Lying in bed and listening to Yoon Ha-min's question, I felt uneasy.
I was the one who started this conversation.
I had asked what would happen if the Wall collapsed and humanity faced extinction.
Ha-min, being the protagonist he is, predictably answered that such a thing wouldn't happen.
Though I'd considered this possibility before, I was taken aback when he said he would prevent it for my sake.
So, I told him it was fine.
I would certainly be happy if Ha-min saved me in a dangerous moment.
But I shouldn't become his goal.
Perhaps triggered by this, Ha-min asked me with a choked voice, as if he might cry at any moment.
Why was I so calm about everything?
He seemed concerned about me because of my lost limbs.
I couldn't pretend not to understand. Honestly, I could have asked about it, but I tried to avoid the subject, which allowed me to feel comfortable for a while.
Now it seemed that avoidance had reached its limit, and he demanded answers.
I thought I'd told him plenty already, so I wasn't sure what more he wanted to hear.
I kept my mouth shut, and silence lingered between us.
Ha-min frowned and then turned his head away.
His gaze toward the ceiling seemed resigned, which made me feel a twinge of guilt.
So I reluctantly spoke again.
"I don't have any of that."
The things Ha-min had mentioned.
Noble cause? A hero's mindset? Such things couldn't possibly exist.
I didn't come here wanting to become a hero.
I probably died once before and woke up here.
A second life forced upon me, in a story I had once seen.
It felt like just yesterday that I was trembling, unable to cope with my circumstances.
Suddenly finding myself in this environment, attending an academy for future heroes—how could I suddenly develop noble causes and a hero's mindset? That would be stranger.
Someone like that would have to be unusual from the start.
"...I don't have things like noble causes or a hero's mindset."
"Then why...?"
When I learned where I was, who I was, and who stood before me, I was able to set a goal.
With this sudden new life—whether it was a near-death hallucination or something else—I decided to live it.
Thinking there might not be another chance, I resolved to let go of my lingering attachments even in a place like this.
So my first goal was simply to survive.
And if I managed that, my second goal was to see Yoon Ha-min smile.
Just as I gained strength from watching and supporting him, I wanted to help him smile before he cried.
I wanted to see him overcome adversity with my encouragement.
Since coming here, my death seemed to be approaching faster, perhaps following "Kanna's" fate. But if I had to die, I wanted to prepare things so Ha-min could have the happiest possible future.
Because he was my hero.
Because he was the protagonist, I could find strength.
So what moved me wasn't anything else.
Noble causes or a hero's mindset—those weren't my concern.
"I'm not calm at all. I'm in pain too... I just didn't want to talk about it."
"...I'm sorry."
As I slightly frowned while saying this, Ha-min's eyes widened, and he immediately apologized.
He seemed at a loss for words, his gaze wandering.
I continued speaking to him.
Telling him what he most wanted to hear.
And what he least wanted to hear.
"I had to accept it. I was so scared that I wanted to die, and I thought about giving up everything, but I figured if I could keep living, this was better than nothing, so I accepted it."
I slightly raised my arm from under the blanket.
Instead of fair, soft skin, dark, cold metal reflected the light coming from outside.
It still felt strange that this lifeless, metallic arm moved according to my will.
It was comfortable in a way, since the sensory implants made it feel like I was moving my own arm.
But becoming like this wasn't a good thing.
"...I thought if cutting them off meant the Strange Ones wouldn't chase me anymore, that would be enough, but after they were cut off, I regretted it."
As I looked at my arm with a bitter expression, Ha-min quietly listened to my words.
"Isn't it strange? My only choices were to die or to cut them off, so what am I even regretting? I don't know either."
"That's—isn't it wrong that you were forced to make such a choice? When we should be researching more ways to save you..."
"When I think about the people who died because of me, it's not easy to say that."
I accepted the guilt.
It was natural that I couldn't handle it, but the vague notion that "thousands died" somehow felt easier to process.
I realized again that I could bear it precisely because of my ignorance.
Then I recalled the moment I cried when I saw the limbs attached to my body after the surgery.
The strange sensation. The feeling that I was moving my arm, but it wasn't my arm.
The despair I felt through that disconnect, wondering if I should live like this.
And yet, the relief that at least I could live somehow.
Through these cycling emotions, I learned how to give up.
Time and again, I told myself it couldn't be helped.
It couldn't be helped; there were no other options.
