As I was drifting deeper and deeper into what should have been a peaceful sleep that irritatingly familiar voice knocked me right back over the edge of my consciousness.
"Wake up, Star. We need to talk."
'…What the actual fuck?'
I looked up groggily and found RNGesus standing there in his full, absurd glory with that screen instead of a head rolling multiple symbols continuously like a slot machine running on repeat.
[Image Here]
Was I hallucinating? Was this a side effect of the alien blood seeping into my pores?
Surprised by seeing the divine entity again so soon, I couldn't help but say, "Is this going to be a regular thing now? Because I'm really tired and I'd like to sleep for at least eight hours straight without divine intervention."
But seeing absolutely no quips and noticing the sudden, dead-serious demeanor of RNGesus I calmed down a bit because this clearly wasn't a social call.
"John, I'm sorry to say this, but I've made a terrible mistake."
My heart rate instantly spiked.
I immediately got nervous at those words and thought, 'What? Was I not supposed to transmigrate here in the first place? Or did he finally hear me cursing him out during the gacha rolls and now he's pissed?'
I quickly stuttered, desperately trying to save my own ass, "Hey Lord RNGesus, if this was about me saying something harsh during the rolls, please know it was just a very stressful situation and I didn't mean most of it! Plus I even praised you multiple times and..."
But he stopped me mid-ramble with a simple, tired raise of his hand.
"Kid, I completely overlooked a group of ROBs trying to alter the outcomes of the betting pool by tweaking your curse loadout."
"What?" I said dumbly. "Why the hell would they even need to mess with me? I'm just a no-name transmigrator."
"Yeah, it turned into a massive scandal when it finally came out," RNGesus sighed, his screen flickering with static that looked a hell of a lot like anger. "A few universes got completely destroyed just to detain those cheating ROB bastards," RNGesus said while his screen flickered with three consecutive skulls and bones. You see, they tweaked your Mortal Enemy curse to specifically be Omni-Man. A guy who is clearly a Mythical-level being at minimum, thus artificially pushing the odds heavily against you surviving past the first month."
He paused, letting the sheer weight of that statement hang in the void.
'… Are you fucking kidding me?'
My ribs were currently cracked in half. I had almost been turned into a red smear on the pavement by a mustached alien fascist, and it was all because of a clerical error by a bunch of cheating cosmic bookies?!
He paused to let the gravity of it all fall on me.
"Anyway," RNGesus continued, waving his hand dismissively, "We've all decided to properly compensate you for the unfair tweak to your challenge. Since we can't change the curse target without derailing the whole bet, here's a Platinum Random Gacha Ticket as an apology."
I just stared at the glowing ticket manifesting in his hand.
A Platinum ticket? These bastards were just going to sideline my trauma of nearly dying from Omni-Man with just a measly Platinum ticket?
"No, listen here, mister." I snarled, my anger completely overriding my fear of the divine as I forced myself to stand up straighter despite my exhaustion. "I am a gambler through and through and I take this shit very seriously. Out of all the trades and professions in the entire world, gambling is the most noble profession because it's the fairest of them all. It doesn't see your caste or creed or race or social standings when you sit down at the table! You think I, a man who lived and died on pure chance alone, will tolerate your so-called gods rigging the game against me and then trying to buy me off with..."
Right in the middle of my angry, self-righteous monologue, RNGesus suddenly produced another Platinum Random Gacha Ticket out of thin air.
My tongue immediately went slack.
I dropped to my knees instantly, throwing my dignity completely out the window, and said in the most sincere, boot-licking voice I could manage, "I always believed in your fair judgment and just rulings, oh great and merciful First Gambler!"
RNGesus nearly had a whiplash as three 777s rolled across his screen face as he let out a chuckle that quickly devolved into full-on manic cackling.
"HAHAHAHA! Thanks, kid, I really needed that laugh after that dumpster fire of an incident." he wheezed, slapping his knee. "I was seriously pissed at those unfair cheating cucks, not to mention it completely ruined my date with Lady Luck earlier."
Speaking of Lady Luck, my brain suddenly connected two dots that I really, really wished it hadn't.
"Wait." I asked, looking up at him, "Does that mean all of the bad luck throughout this new life was because of these shitface ROBs cursing me with bad luck from the very beginning?"
Only for RNGesus, who had just begun to calm down from his laughing fit, stared at me for a second before he started wheezing all over again
"Sorry to break it to you kid, but that rotten luck is all you! One hundred percent pure naturale' baby!"
'Fuck me sideways and laugh while I'm getting fucked I guess.'
I thought bitterly as I took the ticket from his outstretched hand and immediately tore the Platinum ticket first in a somewhat downcast mood since I'd already had a pretty bad experience with the gacha.
The familiar twenty-sided die materialized in front of me, tumbling rapidly through the air. This immediately piqued RNGesus's interest as he leaned forward.
"Ohhh, you got the Gambler trait already? Man, I seriously need to catch up on all the episodes I missed."
Ignoring him casually treating my entire life as a Netflix binge-watch for his viewing pleasure, I focused entirely on the multi-colored die as it tumbled through the air and finally landed on twelve.
