Looking at Kanna made my heart ache.
I couldn't even muster a hollow laugh at the absurdity of someone cutting off the limbs of a student with such a bright future ahead of them.
I couldn't comprehend what emotions had led Kanna to consent to having her arms and legs amputated.
Countless feelings crossed my mind repeatedly, but through it all, my lips remained firmly sealed, unable to utter a word.
Even when eating delicious food, Kanna's expression remained neutral. After I finished showering, seeing her face as she quietly watched TV made me wonder what she was thinking.
Shaking my head, I carefully moved closer to her, and she slightly turned her head toward me.
Meeting her cautious gaze, I hesitated.
Should I even bring this up? Would I be digging into Kanna's wounds just to satisfy my curiosity or make myself feel a little more comfortable?
Surely, whatever had been said wasn't pleasant.
Was three days enough time for her to process her emotions?
It was somewhat frightening to see her so calm after losing her limbs, and I felt at a loss for what to do.
If she were suffering or crying, I would have understood and tried to comfort her, to help her stop crying and ease her pain.
But with her being so composed, I couldn't bring myself to ask. If she had already sorted through her feelings during my absence, if she had cut away and abandoned even her own emotions, I worried that my interference might only hurt her more.
"...Are you feeling a bit better?"
I was a coward.
I might be eager to step up in other situations, ready to jump in to save someone without hesitation, but in this moment, I was treading carefully, afraid of causing even the slightest wound to her heart.
"About what?"
Kanna tilted her head.
"...Just, everything."
"Ah."
No matter how indirectly I tried to phrase it, no matter how I omitted the subject, Kanna wasn't stupid. As if understanding what I wanted to say, she slightly raised her right arm.
The metallic limb, devoid of even leather that might resemble human skin, made a heavy sound.
"This? I'm fine."
If she had been even a little honest, if she had said she felt frustrated and struggling, we could have talked about it. But her bitter smile shut down any such opportunity.
She might genuinely be okay, but I worried that if she gave up on everything like this, eventually she might give up on herself too.
Hadn't she previously, after being consumed by fear, held back tears and asked to be killed?
She might think it better to handle things this way rather than involving others.
There was no need for such sacrifice anywhere, yet Kanna tried to cut herself away like this.
While I admired her for it, part of me wanted to shake my head and tell her this wasn't right.
"Really?"
I couldn't tell someone who claimed to be fine that they clearly weren't, so I let an awkward silence pass between us.
I turned my head toward the TV like Kanna. As usual, the news was playing.
I wondered why Kanna was so interested in the news, tilting my head curiously.
I thought girls usually watched dramas, but then I remembered Orca as a counterexample and abandoned that line of thinking.
The news covered various stories—a traffic accident at the Terminal, medical malpractice, and even reports of an agency mistreating heroes. The atmosphere in our living room, with two hero aspirants, seemed to grow colder.
Feeling awkward, I glanced sideways, but Kanna was watching the screen unfazed.
Either she didn't notice my gaze or she was too focused on the TV, but I couldn't look away from her eyes. Her purple irises reflecting the TV screen looked even more beautiful.
In that seemingly quiet space, Kanna's voice suddenly reached me.
"...Ha-min."
"Oh, yes?"
"What would you do if monsters broke through The Wall and killed everyone inside?"
I flinched at her voice calling my name. Then her question made my body stiffen.
I wondered if that was the kind of fear she felt, tilting my head in confusion. Then I quickly understood why she asked.
["...The Wall collapsed, but with support from several families led by the Ramiris family, it has been successfully rebuilt. While it remains unclear how monsters managed to break through The Wall, the Ramiris family has stated they will build a stronger wall to contribute to the safety and peace of all citizens."]
In the past month alone, The Wall had collapsed three times, and people and heroes had died fighting against the invaders.
After Kanna's question, silence followed, filled with the sounds of mourning from the TV. Numerous names were listed, with heroes' names poignantly inscribed at the end.
While the TV claimed "it remains unclear," conversations were surely happening within the Hero Association. They must know about Kanna's existence and how Totems help mysterious beings enter through The Wall.
Yet they kept quiet, probably to avoid causing panic.
But that wouldn't last much longer.
The Wall would collapse again, and mysterious beings and monsters would invade once more. Knowing this, Kanna was afraid.
Afraid of humanity's most terrifying moment that would eventually come.
So after thinking about her question for a moment, I spoke.
"...Would they really go that far to invade?"
"Who knows."
Kanna shrugged as if unsure. She was probably just speculating about the worst-case scenario.
Sometimes I wanted to understand Kanna but couldn't. Anyone might worry about such things, but when I saw her eyes fixed intently on something, it gave me chills. It felt like she was seeing something different from what I saw.
So I listened carefully, wondering if she sensed something this time too. But no question or answer came back.
The silence continued until bedtime approached and we moved to our beds. Even as I lay down, I kept turning over what Kanna had said.
The moment when The Wall protecting us collapses and the boundary between inside and outside disappears. When there's no protective wall anywhere, and people behind us die at the hands of mysterious beings. When heroes, our hope, are broken and crawling on the ground, and people's despair turns to screams that pierce the sky.
Even without seeing it directly, I could only imagine it as a scene from hell. Such a terrible moment was absolutely unacceptable.
I looked at Kanna, who had naturally slipped into bed beside me. She glanced at me and asked cautiously.
"...Is my arm bothering you?"
"No, no, I'm fine."
She seemed concerned about her cold prosthetic arm touching me. I shook my head in denial and gently covered her body with the blanket.
Then I prepared my answer to the question she had asked earlier.
"...Kanna."
"Yes?"
"About what you said earlier while watching TV."
"Earlier? Oh, that."
Kanna tilted her head for a moment, trying to recall what she had said, then nodded as if she remembered.
I had pondered my answer repeatedly.
Why Kanna had brought it up.
What thoughts led her to ask that question.
And what answer would put her mind at ease.
Rustling under the blanket, I turned my head slightly to look into Kanna's eyes. She also glanced at mine.
In that shared gaze, I whispered:
"...I'll make sure something like that never happens. I'll become that great of a hero. So you won't have to suffer anymore, I'll make sure of it."
"I'm fine."
"What's fine about this... when you've ended up like... like this..."
I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists.
Honestly, I wondered who I was to say such things—I was just a classmate, what did I mean by "for your sake"?
I could certainly say friends are important, but that friendship felt like it was constantly pushing me back, saying "this is as far as you go."
I felt if I could get closer, I might be able to protect her, to prevent this from happening. Not being able to do so was incredibly frustrating.
How could I shake off this suffocating feeling?
"You must be suffering the most, so why are you acting the most composed...?"
My voice carried an unintentional surge of emotion. Kanna's eyes widened at hearing it.
It was the most animated expression on her face all day.
Like driving in a wedge, I continued speaking to her as she stared at me blankly.
"I don't understand how you can be so calm when your limbs have been cut off... I don't understand how you can accept it like this. Is it for some greater cause? A hero's mindset or something like that?"
I pleaded for her to help me understand these incomprehensible feelings. It was more like pouring out my emotions.
Her calmness, rare even among other heroes, frightened me. There was a disconnect in seeing someone accept the loss of their limbs with a "this is how it had to be" attitude.
My expression involuntarily furrowed.
Kanna saw this and quietly opened her mouth, then closed it again. Seeing her closed lips without any words left me frustrated.
I resented her for not saying anything to me.