Shan Si rubbed along his hand, against the popped veins. It was to the point his thumb would trail along red, the result of friction against the skin.
"Everything you explained is exactly how it played out," Shan Si said in response to the dreams, just as his shoulders slumped. "For some reason, you're inheriting Zhuan's memories. Hah, if you really think about it, it makes Daoist Weng sound reasonable."
"…" Tao Hua averted his gaze for a moment, his lashes fallen. He didn't seem to care about the Zhuan comment, or the revelation. All he cared about was the man sitting next to him. "Why?"
At this point, Shan Si could read Tao Hua as well as he could a history book. He knew damn well his efforts to divert the conversation was in vain.
"I don't know. I wish I could tell you something drove me insane—because it felt that way—but that wouldn't justify all that was done and my own greed. I'm responsible, through and through," Shan Si writhed, nearly piercing the nub of his nail through the thin part of his skin. "At the time Zhonglai and Shendi were at war against each other, and you have to believe me when I say my part was only a fraction of the atrocities committed."
Tao Hua side-glanced at Shan Si's hands.
"Shendi…wasn't as virtuous a place as many said. It was a guise, all hidden being the love of a fucked-up god. Slavery, trafficking, sacrifice, greed," Shan Si sighed painfully. "It was all a common practice then. I know it's hard to believe, no one ever remembers it for those things."
Bottom lip quivering, and eyes still locked on Shan Si's hands, Tao Hua observed Shan Si's pained expression. He leaned toward him and slipped his hands between Shan Si's. This was enough to stop him from assaulting it any further.
Just how Shan Si consoled him earlier, Tao Hua would do his absolute best.
"I believe you...and I don't think you're fully at fault," he said, his other hand carefully placed atop Shan Si's. Naturally, he didn't—the Shan Si from the dream was a version of him that looked terrified of what was done. There was more to this that neither knew, and Tao Hua wanted to get to the bottom of it.
"Not fully, at least. But why Jianlai and not Shendi? Um...those were your people, weren't they?"
Shan Si's head tilted just as Tao Hua folded his fingers around Shan Si's—well, tried to. Scornfully, he smiled. "Who do you think funded it? War is profitable; that's how Jianlai found its glory in gold."
Tao Hua frowned. To feel such discomfort in Shan Si, to the point of shaking—that was abnormal. Typically, Shan Si knew exactly how to calm Tao Hua down, and now that the roles were reversed, he wasn't sure what was the right or wrong thing to do.
"At first, I thought I could handle the problem simply. I killed the head of the operation—the one calling the shots—my father. Turns out that regardless of one's age, young or not, people always need someone to look up to.
"I was sixteen at the time, mourning the loss of a man I despised. Since Father only ever had few sons after me, all of which father hated, I was naturally favoured.
"The thing is, Tao Hua…" Shan Si tilted his head toward his shoulder. "When placed in power, you end up seeing the many horrors of the world—people become transparent, and less beautiful. So, I did what I thought was best in handling the atrocities. I taxed Shendi into poverty, but that only increased their need for coin. When desperate, people build systems underground.
"Jianlai began falling into despair further and further, their luxuries ripped from them, by me. Once all other options are exhausted, people revolt, and when people revolt, you're left with no choice but to make examples of them. That is the way of greed.
"At that point I was nineteen when Jinalai fell—not even of age. The more blood splattered, the more you're dyed in the colours of such greed. Right from wrong blur into self-righteousness."
Glancing up to look at Shan Si, Tao Hua saw how much pain there was even in the conversation. He hated seeing it, to the point it felt like someone had grabbed his heart and squeezed dry of all blood.
It was worse than feeling the pain of the substance.
"So, they appointed you as emperor at sixteen?" Tao Hua frowned.
"Yes, and no. There wasn't any ceremony—that's at twenty, but Jianlai didn't make it to my coming of age. But it also wasn't like I was without support either. When it came to logistics and intel, I had Wan Mie to help me."
"…" There was something about this Tao Hua found odd. "Was he also against your father?"
"Hated him," Shan Si scoffed. "But my father was nonethewiser to Wan Mie's schemes, and I'm sure you've noticed he's quite the theatrical man. Overall, he was on my side since then, and even now."
Tao Hua's brows furrowed. Was Shan Si aware that he was still playing those schemes now? He wasn't sure how to bring it up to Shan Si now, and from the look on his face, it wasn't hard to tell that now wasn't the time.
Tao Hua had to maneuver carefully.
"What about Zhuan?"
"Zhuan?" That's when Shan Si settled somewhat, and his lips ticked up into a soft smile. "Zhuan wasn't one to involve herself in political affairs—she cared only for those she considered her family. The only time I felt a sense of peace was lying in Mother's lap, listening to Zhuan's stories. She was a magnificent singer, you know."
Why…is it that his account and Wan Mie's both differ so much? But one more look at Shan Si, and Tao Hua decided that now wasn't the time.
He didn't need to think before acting, and only thought of soothing him. As soon as Shan Si started on about his mother, Tao Hua removed his hands, crawled on top of the daybed, and wrapped his arms around Shan Si's shoulders.
"I can't sing, and I…I don't know what to do half the time," Tao Hua said, leaning his head into the crook of Shan Si's neck. "But I know how to pay attention, and I can listen well. Whatever the issue—your past, the curse, your agony—we'll get through it. Even if it's just the two of us in the end.
Slowly closing his eyes and hugging Tao Hua, Shan Si breathlessly laughed. "Oh, Tao Hua, your naivete scares me sometimes."
"That's okay," Tao Hua muttered. "If I'm with you, then being naive won't hurt me."
"Ah, so right. You really only need to be with me," he lightly jested. Somewhat.
Although Shan Si wanted to tell Tao Hua he deserved much better, the words just wouldn't slip out. The truth was, he knew Tao Hua deserved the purest of things, and all the treasures the world offered, but he didn't want to give him that.
Why, when Tao Hua could find it in him? Rely on him?
Letting out a hefty heave of air, Shan Si just rested his head on Tao Hua's shoulder, sharing in the heat of two broken people confiding.
They remained in a comfortable silence for quite a while, and while Tao Hua indulged himself sincerely, eyes closed, and breathing evened out, Shan Si differed.
It was the moment he realized that having this naive man around wasn't a choice or an infatuation, but a necessity. He couldn't live without him, and doing so was no different than giving up the only sustenance left that could satiate his hunger.
Overall, the greed he once had then, back in Jianlai, had only transferred onto Tao Hua.
Slowly opening his eyes, he glared down at the ground, fighting against the urge to take a bite, throw that innocence onto the bed and take advantage of it's attachment, utilize "anything you want," and see him in positions that others couldn't.
Those urges and desires he'd been holding back were growing with each passing day, becoming unbearable.
All of what he wanted was right within his arms, clinging onto him as if reliant. Yet, Shan Si still couldn't act out on that greed, even if it killed him.
Oh, how times have changed.
Chapter end.