I told myself this was the end.
You've hit the bottom.
What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?
What is this giving you?
A hundred questions.
No answers.
I started to realize I was becoming cold.
Getting into things without shame.
Lying. Promising things I never meant.
For what?
I didn't even know anymore.
There was no adrenaline.
No fear.
Nothing.
And that scared me the most.
I was losing myself.
I felt ashamed.
I started thinking…
How many people had I been with?
How many touched me?
And then I realized…
I couldn't even remember them anymore.
I made a decision.
I will stop.
"Wake up."
"You have dignity."
"You can't put a price on yourself."
And yet…
I already did.
I started thinking about death.
About God.
About sin.
How sinful am I?
I was afraid.
But not of people.
Not of consequences.
I was afraid of God.
I believe in Him.
I pray.
I ask Him to help me.
But the same desires…
keep pulling me back down.
And then…
I started missing Aladin again.
Maybe he would understand me.
I searched for him on social media.
I added him.
Rejection.
That's all I got.
Aladin…
If only you knew how much I loved you.
At the coast, I started drinking.
It made everything easier.
I could forget.
Relax.
Enjoy.
Or at least… that's what I told myself.
In reality—
I was breaking.
Crying.
Drinking.
Falling apart.
But like everything…
that ended too.
I had to go home.
And I didn't want to.
Home felt worse.
How do I look them in the eyes?
How do I lie again?
In my town…
I'm the good one.
Quiet. Calm. Shy.
But that's just a mask.
I love them.
My family.
But at the same time…
I hate myself.
I betrayed them.
I betrayed everything they gave me.
I spent money they worked so hard for.
And now I say sorry…
silently.
Inside my head.
While I look at them.
"I love you."
I stayed home for a month.
I was going crazy.
I couldn't wait to leave.
And when I went back to college…
I said I would study.
Prepare for exams.
But the truth?
The only thing I was preparing for…
was going back to that life.
But it wasn't even that anymore.
It got worse.
I started drinking more.
And somehow…
I brought myself even lower.
Do I hate myself?
No one could destroy my life…
the way I did.
I thought I had hit the bottom…
but I was wrong.
---If this story made you feel something, please add it to your library. It really motivates me to keep writing.---