The walk back to my room felt longer than usual, maybe because my mind refused to stay quiet.
Stephen's words kept replaying over and over again no matter how much I tried distracting myself from them.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I know what I did was inexcusable.
The worst part was that he sounded sincere.
Not manipulative, not defensive.
Just honest.
And somehow that affected me more than anger would've.
By the time I reached my room, my chest already felt heavy in a way I couldn't properly explain. I tossed my bag onto the chair near my desk before sitting slowly on the edge of my bed, staring at the floor for a few seconds.
Everything suddenly felt emotionally loud.
I hated that.
Because after everything Stephen put me through, I wanted to feel completely done with him. I wanted to feel healed enough to look at him without my heart reacting at all.
Instead, one conversation managed to drag old emotions back to the surface like they had been waiting for permission to return.
I leaned back against my headboard and exhaled slowly, rubbing my fingers against my forehead.
Maybe closure was overrated.
Maybe some people never really left you properly.
My phone buzzed beside me, snapping me out of my thoughts.
Jay.
A soft warmth immediately touched my chest before guilt followed right after it.
How unfair was it that one person made me feel safe while another still had the power to emotionally ruin my entire evening?
I picked up my phone anyway.
Did you survive your stressful situation
A small smile pulled at my lips despite everything.
Barely.
His reply came almost instantly.
That bad?
I stared at the message for a second before typing slowly.
Emotionally exhausting bad.
There was a short pause.
Then another message appeared.
Do you want to talk about it?
My fingers hovered over the screen.
Normally I would've said yes.
Normally talking to Jay felt easy.
But tonight felt complicated in a way I didn't even fully understand myself yet.
Because how exactly was I supposed to explain that seeing the person who broke me apologize properly still affected me?
How was I supposed to admit that part of me still cared?
I swallowed lightly before replying.
Maybe later. My brain feels overloaded right now.
His response came softer this time.
Okay pretty girl. Don't force yourself to carry everything alone though.
My chest tightened gently at that.
Jay always spoke to me carefully, like my feelings actually mattered to him.
It felt unfamiliar sometimes.
I locked my phone slowly before placing it beside me again.
The room suddenly felt too quiet.
I laid back fully against my bed and stared at the ceiling while my thoughts kept moving in circles.
Stephen looked tired today.
Not physically alone.
Emotionally tired.
Like guilt had been sitting on his chest for longer than I realized.
And stupidly enough, part of me hated seeing him like that.
Another part hated myself for caring at all.
I turned onto my side with a frustrated sigh, pulling my pillow closer against myself.
This was exactly why I didn't want to see him again.
Because no matter how badly someone hurts you, emotions rarely disappear in clean simple ways.
Sometimes they stayed underneath everything quietly.
Waiting.
And the second you saw the person again, they came back all at once.
I closed my eyes tightly.
Bad idea.
Immediately memories started creeping back in.
Stephen laughing while pulling me closer against him.
Stephen texting me at two in the morning because he "couldn't sleep without hearing my voice."
Stephen kissing my forehead absentmindedly while scrolling through his phone like affection came naturally to him back then.
My chest tightened painfully.
Because the memories were never completely bad.
That was the problem.
If he had been terrible all the time, moving on would've been easier.
But Stephen loved me in pieces.
Inconsistently.
Carelessly.
Enough to make me stay.
Not enough to protect me from the damage.
I sat up quickly before my thoughts spiraled worse.
"Nope," I muttered under my breath.
I needed distraction.
Immediately.
I stood from my bed and walked toward my small mirror, adjusting my braids unnecessarily again while trying to force my brain somewhere else.
Maybe I should shower.
Maybe I should watch something.
Maybe I should sleep early.
Anything except think.
My phone buzzed again.
Jay.
I picked it up slower this time.
You disappeared again. Should I be concerned?
I smiled faintly despite myself.
Maybe a little.
His typing bubble appeared immediately.
