"Huh…?"
Seeing as one of his arms was held captive and incapable of moving, Tao Hua lifted his free hand halfway into the air. The long, thick sleeve slid down, bunching up around his elbow.
The chilly wind inundated his arm, prickling goosebumps along his arm and making the atmosphere all the more unpleasant. It was as if the world was telling him that within the bad was good, but good couldn't exist without bad.
Why did it have to be that way? How could someone so frigid offer him something so warm?
Unfair. Every part of this situation was unfair.
But what had ensnared Tao Hua entirely was the ache in knowing Shan Si could respond in two ways.
Furiously flapping the robe back over his freezing skin, Tao Hua brought his hand up to his cheek and brushed his trembling fingers along the wintry painted red.
Then, upon pulling them back, he examined each blushed tip, coated with a glistening sheen of short-lived sorrow.
Turns out Shan Si was right.
"I…" Tao Hua breathlessly choked, sounding utterly helpless. "No. This…what?"
Unbelievable. There was no chance this was happening, not here of all places, and in front of the one person he so avidly refused to be weak around. From his stupidly trusting naivete to his stubborn attempt at silence—all of it failed Tao Hua, making him look no better than a hypocrite.
Just how pitiful did he look? Standing in the middle of a dead forest, wailing, while the cause stood staring at him and potentially convinced Tao Hua was a madman?
Twenty years of practice, and this is all it took to destroy what little masculinity he'd carefully built? One man, a forest, and a feeling?
How pathetic, and yet he still couldn't seem to control the tears, and such was discernible in the way his features twisted woefully.
His lips pressed together, tightening enough to wrinkle his chin. In an attempt to distract himself, he took that very hand, shoved it back into the air, and just flapped that annoyingly large sleeve over his hand, as if he were a young bird learning how to fly.
It didn't distract him, but it did hide the evidence of his own tears.
At least to him.
Shan Si watched as Tao Hua whirled the sleeve around his hand and gathered it into his palms. It was such an absurd sight, and he wasn't sure what to make of it. However, that would soon pass. Amid Shan Si's shock, Tao Hua somehow ripped his hand from his grasp and turned away, heading straight into the forest they'd just emerged from.
Back in the direction of Siyue Town.
Even though his home was no longer hospitable, and the likelihood that Tao Hua was going to be placed under house arrest indefinitely, it was somehow better than fighting the feelings that agonized him with confusion, crowding his chest with feelings he couldn't understand.
Those feelings…well, they varied widely. It was hope in each kind action offered to him, but collapsed when the script was flipped at the very last minute.
Perhaps there was a lifetime where Tao Hua wasn't such a sorry case of a human, and actually lovable. But the truth was that lovable was entirely manufactured and decided by what a person could offer.
And when that person couldn't offer anything but kindness? The world wasn't ready to look in the mirror just yet.
Snapping out of his frenzy, Shan Si's eyes sharpened, and he rushed toward Tao Hua, roughly grabbing his arm and causing him to almost fall on his ass; the black and gold outer robe mixing with the blue, fluttering ahead as Tao Hua fell back into this man's chest.
It was a position that had saved him from imprinting in the snow once more, but went unappreciated.
"Where are you going?!" Shan Si demanded, angrily staring down at Tao Hua, but only able to see the crown of his head. Gritting his teeth, his hands binding Tao Hua's wrists. "I have no intention of returning! You'll die if you go in there alone—are you stupid?!"
Tao Hua was in such a daze; he only muttered a few inaudible words, all sounding like apologies said in many unique forms. All pathetic and powerless.
This wasn't new, however, and it was a road he'd travel many times before. But Shan Si hadn't, and the directions were unclear. Left or right? What if neither led him where he wanted to go?
If only he had a map, then maybe he'd know. But he'd been guessing the path for most of his life; what was one more mistake?
All relationships had a timer—it was best not to engage. And yet, something grabbed his heart and twisted it upon hearing this man he'd only recently met that week. Someone he'd accused of working for a man he so heavily hated, and wrongly associated with. And yet, wanted to be around all the same.
So what if this was a ploy made by Master Tao?
It was the exact same feeling he had when watching him hide behind the scroll, or when he used Shan Si as a shield on that market street. Enhthralled by such a whimsical man, with energy more grand than anything he'd ever felt in his life.
Dangerous, terrifying desires. All possessive, and all inhumane every time he looked at this feeble, small man. The same thought he had in knowing that letting go was like watching someone balance on a tightrope with zero acrobatic skills and the coordination of a drunken man.
But, just like Tao Hua, Shan Si didn't have a word for what he was feeling or the capabilities to navigate such emotions. All he could do was calculate and hope that what he was doing was strategically correct.
Mind over heart, always. He was still wrong.
And yet, his hands moved without a second thought. They took Tao Hua's arms, using them as a crutch to form what most would call a "hug."
"Please…don't," Shan Si said, painfully. "Let's think this through."
The thought of losing something he'd just obtained—now that was hellish. All he could do was console that object the same his mother had always taught him. None of it felt natural, but that didn't mean it wasn't right.
With heavy breaths, Tao Hua rested his back against Shan Si's chest, the tears falling down his cheeks and staining them frozen. It was uncomfortable, and yet he couldn't seem to stop blabbering.
One apology, two, three. They just droned on, and all of them only made Shan Si feel worse. It pissed him off, truthfully! That this random stranger, associated with something important to him, seemingly capable of heightening his own strength, was enough to tear apart every wall built and the structures he put in place all evening to shove it aside.
The two of them stood there in that position for what felt like ages. In reality, it was only a good few minutes until Tao Hua finally spoke. Each of his words brought him back from this tizzy of a breakdown.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. Though he wanted to blame the cold, he was so bundled up by this man's questionable embrace that the cold dared not touch him. So, what excuse did he have?
Surely, like all others in his life, the lecture and abuse were soon to come.
But instead, the arms just tightened, just as Shan Si squeezed his eyes shut. That alone was enough to make Tao Hua fall further into the fit.
When was the last time he'd experienced something like this? Ten years ago?
"Stop saying that word," replied Shan Si, finally. "I'm not going to hurt you—so you need to stop trying to hurt yourself."
Despite this, Tao Hua's chest leapt, and he just blurted the word again. It was like watching someone who'd rehearsed the same lines of a play over and over, only to mess them up the moment they arrived at the audition.
"You're exhausted. Don't you think it's best you get some sleep and revisit this?" Shan Si struggled, his words seeping through his teeth like honey; as if giving up complete control and making himself vulnerable. "After, you can do whatever you want to me. Just don't do something stupid. Please."
For some reason, Shan Si couldn't wrap his head around the idea that his last statement, and it only pained him to think about it. It was exactly the same thing he felt when reading Tao Hua's book.
Why did he have to mask all his emotions behind such a brooding face?
That was his fault.
"It doesn't look good on you, Tao Hua."
But even if Tao Hua wanted to believe Shan Si, his mind immediately went to thinking he was messing up again. So, he clamped his eyes shut and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I keep messing things up--"
In that moment, he completely fell apart in his captor's hands, just as Shan Si's covered his mouth entirely. Toward the forest, the pale eyes fell, dulled and unsure what to do.
Where it was Tao Hua's first time breaking down in front of someone, this was Shan Si's first time feeling the consequences of his actions.
What exactly did he want from this weak man?
Chapter end.