Laying on the earlier soft, and presently hard cushion of the bed, I felt a freezing sensation wash over my body. I had no chats, no pictures and no selfies of him— all that I had which belonged to him was the withered rose, the anklet which he had once gifted me and his memories which were now engraved in the walls of my heart. Wait no... I had something else too.
I got up from the piece of furniture, my tired legs finally finding some strength as they pushed me towards the dull white coloured dressing table which stayed unused and untouched in one corner of my room— maybe because it's buyer disliked seeing her face out of insecurities and disgust. My body moved on its own, not listening a word that was muttered as an order by the brain to my body organs as they continued to do the task against the orders that were being transmitted to them through my nerves. My hands struggled to open the jammed doors of the cabinet which had its hinges rusted due to no use, but still pulled with all their strength until they opened with a loud cling and thud.
Inside it, there were novels of various authors, poetry books of many poets along with diaries and diaries of entries which were hand written by me in the course of four years. My eyes caught sight of a diary which was tucked in a corner, beside all the books. I pulled it out. It was a thick, dusty diary with a dull red coloured covering which had "Unspoken Echoes" written in a beautiful calligraphy in silver colour, adorned with intricate patterns of some graceful flowers— roses and sunflowers. Though they were painted in shades of silver colour, in my eyes, the roses seemed to have lost their bright red colour and have withered to present an unattractive shade of brown. The sunflowers, which live at the sight of the sun, seemed to be living at midnight having their heads down with their delicate petals wilted and hanging low, as if surrendering to the cruelty and injustice which life had thrown at them.
I brushed the dust off its covers and opened it, going through the pages as I searched for the first and last poem that he had ever written for me. Attached to the 16th page and nestled between page number sixteen and seventeen, there was a small, neatly folded piece of single ruled paper. It was gifted to me by the person who I am still falling for more and more with each passing day, Arth, on my 15th birthday in 2025. I carefully unfolded the piece of paper and exhaled on it to blow away the dust from it. In just an appealing, round cursive, it expressed the love he once had for me and the loving words which are being cherished till date as if they haven't changed after the minutes that the clock did not approve of passed by like a breeze brushing past us. It wrote:
"To the Girl Who Stole My Heart"
On this day, a star was born,
With sleepy eyes and a smile so warm.
The world got brighter, skies more blue,
And lucky me — that star was you.
You laugh like sunshine through the rain,
You dance through joy and even pain.
You hold my hand, you calm my storm,
In your embrace, life feels so warm.
Each day with you's a sweet surprise,
Like waking up to sunrise skies.
Your love's my peace, my spark, my song,
With you is where my heart belongs.
So here's to you, my birthday queen,
The kindest soul I've ever seen.
May cake be sweet, your dreams take flight,
And know I love you — day and night.
The irony of this poem made a dry laugh escape my lips and made my heart sting as if it was being pricked by thorns.
"That star" was me? The same person who made you cry and grieve after she left?
"Laugh like sunshine through rain"? The same person who hates her smile like it has done the most cruel things on earth?
"Dance through joy and even pain"? Why didn't you once ask if the joy was real, or if the pain hadn't really healed?
"You calm my storm"? The same person who made you feel happy after she left your life?
"In your embrace, life feels so warm"? The same person whose life has gotten deprived of all the comfort and warmth?
"With you is where my heart belongs"? If your heart belonged with me, why didn't your heart even once question the lies that were said to you?
"And know I love you — day and night."
The piece of paper which had a part of my life engraved in it, slipped from my hands and onto my lap. I allowed the tears to fall and flow down my cheeks as I ugly cried, slapping my palms against the hard floor again and again.
Did you really love me, Arth? If so, then why did your love faded in just a few hours? Why did you start hating me once the lies got fed to you without even questioning once if they were true or not? Why did you start badmouthing me behind my back not even a day after we broke up, while I still can not badmouth you after all these days? Didn't you truly know the person who you had fallen in love with? Or did you just fall in love with the way I treated you?
I collapsed boneless against the dressing table, my senses numb and limbs motionless as tears continued to flow down like two rivers which flowed and fell down my cheeks, not meeting once. I closed my eyes and in my mind's eye, I travelled back to March 1st, 2025. It was Phulera Dooj that day and we had our history exam of our school's ninth finals. After having finished with our exams, we were gossiping and conversing with each other, all casually, though my heart was pounding as though it wanted to break through my ribs. We had gotten close over time after he said that he had moved on from Asha and his one sided crush. Daily texting and conversing with him had made me feel like a piece of me was slowly entering my life again. That day, my feelings felt like they had reached the highest peaks. With songs like 'maula mere maula' echoing in my mind, I felt like I could fall even deeper into his eyes as if I hadn't already reached the deepest depth. Even after I had bid him bye and was on my way home, my mind was filled with the thoughts of his.
Like a timeless symphony, each sentence, each phrase and each word that was uttered by him persisted in my brain during that time which, in the present days, have turned into some faded memories which I am cherishing and holding onto till date.