Through the sobs and sniffs, and amid the wake of dawn, Tao Hua continued to drone on and on. Most of it didn't make sense, while the other half was so heartbreakingly worded that Shan Si simply forgot how to swallow.
In real time, he was witnessing the very author of the book he'd stolen from Tao Hua. None of it felt good, and each time Tao Hua would blame himself for Shan Si's actions, Shan Si's muscles would stiffen.
He didn't stop Tao Hua, no matter how hard it was to hear. This man had lived long enough to understand that someone capable of such nonsense needed to let it all out.
Let the truth come later.
Gasping, Tao Hua unknowingly dug his nails into Shan Si's arms, just as they remained wrapped around him. He admitted ridiculous things like, "You seemed so interested, and I thought someone wanted to be my friend for once," and "I tried so hard to become someone you'd be proud of…I didn't want you to leave."
Then, laid it all out for Shan Si to understand just how lonely he truly was. From gathering his father's books, being put on house arrest, and pissing off his own fiancée enough for her to scream at him.
All of that, Tao Hua took responsibility for, despite none of it being his fault. What did that say about Shan Si?
Reality was a book so densely written that it hurt terribly when thrown in one's face.
The worst of it arrived when Tao Hua's body bent forward, held by Shan Si. It was as if he was finally giving up, and weakly he'd say, "I'm so tired."
It was as if he wasn't aware of the situation at all, and his dulled eyes just stared down at the grooves in the snow, all created by his clumsiness.
"I just wanted to be happy for once." It was the truth Tao Hua had been holding back for most of his life. He wasn't happy with his life, nor with the treatment he'd received in Siyue Town. "I didn't realize how much it actually hurt. I really want it to stop hurting."
Slowly, Shan Si opened his eyes and stared down at the limp man in his arms, watching as his shoulders trembled with each hollowed sob.
Maybe, just maybe, if he left Tao Hua back in Siyue Town, he'd be fine. Realistically, he didn't have to take Tao Hua and there was no reason. All he needed was the book, even if the book didn't work.
So why did he act out and take him if it wasn't necessary? Why did he have to do it in such a terrible, frightening manner? Was he so angry with what he'd read that he took it out on the first possible thing he'd come in contact with? Even if that thing was the poor animal being abused?
What a sick, twisted reality of a man he was. He was grappling with the fact that perhaps it was best to give Tao Hua a life he deserved and watch from a distance.
Why didn't he like that?
Life wasn't fair; anyhow, it's never been fair, and Shan Si was well aware of such facts. It was easier to protect something if all problems stayed at a distance—that meant himself.
The consequences were brutal and depressing.
"I don't get it…" Tao Hua's bottom lip quivered. The tears slowed down and left him in a mess of puffy eyes, a reddened nose, and wet cheeks. "If I'm so hated, why couldn't they just kil me? If they wanted me dead, they could have done it. You could hav—"
"No," Shan Si finally spoke up after a while of Tao Hua's muttering, firmly holding in place the frustrated arms that tried to escape his. "They're the ones who deserve a painful death. I'm…"
He didn't finish that last bit, but it was obvious what he wanted to say, and Tao Hua knew it in the way his own eyes mournfully widened. Oh, how painful the truth was to hear.
"Stop taking responsibility for things you have no control over. Come on—look," Shan Si said, gliding his hands down to Tao Hua's. He placed them atop, and as Tao Hua glanced down, his body writhed at the difference.
Small, chafed, and covered with dirt. He couldn't compare to Shan Si one bit. Was he just trying to rub salt in the wound?
"Why—"
"Have these ever once hurt someone?" he asked. Tao Hua couldn't quite tell what expression he had on, and even if he tried to turn his head to look, Shan Si just pressed his chin against the top of his hair. "Answer me. Have they ever hurt someone?"
"…" Tao Hua's brows wrinkled, and instinctively he tried to lower his hands; however, Shan Si kept them in place, leaving Tao Hua entirely powerless to his strength. "I don't understand. What are you doing?--"
"Just look at them," he said, flipping Tao Hua's hands over and facing his palms upward. Gently, he pressed his thumb into it, wrinkling the gauze. "Though yours are tattered and bloodied, you never once spared that towards others. Often times it's those whose hands are the cleanest that cause the most damage."
Shan Si paused, and what he wanted to say next was rather difficult, taking a while to find the right words. When he did, he sighed and said, "Mine are clean because others wear what I've done. Do you understand?"
He did, but he also didn't want to. So, he didn't respond, plain and simple and changed the subject.
