In my mind's eye, I saw a series of events that had happened between 15th April, 2024 and 16th June, 2024 — summer vacation. I saw my teenage self giggling at the scenarios I had created in my head at night and denying my feelings for him that had developed overtime, during the day when the sun shone bright. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw his eyes staring into mine. I imagined him looking at me with loving eyes, brushing my hair with his hands, stealing glances at me while I giggled and laughed and blushing whenever someone teased him with my name. These imaginary incidents were too unreal to happen yet they made my heart pound like crazy while butterflies danced in my stomach. I made up a sweet scenario of talking to him while in reality I was talking to myself. I had made up my mind to talk to him after the summer vacation ended.
I felt a warm light flash across my eyes and the day changed to 21st June, 2024. I tried to force my eyes to open, but my body was paralysed. My hands shook, and my heart started pounding. In my mind's eye, I saw myself staring blankly at him as he stared, with mesmerised eyes, not at me, but my bench mate. My heart was clenching painfully in my chest. But it wasn't his fault. On talking with my bench mate, I got to know that she felt attracted towards him but she didn't know what was right and what was wrong. I saw myself fidgeting with my fingers, the pain growing more and more intense with each passing second. I tried to change the path of my train of thoughts but failed miserably. His loving eyes staring at the one he had feelings for—not me. I knew that our story couldn't be woven together but, the reality weighed heavier when experienced.
Earlier that day, I was talking to one of our mutual friends, he approached us himself and talked to us. His was as smooth as a silk cloth, it felt like music to my ears. He was not standing too close, but the proximity was enough to make my palms sweaty. He turned to me,
"Aur kaisa chal raha hai sab?" (So, how's everything going on?) He asked, his tone was warm and friendly.
I found myself stuttering yet answered him with some half real, half made up things. I can't tell him that I was making scenarios about him now, can I?
"Bas chal rahi hai zindagi," (life is just going on) I joked, as if a direct conversation with him didn't make my heart flutter. I stared into those two dark brown eyes, like my life depended upon it. Just two eyes for others, but for me, they seemed to speak a million phrases just through one sight.
We were just conversing when that friend started asking him about Asha. I was about to say something but my words got stuck at my throat when I saw him blush at the question. I was trying not to pay any mind to it but she started teasing him about Asha. Asha was my bench mate, a beautiful, sweet girl who loved talking. I thought that maybe that friend was just teasing him just because, not that he had any feelings for her before he said,
"Yaar, main pyaar karun iska matlab ye thodi hai ki woh bhi mujhe pyaar kare,"
(yaar, I love her, but it doesn't mean that she loves me back)
I felt the earth beneath me slip away as I tried to calm my screaming nerves. He hadn't lied in my case as well. I loved him, but it wasn't necessary that he loves me too. But still the words that had escaped his mouth hurt as if a million spades were launched at my chest causing my heart to spurt out blood from within which didn't have an external appearance of their own. The air molecules that entered my lungs suddenly felt like they were deprived of life and oxygen. I knew that he wouldn't ever be mine, but each word that came out of his mouth felt like knives that got stabbed into my chest and were being twisted and turned. I wanted to scream, beg and cry—but how can I beg for the morning while I was a bird that flies about, tearing through the sky at night, who vanishes when the day light calls.
In the present reality, my mind was racing with thoughts. I used to let go of all the pain and bad things as soon as possible, then why did the pain feel so familiar. Before I could comprehend anything that was happening, with a hot white flash I was pulled back to 31st August, 2022.
It was the day I started having attachment issues. I saw myself crying. A really close friend, who was like a brother to me, had texted,
"Stop disturbing me"
Those three words were enough to make my mind race. I kept thinking what went wrong? Where did I go wrong? What did I do? I didn't have many people who I trusted, yet the one I trusted had texted me three words which were as sharp as stinging and prickling blades. Our friendship had been deteriorating since that day itself.
On 6th June, 2023, I got to know to a mutual friend of ours that the person I trusted and thought of as a brother was speaking behind my back,
"I am tired of her talks. The reason I talk to her is because I feel pity on listening to her words."
And ever since that day, I haven't spoken to him. But the way he had treated me once, like a brother caring for his sister, had made me feel cared for. Since that day, I got attached to everyone easily in search of care.
Even the roses which provided the slightest bit of a comforting fragrance attracted me, but in the end, they left me pricked by their thorns.