I had walked thirty feet down the corridor when I heard my name. It was not the way Nathan said it all careful and calm. It was not the way my mother said it all relieved and a little tearful. This was an surprised and warm voice. The voice of someone who had not been expecting bad news but had just turned a corner and found something good.
I turned around. He was a guy, with sandy hair and a face that looked like it was always smiling. He was holding a bunch of sunflowers grabbed from a corner store not from a florist. He was wearing a jacket over a t-shirt and he looked at me like I was exactly what he expected, but also a little surprising.
I knew him. I knew him away no question. It was an warm feeling like I was happy to see him.
"Daniel " I said.
His whole face lit up. "She lives " he said. He walked up to me looked at my arm and winced. Then he held out the sunflowers. "I heard from your mom. I came fast as I could get away from work. I'm sorry it took two days. Work has been really busy."
He. Looked at me more carefully. "Are you okay? Beyond the obvious " he asked.
"It's complicated " I said. "But I'm standing so that's something."
He smiled. It was a smile, the kind that didn't ask anything of me. "You had us worried, Elara " he said.
Us I thought. Meaning him. Whoever else was in my life before. The life I remembered from four years ago before everything got messy.
I took the sunflowers from him. They were cheerful and a little chaotic nothing like roses.
"Thank you " I said. I meant it in a way that was bigger than the flowers.
I had completely forgotten that Nathan was standing next to me. He had not forgotten.
I became aware of him like I felt a change in the temperature. I. Found him looking at Daniel with a very composed expression. It was the kind of expression that said he was working hard to be calm.
"Nathan " I said. "This is Daniel. He's a friend from college."
Daniels voice was pleasant. "I know who Nathan is " he said. His eyes moved between us. He looked at me with a question he didn't ask out loud. "Good to meet you " he said to Nathan.
Nathan said, "Likewise." It was a word but it said a lot.
Daniel looked at my arm. Then at Nathans hand, which was just hanging by his side. He looked at me. I knew he was wondering what was going on between Nathan and me.
"I won't stay long " Daniel said. "I just wanted to see that you were okay. Your mom said you're having some trouble with your memory."
"Four years worth " I said.
Daniel looked at me with eyes. It was the time since I woke up that someone looked at me without any weight behind it. No guilt, no grief, no navigation. He just looked at me like I was his friend who'd had a week.
It was amazing how much I needed that.
"Can I visit you properly tomorrow?" Daniel asked. "Bring some food and we can catch up on old times."
I laughed, laughed. "Yes please " I said.
He. Squeezed my hand gently around the bandage. "Good " he said. He looked at Nathan nodded and said, "Ashford."
Nathan said, "Chen." His voice was even professional and completely controlled.
Daniel walked back down the corridor. I watched him go with a sense of relief. The world was not all bad I thought. There were still things in it.
I turned back to Nathan. He was looking at the sunflowers.
"Old friend " I said.
"I know who he is " Nathan said. His voice was still even still controlled.. His jaw was doing that thing that slight tightening that said he was not saying something.
"You don't look like someone who just knows him casually " I said.
Nathan said, "We've been in the rooms a few times. Professional circles." He looked away from the flowers. "You didn't mention him often."
"Maybe I mentioned him before I met you " I said.
Something moved in his expression. "Yes " he said. "Maybe."
We stood in the corridor and the fluorescent lights just kept shining neutral about everything. A nurse walked by with a cart and a TV murmured somewhere down the hall.
"You laughed " Nathan said.
I looked at him. "What?"
"When Daniel asked about visiting " he said. His voice was careful like he was reporting a fact. "You laughed."
"He said something " I said.
Nathan said, "I know.". Then he said it again "I know." The time it meant something different.
I looked at him at this man who had walked me down the corridor with his arm offered like a gift, who had bought me croissants because he remembered I liked them. He was standing still looking at the sunflowers like they had complicated his morning.
"Nathan " I said.
"We should head back " he said. "You've been on your feet long for today."
"Nathan " I said again.
He looked at me.
"Are you jealous?" I asked.
The word just hung there clean and simple. Nathan didn't flinch,. Something in his eyes moved, like a door opening and closing fast.
"That would be complicated for me " he said carefully.
"Because we were never official " I said.
"Because I don't have the right to it " he said.
I thought about him about the words and the controlled face. The jaw that kept giving him
"For someone who didn't define things for three years " I said slowly "you seem sure about what you don't have the right to."
He looked at me for a moment.
Then quietly he said, "That's the most accurate thing anyone has said to me in a long time."
I didn't know what to do with that. So I looked down at the sunflowers in my hand. They were bright and a little unruly smelling like something alive.
"Walk me back?" I said.
"Yes " he said.
He offered his arm again. I took it. We walked back down the corridor in the silence of two people who had just said more than they meant to and were sitting with the consequences.
My mom was back when we returned, standing in the doorway with two cups of coffee. She looked at the sunflowers at Nathans arm and then at my face.
She handed me a coffee. Said nothing.. Her expression had shifted, just a little. It was not warmth exactly. Something more cautious.
Like someone who had been very sure, about how a story ended and was starting to wonder if they had read it right.