Only after investing two full days in myself could I barely endure.
And that's how I managed to appear calm in front of Ha-min...
I resented Ha-min.
Until just now, I was grateful that he tried to avoid this topic, but I couldn't help but be angry that he brought up memories I wanted to keep buried right before sleep.
Tears flowed from my eyes toward my ears as I lay there.
The ticklish feeling made me clench my fist and naturally wipe my face.
Not warm, but cold and hard—that was the sensation that brushed against my skin.
"I'm not calm... How could I be calm when I cut off my limbs to survive? I also, I also..."
Somehow, facing that cold sensation made the surge of emotion grow stronger, pounding in my heart.
One tear, then two leaked out, then they began flowing uncontrollably, too much to stop with my hands.
My voice became watery. I felt my nose tingle.
With no way to resolve this feeling in the moment, I could only swallow my breath.
"...Kanna."
Ha-min pulled back the blanket and sat up.
Then he looked down at me.
I avoided his golden eyes shining through the darkness.
I didn't want to show him this side of me. Originally, my goal was to pretend to be calm, to encourage and support him when he was struggling, but somehow things had turned out like this, which was bewildering.
"...Don't look."
So I told him not to look at me.
I asked him not to look, yet I was the one who turned away.
I was just embarrassed and overwhelmed to meet his eyes.
I didn't want to face those eyes that kept telling me to lean on him.
I was already leaning on him, so I couldn't understand how much more he wanted me to depend on him.
Lean on him completely, emotionally? But I wasn't confident I could handle that all the way through.
If things continued like this, I would probably die like "Kanna," a sacrificial lamb signifying humanity's gradual destruction. I worried that if I took a place in Ha-min's heart and then died, it would hurt him.
So I pressed my trembling lips together and exhaled deeply through my nose.
Ha-min, ignoring my request, remained still for a moment before speaking.
"Kanna. Tell me when it's hard. Next time, I'll definitely..."
His words trailed off.
He seemed to realize that saying "I won't let this happen again" was pointless since there was nothing left to lose.
I know too—that we can't turn back time, and that there might not be a "next time" for me.
But Ha-min, wanting to say something, swallowed and continued.
"Next time, I'll make sure you don't cry."
"..."
"I'm sorry. I've only made things worse by bringing this up."
"..."
"I'm really sorry."
Even as I maintained my silence and avoided his gaze, he steadfastly continued speaking to me despite my turned head.
And then, quietly, he apologized.
I hated that so much that I trembled.
"If you're sorry, then let's just go to sleep now."
That was all I could say.
Ha-min shouldn't be focusing so much attention on me.
The fact that I was even in this situation was the problem.
He has others around him to protect, connections to maintain.
Am I ruining everything?
Should I start pushing him away?
Should I distance myself?
With these worries in mind, I closed my eyes with my back to Ha-min.
After hearing my words, Ha-min hesitated, then answered with a soft "Mm-hmm" and carefully lay back down.
"...Thank you."
This emotion, at least, was genuine.
I couldn't be happier knowing someone cared for me.
"Yeah."
Ha-min's voice sounded somewhat pleased.
I thought that was enough.
My body felt heavy. I frowned at the sunlight coming through the window.
As if responding to the sunlight urging me to get up, I tried to raise my body, but it was too heavy.
I couldn't move at all. Neither my arms nor legs seemed to obey me.
So I gasped, "Huh, huh," my breathing becoming rapid.
My arms? My legs?
Where are they? Where, where?
Ah, aah, j-just a moment.
I desperately lifted my head to look at my body.
And, and, I took in the sight of my hideous form—just a torso with nothing else left.
No, no. I didn't want to live like this.
I never wanted to look like this.
I'm not calm at all.
Even if I lived, I didn't want to live so miserably.
"Aah, aaaah!"
No, I said no.
I screamed like that.
*
"Aaaah!!"
It happened in an instant.
Kanna suddenly screamed, sweating so much her clothes were damp.
I jumped up and reached out to the screaming Kanna.
Then, holding her, I quietly told her:
"It's okay, it's okay..."
"My arms, my legs...!"
"..."
I wanted to say they were still attached, but since only prosthetics were attached, I couldn't bring myself to say anything and just pressed my lips together.
A bitter taste filled my closed mouth.
"...It must be a nightmare."
I wished this was all just a nightmare.
Because I only wanted to see you smiling brightly.