Do I need to fight someone?
That made me laugh softly for real.
The sound surprised me slightly.
No violence please.
For you? I'll try to behave.
I shook my head smiling before typing again.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
Anything for my favorite girl.
The smile on my face softened slowly after reading that.
Jay liked me gently.
Openly.
Without confusion.
Without making me question my worth every five business days.
So why did my chest still ache over Stephen?
The guilt settled heavier in my stomach this time.
Because no matter how much I enjoyed Jay's presence, I couldn't ignore the truth anymore.
A part of me still belonged to someone else emotionally.
And maybe that made me a bad person.
I dropped my phone onto my bed again before sitting down beside it slowly.
My thoughts felt messy now.
Too messy, I couldn't control them.
The more I tried calming myself down, the louder my brain became.
Stephen's voice replayed again.
You weren't disposable.
I laughed bitterly under my breath.
Then why did he make me feel exactly like that?
Why did loving him leave me feeling small for so long?
My chest started tightening again.
This time worse.
I pressed my palm lightly against it, inhaling slowly.
"Relax," I whispered to myself.
But my body didn't listen.
Because suddenly memories started rushing back harder.
Not the soft ones anymore.
The painful ones.
Stephen ignoring me for days after arguments.
Stephen making me feel dramatic whenever I expressed hurt.
Stephen apologizing with just enough sweetness to keep me emotionally attached before hurting me again afterward.
Him getting embarrassed of me in front of his friends.
The humiliation.
The crying.
The constant feeling that I needed to become easier to love so he wouldn't leave.
My breathing became uneven.
I stood up too quickly from the bed, immediately feeling dizzy.
"Oh my God."
The room suddenly felt too small.
Too warm.
My heart started beating rapidly against my chest so hard it almost scared me.
I grabbed the edge of my desk immediately, trying to steady myself.
Breathe.
I needed to breathe.
But it felt like my lungs suddenly forgot how.
My fingers clutched tightly against my chest while panic spread through my body so fast it made my hands shake.
No.
No no no.
Not now.
I inhaled sharply again, but the breath still felt incomplete somehow.
Like air wasn't reaching properly.
My chest hurt.
My head felt light.
And suddenly I couldn't think clearly anymore.
I reached for my phone quickly with trembling fingers.
Ella.
No.
I stopped immediately.
Ella had already been through too much lately.
Jay.
Another pause.
My stomach twisted painfully.
No.
Not Jay either.
Not like this.
Not while my thoughts were still full of someone else.
Tears burned suddenly behind my eyes as panic tightened harder around my chest.
I needed someone.
I needed comfort.
I needed safety.
And before I could stop it, one thought crashed through my mind so loudly it almost broke me completely.
I needed my dad.
The realization hit so hard my knees nearly gave out beneath me.
Because no matter how old I got, no matter how much I tried acting okay, there were still moments where all I wanted was my father holding me and telling me everything would be fine again.
My breathing turned shaky.
I pressed my hand harder against my chest desperately, trying to calm my racing heart, but it felt impossible now.
The room blurred slightly through my tears.
And suddenly the loneliness hit me all at once.
Not relationship loneliness.
Not heartbreak loneliness.
Something deeper.
The kind that sat underneath every version of pain.
I lowered myself slowly onto the floor beside my bed, curling slightly into myself while trying to breathe properly again.
My chest ached painfully.
Tears slipped down my face quietly before I even realized I was crying.
Everything felt too heavy.
Stephen.
The memories.
The apology.
The guilt.
The confusion.
All of it crashed into me at once until my body couldn't handle it anymore.
I buried my face into my arms shakily, trying to steady my breathing.
But the truth stayed there anyway.
Some wounds didn't disappear just because someone finally apologized for causing them.
Even as much as I hated to admit it, I needed my dad. Tears rushed down my cheeks as I dialed his number, it rang for a while and then, with tears in my eyes-
"Dad"