He's not going to bring me to an hospital.
That's...something I kind of figure out the night where it happened. Well, that's something I kind of figured out just after the doctor left.
If I can call this piece of shit a doctor.
Still, that's something that didn't settled in me until weeks later.
Until I saw my parents walking around, seeing my father leaving the house in the morning. Like everyday. Seeing my mom moving around in the house while carrying me.
That's not something I really internalized until I saw them acting like everything was normal.
Yeah.
No hospital for me apparently.
Fuck.
Those weeks were pretty depressing. Really depressing.
But I couldn't give up.
Because I genuinely couldn't.
I mean, I can't even kill myself what do you want me to do man?
So I didn't give up. And today?
Today I'm three months old.
When the doctor arrived I considered myself to be one month old.
When he left, something in me kind of snapped during this depressive episode.
I think it's something about the rollercoaster of emotions, torture, and the baby brain, something kind of shifted in my brain.
I stopped crying as much as I wanted.
I went back to my usual restraining self, maybe it was a bad idea, maybe I should have kept up my crying till my heart goes out or my parents finally do something.
But I didn't, I didn't want to risk suffering in their arms even longer, and to be honest, I doubt they can do much for me.
So I stopped crying, the cries not coming out even when it felt like holy fire was burning my limbs.
I didn't.
Instead I looked at the light.
The light from the window I cannot see.
And I started counting.
I don't know the exact age I was when the doctor came, I think I was one month old, but I wasn't that confident about it.
But now? I'm sure two months passed since the doctor left.
Told you I counted.
In the morning, when my parents just start to wake up, the sun shines above us. Through the window and sticking to the ceiling.
In the afternoon. The sun fill the room.
In the night, no sun.
I wake up at weird hours. Not really having a rhythm, and sleeping in the morning, afternoon, or even night, like a baby.
Because I'm one.
In any case. Whenever I wake up, I'm usually in my crib. And I can use the sun direction to figure out if a day passed or not.
That's how I started counting the days.
And it's been two months since the doctor came.
Sixty days exactly, I'm rounding everything up. Makes everything neater.
During those two months. Apart from my depressive episode. I started training, harder, even harder than I did before.
The hardest part of my training is this one.
Right now I'm in my mother arm. Eyes closed as she moves around the house, humming, and I believe, cleaning.
My eyes are closed. My body still.
The pain grows. Raging through my body, through everything, I want to flex, twitch, scream, do anything to escape the pain.
But I don't.
There's no fucking doctor coming back for me.
So I'm going to deal with this shit myself.
Like usual, with this training. I try to stay as still as possible.
When I started. Sobs couldn't help but comes out of my throat, traveling through my chest and forcing their way out.
Now though? I manage to control them.
I'm not sounding like an abused child restraining his crying after being beaten by his abusive parents anymore.
Which is great progress to me. Even if the pain didin't diminished for a single second.
The only thing improving is my pain tolerance here.
Which is a bad thing because I DON'T want to full pain overall.
..
Don't have much of a choice though.
So I keep my eyes closed, and feel it. Tha pain. What is it exactly?
No idea really.
But it's there, and with the amount of exposure I got? I'm the leading expert on the subject.
The pain, the source of the pain starts in my gut.
I think.
My core.
It's right there, twisting and turning. Then, it dilutes, slightly, not like the pain is less, maybe the word 'spreading' is a better description?
Let's go with that.
It spreads.
The pain spreads through my body.
Going from the core to infuse all of my limbs.
Organs too.
Actually, it starts with the organs, and then the organs pain spreads through my limbs.
The pain starts from the core, and like a tree, it branches out in thousands of small veins, that pulses in pain while they connect every parts of my body.
The veins themselves hurt.
But what hurts worse is what I call the bases.
Whenever one of those veins finished to travel through my body, they go to a sort of homebase where the concentration of pain is bigger.
For example.
From my core, to a weird painful thread that connects to my heart, the heart is a base, it hurts more than the thread, constantly feels like it's getting grasped by a hand.
Then, the heart pain, spread through other parts of my body.
And this goes with all of my organs.
No exceptions.
Those threads of pain run through my body, through my organs, like veins, then they connect to my limbs
None are spared.
Right now. In pure stillness, I can feel the pain infusing every limbs, head included.
I'm not joking when I say that NOTHING is spared.
For example my shoulders feel like they're imploding, my shoulders are a base. Constantly feels like they're ballooning and ready to explode in a gory explosion.
Passing this base, the threads descend from my shoulders to travel through my arms.
There's a lot of home bases on my arms, on my shoulders like I said. But not only, there's multiple bases in my shoulders, some feeling deeper than the others, it's a similar trend to the other home bases in my arm.
There's some on my shoulders, some on my elbows, some on my hands, some on my wrists.
Those bases are more painful than the usual threading like I said.
But everything is infused with pain.
Even the tips of my fingers are painful.
It's the same with my legs. From my hips, to my thighs, and finishing with my feet.
Everything hurts.
When I started this practice. Whenever I focused too much on the pain, my body shaked, all of my body shaked, but there was more shaking on the part I was focused on.
For example.
When I was focusing on the tip of my fingers one day, my finger started to shake, to vibrate, as if it was trying to explode.
Or I had Parkinson's.
Maybe a bit of both.
Who knows.
I hate this practice to be honest.
I don't want to do it, it's as if I was putting myself through torture.
Unfortunately for me. I'm a baby, and I can't move or get any distraction, so this practice has been forced into me.
I get tired really quick, and sometimes I just...can't even wriggle to distract myself.
So I'm forced to suffer.
After the thirtiest time of doing this by mistake.
I started doing it willingly.
And now?
The pain is numbing, well, not really, but my pain tolerance is improving.
Still hard as fuck to do though.
It's like meditation. But you need to keep your focus on the pain and the torture going through your body instead of your breathing
My record in this meditation is....two minutes.
I think.
I snap my eyes open and start wriggling in my mother grip, she soothes me, and I almost cry. Again. But I restrain myself.
Instead focusing on moving as much as I can to shake the pain off.
Blinking the tears away, I find myself blinded by light.
A light.
Which light?
I blink the tears away again, trying to get my eyes to focus. Finally, after a while. My mother busy wiping something in our bedroom, I finally manage to look at what is giving out this light.
It's the sun.
And finally. Perched on someone bigger than me, I can see the window showing said sun.
Said sun and...the city under it.
The...village under it.
Weird. Small. Most of the houses are made of wood, there's no building bigger than two stories tall, some childrens. In weird clothes are running in the street, throwing stuff at each other and miming weird stuff, moving their hands as if they had superpowers.
Most adults nod at each others, probably knowing everyone in such a tight knit community.
There's more adults than childrens around, weirdly enough? But maybe it's because it's raining?
There's no walls on the outskirts of the village, instead, there's just fields. Rain is falling on said field
Agriculture, of course.
....just beside a village.
My mother keeps humming like everything is fine.
I get why I never went to an hospital, I'm in a medieval world aren't I?