It was because I was Kanna that I was at the bottom of the class. I realized that no matter how hard I studied, some things just wouldn't work out. My only solace was having something to blame—what was the point of doing well on written exams when I'd fail the practical tests anyway?
Though it was really just a cowardly escape, remembering how I had to cling to such excuses just to survive back then made me feel utterly miserable.
Even so, I wanted to struggle desperately, by any means necessary.
I knew I would eventually reach my limit, but I kept fighting, thinking that moment wouldn't come just yet.
But then, as if drawing a line saying "this is as far as you go," my legs were cut off so I couldn't run, my arms severed so I couldn't grasp anything. I became someone who could do nothing.
It felt like I could still run further, like I could reach that goal if I just grabbed it.
Unable to go where I wanted, unable to do what I wanted, having to rely on others for everything—I hated myself so much I couldn't bear it, and I sat up.
As I jerked upright, I saw Yoon Ha-min beside me, looking at me with sad eyes.
My gaze wavered. I took a deep breath to steady my rapid breathing, but the intensity of his stare made me uncomfortable.
After glancing at him briefly, I lowered my head.
"..."
My arms and legs were still attached, technically speaking—not completely severed to the point of uselessness.
I wondered if these metal prosthetics felt heavier because my consciousness had been temporarily shut off while sleeping.
Cold sweat drenched my entire body. I could feel it tickling as it ran down my spine.
After groaning softly, I hesitated, wondering what to say, then finally gave what I thought was an appropriate response.
"...Morning. Did you sleep well?"
Trying to act as if nothing was wrong, as if it had just been a minor nightmare despite how I'd woken up, I tucked my hair behind my ear and tried to get out of bed.
But Yoon Ha-min grabbed my arm, preventing me from leaving.
Stopped in my tracks, I turned my head slightly to look at him holding my arm.
"What?"
"No, you seemed troubled... Would you like some water?"
"Oh, um... No, I'm just going to wash up."
"Okay."
Yoon Ha-min released my hand without saying anything more.
I grabbed some clothes from my suitcase and stopped at the changing room.
Looking in the mirror, I could clearly see how exhausted I appeared.
If I continued like this, I'd obviously just worry Yoon Ha-min more.
I took off my clothes to wash my sweat-soaked body.
Without thinking, I entered the bathroom and turned on the water at the sink.
As the water gushed out, I instinctively reached out my hand, then froze.
What I had extended wasn't a hand but a prosthetic.
Ah, right. I don't have hands.
It's a prosthetic, and since I can't control my ability right now, isn't it dangerous?
Would it be okay just for a moment? Or would even a moment be too risky?
I briefly weighed my options, but ultimately decided it would be crazy to risk the life I'd barely managed to keep after losing my limbs. I sighed and had no choice but to come back out.
I retrieved the clothes I'd taken off for changing from the laundry basket and put them on hastily.
When I stepped out, I saw Yoon Ha-min standing a short distance away.
"What are you doing here? Waiting your turn?"
"No, I was just worried..."
"I'm fine. Just looking for that thing."
"What thing?"
"You know, that thing that makes it look like a hand."
I raised my hand and repeatedly half-clenched and unclenched my fist.
Yoon Ha-min let out an "Ah" and suddenly turned around.
Before I could even think about where I might have put it, he returned and held out his hand to me.
Between his fingers was something that looked like human skin—a glove.
I wasn't sure whether to call it a glove or leather, but I thought it might provide some waterproofing.
If I wore long sleeves, the mechanical parts would be covered, and the hand part would look like a human hand, so it wouldn't matter. But when wearing a half-sleeve shirt like now, wearing something like this created a sense of disconnect.
Still, what could I do? If I wanted to wash my face by myself, this was my only option.
"Why this all of a sudden?"
"I just want to wash my face a bit."
I answered as I put the glove on my hand.
Once it fit snugly, it really looked like a human hand.
I understood why they had made the prosthetic fingers slightly thinner.
"If anything's uncomfortable, let me know."
"Come on, I'm just washing my face. It's not a big deal."
I waved at the worried Yoon Ha-min and went back inside, letting my smile drop.
When left alone in a space where no one could see me, there was no reason to maintain a smile.
It was okay to have such a gloomy expression or exhausted face when I was alone, since no one would worry about it anyway.
With dragging steps, I took off my clothes again and grabbed a towel to wipe off the sweat.
I walked to the sink and looked up at the mirror.
Ivory-colored hair and purple eyes stared back at me.
What did I want?
Did I really want no one to worry about me? Was all the attention I received so unbearable?
Was that what I, who had endured in that ambiguous environment of neither indifference nor mockery, truly wanted?
No, that wasn't it.
But the signals Yoon Ha-min was sending me felt somewhat burdensome, making me groan.
"...Ah."
Was I ruining Yoon Ha-min?
That was the worry I had right before falling asleep yesterday.
If that were the case, if Yoon Ha-min became someone different from the one I knew, I wondered if I could figure out how to change this story.
This wasn't right. Maybe the correct choice would have been to stay still like the original "Kanna," just twisting the story once at the very end before dying.
I had pondered and struggled with this many times.
Was I unable to protect anything?
Not Yoon Ha-min, not those around him, not even myself.
That sadness was reflected back at me through the mirror.
That sorrowful expression, filled with despair, seemed like it would hurt others.
Of course, most people wouldn't care what expression I made, but now that there were people who would worry—like Yoon Ha-min or Orca—it was worth being careful.
"Smile..."
I forcibly pulled up my trembling lips.
But because I was forcing it, the smile didn't look good.
Behind that distorted smile, I was crying. I was also laughing.
I wanted to tell them not to worry, but I wasn't okay at all, and tears threatened to spill out.
So I turned on the cold water and washed my face.
I tried to wash away the tears burning my heart, but I couldn't stop what was burning inside me.
Again and again.
I repeatedly splashed water on my face, making sputtering sounds.
Only when my face felt numb from the cold did I stop and look in the mirror again.
Finally, I managed a more natural smile than before.
Now I had a face I could show Yoon Ha-min, which was a relief.
*
Twenty minutes after Kanna went in. She'd been washing for quite a while, and I wondered if she was taking a bath this early in the morning, but that didn't seem to be the case as she came out having only changed her top.
Of course, if she had wanted to take a bath or shower, she would have asked for my help.
While her prosthetics were waterproof, the combination of Kanna's lack of ability control and the amplification function of her prosthetics created a fatal risk of electrocution while bathing.
Since Kanna wasn't the type to eat breakfast, I had prepared something simple.
I couldn't just eat by myself, so I offered what I'd prepared to at least provide some options.
"Kanna, if you're done washing up, let's have breakfast."
"Aren't you going to wash up?"
"I'll wash after we eat."
What I offered her was pancakes with syrup.
I also placed an orange beside it for her to refresh her palate. I planned to peel it for her after the meal if she wanted it.
Kanna wiped her face once more with the towel around her neck, looked at the pancakes with slightly tired eyes, sat down, and put the towel on the chair beside her.
Sitting across from her and picking up a fork and knife, I noticed something awkward about her expression.
She seemed to be smiling, but her eyes didn't look like they were smiling at all.
"..."
The knife cut through the pancake and tapped against the plate.
The fork gently pushed the tender slice of pancake into her mouth.
Kanna chewed without saying anything.
"It's delicious."
She was like that earlier too.
After having a nightmare, her body and mind must have felt heavy, but she tried to escape by saying she was fine.
She was the same yesterday.
Not okay, but forcing herself to say she was, turning away from the sadness she faced and insisting she was fine.
But I knew.
I knew she wasn't okay.