'Ugh…this is taking forever…'
As I sat in the study hall, I anxiously glanced at the clock on the wall.
I was supposed to be completing homework, since I did get a lot but I was a tiny bit impatient.
'Can't time move a bit faster? I need to go ask Soriel already…'
It was my last period so I had already spent up all the focus I could muster.
It was a really unfavorable situation.
But there was nothing else to do so I took out my homework.
After all, I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to get as much homework done as usual once I got home.
**
'Alright! Let's go!'
The second I heard the school bell ring, I got my stuff and began to find the music room.
Knowing Soriel, that'd be the only place she'd be. Well, assuming she was still in the school building.
'There it is…'
Obviously, it didn't take long for me to reach the music room.
And when I did, I heard a beautiful sound.
It felt eventful, playful even. Yet, it felt as if it was missing something. Like it had lost something it was longing for.
The melody gave me a faint sense of nostalgia but I couldn't put my finger on why.
Either way, I entered the room.
Quickly, Soriel stopped playing and looked towards my direction.
Then, she smiled brightly.
"Elliot! It's been a little while since the last time I met you here…"
Looking at her, I felt slightly guilty.
Even though she recommended the idea of changing, I had been disconnecting from her in order to do that.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I…uh…want to talk to you about something."
Soriel tilted her head slightly in curiosity and made a bit of room for me on the piano stool.
I noticed her movement and sat down next to her.
For a moment, I hesitated.
'This is kind of embarrassing…'
After my previous talk with her on my opinion of myself, you'd think I'd be more comfortable with talking to her about this stuff.
But I was still apprehensive.
"Elliot, don't worry. You can tell me,"
Those words from Soriel snapped me out of my thoughts and I let out a sigh.
And then, I spoke.
"Recently, I've been trying to follow your advice. I've been working out, studying, and cleaning the house daily in an effort to be better. I stopped being on my phone almost entirely and I've been doing everything I can to focus in class but…"
I took a deep breath.
I had to force myself to come to terms with what I was going to say.
"None of it's working. I haven't actually changed. I'm just getting more and more exhausted," I said.
There was silence for a little bit and I just stared at the piano.
But after a while, I got confused why she didn't say anything.
'Is something wrong…?'
Hesitantly, I turned my head to look at Soriel.
'Huh?'
With a large smile, Soriel stared at me silently.
I raised my eyebrow.
"Uh, w-what are you doing?" I muttered.
Soriel seemed to snap back into reality when I said that.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just really happy you came to me about this," she answered happily.
I looked at her with an odd expression.
"Regardless, about your situation…I know what's wrong," Soriel said.
I instinctively straightened my posture and intently listened to what Soriel had to say.
"You're pushing yourself too hard. You're trying to change everything at once and with too much intensity, so you'll tire yourself out…" she said.
Hearing this, I felt slightly relieved.
But I was still a bit upset with myself.
'That's so simple, I really should've figured that out on my own…'
"But that's not the only issue. Or rather, it's not the root of the problem," she added.
'Eh?'
Soriel pointed her finger in front of my face with a look of disapproval.
"The problem is that you're punishing yourself! Because of your self-hatred, you keep overworking yourself as a punishment. You need to change not as a punishment, but as a genuine effort to improve yourself…" Soriel explained.
I let a look of slight surprise slip onto my face.
'Punishing myself…?'
Slowly, I began to ponder over Soriel's words.
'I guess she's not wrong. The whole time I've been doing this, my mindset has been that I deserve the limitations I set up. That I deserved far worse than any boredom or fatigue I could put myself through…'
A frown appeared upon my face.
'Have I always been punishing myself? Now that I think about it, forcing out an apology to Shin was only because I thought I deserved his insults. Hell, even me supporting Soriel was a way of punishing myself because I thought I hadn't suffered enough.'
I deserve this.
That was the thought that constantly went through my mind whenever something unfortunate happened to me.
I had never considered that my way of thinking had been harmful.
That I had been failing because of a subconscious limiter I'd placed on myself.
I looked at Soriel.
She looked at me with a smile.
On my own, I was afraid of being proved wrong.
The only reason I realized that issue was because I needed another person to help me.
So, at that moment, I made a decision. No, a commitment.
I wouldn't help Soriel as a punishment anymore.
I'd help her because she was my friend.
And because I liked her.
"Thank you, like always."
"Anytime."
Now, I only had one more person to speak to.
**
"Hey Tristan."
As I exited the school building, I called out to Tristan.
It was the next day, and school had just finished.
Turning around Tristan looked at me.
It wasn't a gaze full of anger or resentment. Nor was it regret, relief, or sadness.
Yet, I could still feel a strong emotion in his eyes.
"Yeah?" Tristan responded.
"Wanna go somewhere?" I asked.
"Sure," he replied.
Honestly, I was relieved he didn't seem mad about my outburst from the other day.
But I acted casually and we walked together.
The walk took a little while and while we walked, neither of us said a word.
Eventually, we arrived at a river under a bridge.
There were railings blocking us from going in and there was a metal bench so we both sat down.
"You stopped trying so hard," he said.
"Yeah," I admitted.
Since my conversation with Soriel, I slowly changed my approach.
Nishimoya even seemed happy when I stopped studying during lunch, which I later realized was because before I told her to stop studying so hard.
I guess I was pretty inconsiderate, even while trying to change.
Anyway, I soon began to speak again.
"I'm sorry for the other day. That was my fault. You were right. What I was doing wasn't working. And you were also right in saying I was afraid…" I apologized, looking at the river.
Tristan didn't show a reaction, but still spoke.
"It's fine. I didn't know how to explain what the problem was. Your reaction made sense."
We stayed silent for a couple of moments, but that didn't last long.
"But something you said was wrong too," I remarked.
Tristan didn't seem phased, but he did make an intrigued expression.
"How?" He replied.
I straightened my posture.
"Love isn't just fear. Yeah, when you love someone you are definitely afraid of losing them but…" I began to say.
Steeling my resolve, I continued to speak.
"Love is also courage. The courage to trust, the courage to confront, the courage to care for someone even though losing them could cause unfathomable pain. I believe that too, is love," I stated.
Then, I turned my gaze towards Tristan.
"I think you're afraid too, Tristan. Afraid to care about things. Afraid to give things meaning,"
Tristan said nothing and kept his gaze on the water.
"I've known you for a while. Even if you think things have no meaning, you still do things to help. Like that time you saved that cat. You may not have realized it, but you instinctively attach meaning to the things you do," I explained.
I forced a smile.
A smile Tristan would never see.
A meaningless one.
"Before, I was so afraid of your reality that I never put thought into why I actually believed there was purpose for anything, but now I think I remember," I blurted out.
I hesitated for a moment. Yet, my smile grew wider and I continued to speak.
"It's because of how all of you have helped me. Without Soriel's talent for music, I would've never been vulnerable enough to listen to her words. Without your attention to detail, I might've continued trying to achieve my goal in the wrong way. Talents and traits, those aspects of ourselves specifically help each other grow in a way we couldn't have without them. I believe that we were designed intricately to help each other in specific ways like these…"
My belief may have been stupid. Naive. Foolish.
I'm sure a lot of people would think that.
But it's what I believed, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
"And now, I'm asking you to believe. If you believe there is meaning, find it. Find something to put your faith in. It might not even be the same belief as me. Hell, even if you don't find it, make it. It doesn't matter. But don't run away from what you truly believe," I declared.
That's what I wanted for Tristan.
I wanted him to be brave.
"Sure," Tristan replied, meeting my gaze.
That's all that he said.
All that needed to be said.
Because in his eyes, held something I had never seen in them before.
They held purpose.