I was not sure whether he took it seriously, as his tone was saying a lot more than his actual feedback. Although he does not fake his care but I still do not feel at ease with his unusual care.
"I did not mean it-" "Yes, you did." He cuts me off instantly. My present was not supporting me all the way. I hurt someone with my tone. Maybe it went out of my mouth. But I can say it was more dismal than his words on the first night. The words slipped from his mouth. I can not lie to him, saying that it slipped, too. Cause it is true, I actually thought he fake cares. I can not tell a lie to save myself from the situation, I am heading into. I was feeling like crying. I can not say sorry, he will say it's okay, AGAIN. I can not live with it that I disrespect someone who did nothing to me. And I did not move myself away from the damage, I created. I felt so low. What he did was preferable with his anger and feedback. It was so far away from my feedback. I took it wrong. I should not have shown my anger or feedback in that way. In that unkind way. "I am sorry about my feedback." I wish people could invent another word instead of sorry. I was, putting all my respect down, all my humors away, all my guilts before, holding my chin at a lower point, praying my eyes not to release any tears. At that moment, he should cry, not me, just to show how guilty I am?!
But it didn't listen. It falls from my eyes. I continued crying, I do not know any specific way to stop those whenever they fall. "Li-listen, I did not manage myself. I-I am sorry. Please, forgive me. Don't think me wrong. I-I honestly could not - I could not think that it would turn in that way and hurt you. Please, don- don't hate me." I do not have any idea how I requested him, how the tone sounded like, or where all the words were. I cried, I was crying, I kept crying. It was becoming louder and louder. The boundaries did not listen to mine, it breaks itself and pushed my heart to cry more. The ruthless did not listen to mine, it pushed me to yell. Unrelenting sounds were sparkling in my heart. I had just no one.
I saw him changing the reaction after I ended up crying like a kid. "Modric, it's all right with me. I just didn't want you to think I fake anything. It's okay not to trust me. But you got the clearance, now, as you will know it forever. I am sure you will think about it again. But why are you crying? Don't cry in that way. It's okay. Sometimes, it is acceptable to show anger. Like I did, remember. And yeah, I did not take it in another way. It is all okay, you are thinking of me rude, fake, demanding, or any other things. It will never hurt me. I will prove you wrong in the meantime. It is my responsibility to let you know every single thing in detail. Think anything about me, but if you keep doing it, it will never be your fault. It will be mine. Cause I LET YOU." I looked up into his eyes. The words directly come to my heart and remove the ruthless. Made the boundary. Let me think about something else. He was not lying at all. All I did was in an absent-minded way. I lost it, I have been thinking about it for so long. Since the day he started noticing me, I started taking it wrong. He was so pure. And how can I mutter those words to him? I will never be able to tell him anything. He was not demanding telling me not to take those pills. He was not fake, caring for me. It was just me, taking it all wrong. Thinking him wrong. NO, it is not his responsibility to make me realise the difference between right and wrong, I ain't disabled. I can understand. Just could not make my feedback proper before muttering something. I realised it happened only before real people. I had had enough with my feedback.