D20 Roll: 12 (Nothing happens)
I let out a massive sigh of relief at getting the safest possible result.
RNGesus just burst out laughing again, "Haha! in front of the literal embodiment of gambling and chance itself you got the safest and most boring option without even getting a downgrade! Kid, your luck is really uniquely terrible in the most fascinating way. I may even gift you to Lady Luck as a specimen for her to study!"
I just tuned out the god's commentary, my eyes glued to the gacha wheel as my Platinum-tier roll finally came to a complete, agonizing halt.
'Please be useful, please be useful,' I chanted repeatedly in my head like a prayer.
[Limit Break]
|Epic Ability|
"Time to go all out" Upon activating Limit Break, for 4 minutes and 11 seconds all parameters and energy regeneration are increased, in addition, your ability Slots are removed, allowing you to use all Abilities at once. This ability places immense strain on your body and can kill you. 7 Day cooldown.
"HELL YEAH!" I roared out loud and high-fived the completely stunned god before doing violent air guitar motions as he just stuttered in confusion.
"Wh... why are you celebrating so hard?" RNGesus asked, his screen displaying a giant question mark. "This is honestly a pretty average roll for Platinum tier! You could have easily gotten a Legendary-tier Pull! Plus, this specific skill can very easily kill you if you're not careful about how you use it!"
I stopped my air guitar solo and turned to face him with the most serious expression I could manage
"With the last Diamond roll I got being just a fucking head pat trait, I'll take this ability any second of any day without hesitation. Not to mention that four minutes and eleven seconds is exactly the same duration as Hakari's Domain Expansion from Jujutsu Kaisen, and he's literally one of my idols! Always bet on Hakari!"
RNGesus suddenly came up to me as I was pumping my fist victoriously in the air and pulled me into a tight hug as I felt what looked like pixelated tears precipitating from his screen face.
With the euphoric high of rolling a Hakari-level ability still buzzing violently in my veins, I didn't even hesitate. I immediately ripped the second Platinum ticket. The twenty-sided rainbow die popped into existence again, tumbling through the air.
"Come on, baby, give me another banger!" I cheered.
The die clattered. It bounced. It spun. And it landed on a 5.
D20 Roll: 5 (Ticket rank down: Platinum → Gold)
My stomach dropped straight into my colon.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I screamed, my voice cracking so hard I sounded like a prepubescent choir boy. "It was Platinum! It was right there!" I watched in pure horror as my beautiful, pristine Platinum ticket literally fractured and violently downgraded itself into a measly Gold ticket.
RNGesus threw his head back and burst into applause, his screen flashing bright neon jackpot colors. "Yes! Yes! That's the stuff!" he hollered, clapping his hands like he was sitting front-row at a stadium. "That right there? That's the true essence of the gamble, Johnny boy! The agonizing, ball-crushing sting of the downgrade! Welcome to the big leagues!"
I wanted to strangle him, but I was entirely helpless as the now-Gold ticket spun in the gacha interface and finally clicked into place.
[Draw of Fate]
|Rare Trait|
Your fate is strong, things are not moderate for you, destiny curves in your direction like a main protagonist. You have plenty of luck, bad and good.
I just stared at the holographic text. "What the hell is this?" I muttered.
"More of my own luck? My luck already got me jumped by a fascist alien. Why would I want more of it?!"
Was the universe seriously doubling down on my already bipolar luck?
RNGesus leaned over my shoulder to read the screen. For a split second, he was entirely silent.
And then, he lost his goddamn mind.
He dropped straight to the floor, slapping his hand against the metaphysical ground in a fit of hysterical, wheezing laughter. "HAHAHAHA! Oh my god... I can't... I can't breathe!"
"Hey, asshole!" I snapped, my face burning with a mix of embarrassment and genuine fear. "I'm out here fighting for my actual life, and you're laughing like this is a goddamn sitcom!"
"Are you kidding me?!" RNGesus gasped for air, wiping pixelated tears from his screen. "It's absolute cinema! You already have the worst, most organically dogshit luck in that universe, and now you just rolled a trait that forces the universe to treat you like a shōnen protagonist! The sheer, unadulterated chaos... the ROBs are gonna completely lose their shit watching this!"
He wheezed again, pulling himself up from the floor to pull me into a tight, incredibly awkward hug.
"Oh my, such misfortune. Such poverty of luck. Truly, Mistress Luck can be cruel to her chosen specimens," he said in a voice that was thick with emotion. He patted my back awkwardly. "Don't worry, kid, I'm rooting for you to succeed in this crazy challenge. You've got heart."
'Was the actual God of Gamblers taking pity on me?'
That was my final coherent thought as everything suddenly went black around me and I heard him call out from very far away, his voice fading into the distance.
"See you soon, kid! Stay strong out there! I'll try my best to catch up with all the episodes I missed!"
And finally, my consciousness completely faded away into the darkness as exhaustion claimed me once again.
[A/N]: Drop them Stones if you want RNGesus to visit your dreams!
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