Feeling a wave of exhaustion-induced nausea, Tao Hua asked, "Can we sit…?"
"I…" Shan Si hesitated, but eventually let Tao Hua's hands go and placed his own on his arms. "If that's what you want."
He turned Tao Hua around and assisted him on his way to the ground, fluffing out the black and gold outer-robe he'd given him. This was done as a seat, separating Tao Hua from the snow.
Why he was going through all the effort to help him, he still didn't know, but a frown crossed his face watching as Tao Hua propped his knees against his chest and placed his hands atop them.
For a moment, he looked up at the sky, watching as day and night blended together. He questioned his own actions alongside all the others who pointed fingers at Tao Hua, criminalizing him. Just like back in Siyue Town when he lit the outpost on fire and all eyes wanted to blame him.
Why did that make him angry?
Though when one felt small, there was power in standing next to someone who seemed smaller. All he could do was huff a scornful laugh, his head leaning toward his shoulder.
Glancing up, Tao Hua looked at Shan Si with drained confusion, but Shan Si didn't quite meet him. Instead, his eyes shifted away—toward anything but Tao Hua.
"I'm really no better than your father, huh?" said Shan Si with a pained smirk. "Even now I can't stop making things about me."
There was so much he could say and admit, and yet he only struggled. The words just wouldn't escape his lips.
"Ah…" Tao Hua also looked away, his lashes falling. He rubbed his finger against his knee, but no matter what he did, the sinking feeling of regret just wouldn't fade. "I'm sorry for that."
"Stop." Shan Si held his hand up. "You can't let others have such control over you, Tao Hua."
Even if it were an extremely tempting thought.
Sinking into his frame, Tao Hua didn't know what to say. He was guilty. But how do you train a dog to trust someone when all the dog knew was the opposite?
The wind rushed by, making the silence all the more apparent as the two crouched on the snowy forest ground. Neither said anything, but it was clear both wanted to. Shan Si had opened and closed his mouth countless times, and this continued for a while longer before Shan Si finally broke it.
"You don't have to go back there. There's plenty of great people back home." It wasn't exactly what he wanted to say, and the words "I'm sorry" remained at the tip of his tongue yet never left. Instead, he said, "They won't treat you the same way the others, your father…and me, treated you. You'll have your own room, I can give you a servant, and you won't have to see me. How does that sound?"
Tao Hua didn't respond, but Shan Si knew he deserved it. So, pressing his hands to his knees, rose to his feet and bent toward Tao Hua. Pressing his hands to his arms, he said, "You need rest. We should get going."
But Tao Hua didn't want to get up; he just tugged his arms back as his face contorted frustratingly. Shan Si's hands hovered, just as he stared down at the face hidden beyond the black strands of hair.
"If you want more, I can give you more," he said, as if that would solve anything. "Gold, books, jewels. Women. You name it, I'll get it."
That frustrated Tao Hua even more. He pressed his nails into his knees and said, "I don't want any of that. Why can't you ask me what I want?"
"…" Shan Si laughed, taunting himself. "I guess I can't argue with that."
But he paused before saying, "Then I'll give you time to think about what you want, and once you're rested, we can have a discussion."
Tao Hua glanced up at Shan Si, his eyes widening. Now, he wasn't expecting him to give in so easily. The opposite, actually! Tao Hua was so accustomed to others calling him spoiled for any and all requests that he wasn't sure how to react.
"But under one condition," Shan Si met Tao Hua, pale to peach. It was his attempt at regaining control, because gods forbid this man ever allowed himself to be vulnerable. "Enough with his self-deprecating attitude. It gets on my nerves. No more, and no more fucking death wishes. There are plenty of people out there who would be more than happy to grant it. And…"
With a complicated expression, Shan Si's brows furrowed. "I can't promise I won't act out if they tried—so keep your hands clean."
Exhaling and shaking off the second-hand embarrassment, Shan Si straightened his shoulders, glared down at Tao Hua, and ordered him to rise to his feet.
Every action from then onward was mesmerizing. Shan Si truly looked like a man capable of commanding an army; a king, better said. Tao Hua wasn't sure what it was that came over him, but mouth gaped, he couldn't quite remove his eyes off this troubled man.
Like witnessing a god.
"You are no longer the pitiful man you were back in Siyue Town, nor are you Tao Ci's son. I think it's time you got used to it," Shan Si said, pointing two fingers outward and thrusting them upward. "Now stand up."
Chapter end.