He knocked on the door before coming into the room. I noticed that he did this. It was a thing but it said a lot about him. The room was his the flowers were his. He was paying for every bit of it.. He still knocked. Like he was not sure if he was allowed to be anymore.
"Come in " I said to him.
He opened the door. Stopped just inside it. He had fixed his tie. Smoothed his hair while he was gone. He looked composed again like the man I had seen that morning was gone. The man who had been crying was hidden away somewhere I could not see.
He looked around the room. I told him "She went to get some food. She will be soon."
He nodded. His eyes went to the chair beside my bed the one Zoey had been sitting in. Then he looked at the chair the one he had been sitting in when I woke up. He picked the one that was away. He sat down like a man who was not sure if he was invited to a meeting.
We looked at each other. I said, "You do not have to stay. If it is easier for you to go."
He said, "It is not about what's easy."
I asked him "What is it about then?"
He thought about this for a moment. He looked like someone who was not used to being asked questions. "I want to be " he said. Like it was the answer that made sense.
I asked him "Why?"
He was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "Because you are here." Like it was obvious. Like it was the reason he needed.
I looked at him for a moment. This man was a stranger. He had the face of someone I should know. He had been sitting in hospital chairs for four days crying when he thought no one was looking and knocking on doors he had every right to walk through.
I said, "Nathan I need you to tell me something. I need you to tell me the truth."
His jaw got a tighter. " Right " he said.
I asked him "What were we to each other?"
The question hung in the air. He did not flinch,. He got very still. Like he was choosing his words carefully.
He said, "You were important to me."
I said, "That is not an answer."
He said, "It is the truth."
I said, "Nathan I woke up four days ago and I did not know who I was or what my life was like. There is a man sitting in my hospital room who has been here every day who paid for all of this who was..." I stopped. I started again. "I need to know what I am dealing with. What we were, officially."
Something changed in his face.
He said, "Officially " like he was thinking about what that meant.
I said, "Yes."
He was quiet for a time. I started to think that the answer was not going to be simple.
He said, "We were not official."
I asked him "What do you mean?"
He said, "We did not have a title. I never gave you one."
I let that sit between us for a moment.
I said, "But I was in your life. For a time."
He said, "Yes. For three years."
Three years. I thought about that. I looked at the roses on the bedside table. They were big and expensive the kind of flowers you send when you do not know someone well or when you know them well you have stopped paying attention to the details.
I said, "Three years and no title."
He did not say anything. Which was an answer in itself.
I was not angry. I want to make that clear. I was not angry because I did not have the memories that would have made me angry. I just had the outline of something I could not see yet.. I was starting to understand why Zoeys face had looked the way it did. Why she had chosen her words carefully. Why he had been here every day. Why he had said "you were important to me" instead of something more straightforward.
I asked him "Can I ask you something?"
He said, "You can ask me anything."
I asked him "Did I know that I did not have a title? Did I know that from the start. Did I figure it out later?"
His jaw worked. Something in his eyes looked like shame.
He said, "You knew."
I said, "And I stayed anyway."
He said, "Yes."
I looked at him. Really looked at him. At the tiredness in his face the way he was holding himself like a man waiting for something to happen.
I said, "I think the me who stayed for three years without a title must have been very patient."
He said, "She was. Too patient."
I asked him "Did you love her?"
The question came out quieter than I meant it to. It surprised me a little.
Nathan looked at me for a moment.
He said, "I did not know how to."
I nodded slowly.
Outside New York City just kept going. The roses sat in their vase. The machine beeped steadily.
I said, "Nathan I think you should understand something." I folded my hands in my lap feeling calm in a way that surprised me. "I do not remember loving you. I do not remember three years of... Whatever we had. I do not remember being patient or not having a title or any of it." I paused. "What I have is now. This room. A man I do not know who has been sitting in that chair for four days."
He watched me. He was barely breathing.
I said, "I am not saying this to be mean. I am saying it because I think you deserve to know what you are dealing with. If that is the way to put it." I looked at the roses. "You can not get back what I do not remember. You can not make me remember it or remind me of it. Whatever was between us before... It does not exist for me now. I am starting from zero."
He was quiet for a long time.
He said, "I understand."
I asked him "Do you really understand?"
He said, "Yes." He looked at me.. For just a moment his calm face slipped. It looked like relief. Like a man who had been carrying something and was told he could put it down.
The door opened. Zoey came in with two paper bags and a coffee tray. She looked at Nathan at me then at the space between us.
She said, "I got soup.. Something that claims to be a sandwich.. There is a coffee there if you want it. It is black. I do not know how you take it."
He stood up. "I should go."
I said, "You do not have to."
He said, "I have things to take care of." His voice was smooth again.. His eyes when they met mine were not.
He said, "I will check in later. If that is all right."
I thought about it.
I said, "That is all right."
He nodded. He looked at me for half a second longer than necessary. Then he walked to the door. Was gone.
Zoey watched the door close. Then she turned to me with a look, on her face like she was thinking about a lot of things.
She said, "Well."
I said, "Do not say anything."
She said, "I was not going to say anything."
I said, "Your face was about to say everything."
She sat down. Handed me the soup. She said "He's different" after a moment. She said it quietly like she was trying to convince herself much as me. "I've never seen him, like this" she said.
"Like what" I asked her.
She thought about it for a bit. She looked at the door.
Then she said "Honest". She said "I've never seen him be that honest".
I looked at the door too. I looked at the space where he had been sitting.
I thought about him. I thought about the way he looked when I asked him if he knew what we were. I saw shame in his eyes. He sat in that chair for four days. He could not tell me what we were. He just said things like we were important. He said I never gave you a title.
I had told him we were starting from zero. I really meant it.
Now I am starting to understand what zero means. Zero is not nothing. It is a different kind of start.