a frown on her face.
I gave her a confused look.
"Is something wrong?"
"No, it's nothing," Nishimoya said before shaking her head.
I frowned but went back to my reading.
**
The school bell rang, signaling the end of the day.
I tiredly got up from my seat and left the coding classroom with my stuff.
It didn't take long before I was out of the school completely.
I was about to exit the block completely but I was stopped.
"Elliot, Let's walk together," Tristan appeared, his hand on my shoulder.
I raised my eyebrow, but I didn't object.
If you hadn't noticed, I had significantly cut the amount of times I hung out with Soriel after school. That was in order to change…and to force myself to stop liking her.
That meant I had a bit more free time which I now used for studying.
But this time I decided to make some time.
For about 10 minutes we walked together in silence.
I wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure what to say.
Plus, it seemed like Tristan had something to say.
"Elliot. What are you doing?"
"Huh? What the hell are you talking about?"
Tristan turned his gaze to me.
"The thing you're doing. Trying to change or act differently. It's gonna fail," he declared indifferently.
My eyes slightly widened and my body tensed.
"What? What do you mean it's going to fail? Why? How do you know?" I questioned frantically.
Tristan shrugged.
"I just know."
"That's crap and you know it."
"It doesn't matter. You'll still fail,
I clenched my fists.
"What the hell?! What's your problem?"
"Look, aren't you doing this because of Soriel? Because you like her? It's stupid. You're just afraid."
"What?"
I stopped walking and Tristan did too.
"Love is just fear. The fear of losing a person, the fear of what happens without them. That is love,"
I gritted my teeth, trying to prevent his foolish words from phasing me.
"Stop being afraid. You need to stop being afraid, like me. That fear is making you act like an idiot," he ordered.
I stared at Tristan for a few moments, a whirlwind of emotion stirring in my heart.
'That's not all it is…what the hell does he know? I'm not just afraid…right?'
My stomach churned, making me feel like I was about to puke.
"Shut the hell up. Don't push your half baked beliefs on me," I retorted, seething with rage.
I walked off the sidewalk, took a quick glance to both sides, and crossed the street.
I didn't really know where I was going, but it didn't matter.
I needed to do something.
I needed to get away.
Perhaps…perhaps it was because…
I was afraid.