I don't know what happened with my brain after I figured out I was in a medieval world.
But it really put a fire under my ass.
I don't really know what happened, yes, I'll admit.
But I can mime you what happened, or the gist of it at least
At first I was like
"Huh...okay?"
And then I felt my pain again. And I was like.
"Wait....medieval world. No doctors. No doctors equal no healing, no healing equal living my new life forever as an infirm"
And then I went.
"NONONONONO"
So here I am. Crawling. Or trying to at least.
I'M THREE MONTHS OLD BITCH, LET ME CRAWL IF I FEEL LIKE IT
Relearning to crawl is it's own excercice in excruating torture. Pushing my palm on my blanket, the one in my crib, I try to push myself in a crawl position, again. I don't manage.
So I lean back on my baby legs, trying to kneel or something.
I don't manage.
The best I manage is to rest my ass on my heels while laying on my belly.
And that's not crawling.
Even then, this is it's own exercice of torture. I feel FUCKING exhausted, I wanna sleep again, but I can't otherwise it's torture training again.
So I try again. In this weird position, I try to move my spine around. Trying to crawl like some kind of lizard.
An adorable sound comes out of my mouth but I don't manage.
FUCK!
HAND! BAD HAND! STOP GRABBING THE BLANKET LIKE THAT!
Urgh, fucking hell.
This is the hardest shit I've ever done in my life.
A feeling of dread rises up in me as I remember my meditation. The one that happens whenever I stop moving.
Where the pain is the worse.
I ignore the feeling of dread as much as I can and start trying to crawl again.
Exhaustion doesn't sounds that bad now that I think about it you know?
Actually?
It sounds great!
And it sounds like a great way to experiment more about one the question that's been plaguing my brain for a long while already.
Why is movement helping me?
I don't know why, and I don't understand why.
Pushing as much as I can. I try to move my arm around, feeling it move, snaking it around the blanket. Grabbing stuff, doing stuff, anything.
Trying to understand WHAT'S happening. Why does it help?
But no matter how much I focus, I just can't figure it out.
When I'm still. Everything hurts as much as possible.
But when I move, the area I move, and the areas surrounding it hurts less.
Why?
No idea.
I sigh but it comes out as an adoring garble, pushing myself on my side with herculean efforts. I manage to land on the sweet zone where gravity takes over and let me land back first.
Okay.
Let's try to figure it out.
...I need to figure it out..
Maybe it will help me cure this stuff? I still secretly hope that all babies feel this, don't remember it, and I'm just a guy with bad pain tolerance.
I really hope that's it.
I close my eyes, and stay still. Just like I do for my usual meditations.
But I'm not meditating, instead, I focus on the pain. Like I would usually do, and I start moving my arm. Lift it up, and around. Trying to figure out why it hurt less when I do.
Again.
It starts in my core, thread up in my organs, reaches my collarbone drops on my shoulder. Multiple threads appear, more bases in my arm, and finally it reaches the tip of my fingers.
However.
Something a bit...weird happens whenever I lift my arm.
When I move.
Whenever I move, the threads, that I manage to feel out with pain as my guidance, recedes.
Slightly.
It's not like they dissapear, it's as if they were being smoothed out by a grinding stone.
Or as if the threads and the bases of pain were some kind of cream, when you put a big glob of it on the skin, it's seeable, you can see it, touch it, remove it and all.
But if you start massaging the cream and incorporate it in your skin.
It dissapears, absorbed by said skin.
It almost feels similar whenever I move my body.
Something rises in my chest, and a dumb baby laugh escapes me. Fuck I sound adorable.
Ignoring my giggles, I put my arm down and focus again. Rising my other arm and testing the same thing I did with my left arm.
The pain. Threading, flowing around.
And whenever I move. The more I move, the more it...spreads. Like some kind of cream, as if it was being mixed in my body or something.
It's a weird feeling.
But...am I reducing the amount of pain whenever I move?
Am I removing and absorbing whatever is hurting me whenever I move?
Another cute giggle.
I put my arm down and start experimenting on my legs now, raising the right one, rolling the feet with as much dexterity as possible -which is not a lot-
And the same happens.
A spread. A slow spread. A slow absorption. And the more I spread, the less pain I feel.
I do the same with my left left, following the trend of trying every single one of my limbs.
The results are as expected.
And I start laughing even more, more and more, joy infusing my being with the easily changeable moods only a baby can have.
"Wel-#-#&#- happ-#-#-" My mom looks inside the room, leaning on the door with a smile as she sees me laugh at nothing. At the ceiling maybe, or whatever a dumb baby mind laugh at.
She comes closer until she can lean above my crib and look at me, she says some things in a baby voice.
And even poke my big laughing cheeks.
I don't mind it.
Not when I finally figured out a viable path to heal my hellish body.