I spent almost the entire afternoon trying to convince myself that meeting Stephen wasn't a big deal.
Unfortunately, my body clearly disagreed.
I changed my outfit three different times before finally settling on a grey fitted top and black jeans, mostly because everything else suddenly felt wrong the second I put it on.
Too dressed up meant I cared too much.
Too casual meant I looked unserious.
And somehow my brain managed to turn seeing one person into the most emotionally exhausting decision ever.
I stood in front of my mirror for a moment fixing the ends of my braids unnecessarily while staring at my reflection.
"You're being dramatic," I muttered to myself.
The annoying part was that I couldn't even tell if I believed it.
My phone buzzed against my bed.
Jay.
A small smile almost appeared before I remembered where I was going.
Almost.
You disappeared. Are you alive?
I picked up my phone slowly before replying.
Unfortunately yes.
A few seconds later, he replied.
That doesn't sound convincing.
I stared at the screen for a moment before typing again.
Just stressed. Long day.
His typing bubble appeared almost immediately.
Do you want me to come see you later?
My chest tightened softly at that.
Jay always made things feel easy without even trying, and maybe that was part of the problem. Being around him felt safe enough that sometimes I forgot my life wasn't actually simple.
I exhaled quietly before replying.
I'll be okay. I just need to handle something first.
There was a short pause before another message came in.
Okay pretty girl. Don't stress yourself too much.
I smiled a little despite myself before locking my phone and tossing it gently onto the bed.
Then almost immediately, my stomach twisted again.
God.
Why was I nervous?
It was Stephen.
The same Stephen I spent months trying to emotionally recover from.
The same Stephen I claimed I hated.
So why did this feel so heavy?
I grabbed my bag quickly before I could overthink myself into cancelling and left my room.
The weather outside had cooled slightly compared to earlier, and the campus looked calmer now that most lectures were over.
Small groups of students still moved around here and there, but the loud energy from earlier had faded into something quieter.
My steps slowed slightly the closer I got to the meeting point.
A stupid part of me hoped he wouldn't show up anymore.
Another part already knew he would.
Stephen was many things, but when he wanted something, he rarely backed away from it.
I spotted him almost immediately.
He was standing near one of the benches close to the faculty building, hands tucked into the pockets of his hoodie while looking down at his phone.
For a second, I stopped walking completely.
And suddenly every emotion I thought I buried properly came rushing back so fast it almost irritated me.
Because somehow he still looked familiar in the worst possible way.
Same posture.
Same calm expression.
Same presence that used to pull me in before I learned how badly he could hurt me.
Then he looked up.
Our eyes met instantly.
Something shifted in his expression the second he saw me, something between relief and disbelief, like part of him genuinely thought I wouldn't come.
I forced myself to keep walking.
The closer I got, the more details I noticed.
He looked tired.
Not fake tired either.
Real tired.
The kind that sat underneath someone's eyes and changed the way they carried themselves.
For a moment neither of us spoke.
The silence stretched awkwardly between us until he finally broke it first.
"You came."
I folded my arms lightly. "You sounded very determined."
A small breath left him, almost like a nervous laugh.
"Yeah," he admitted quietly. "I was."
I stayed standing instead of sitting beside him.
That seemed to register immediately because his expression shifted slightly before he nodded to himself like he understood.
"You look good," he said after a moment.
I almost rolled my eyes instantly.
"Please don't start."
"I'm serious."
"And I genuinely don't care."
The words came out sharper than I intended, but I didn't take them back.
His jaw tightened slightly before he looked away for a second.
"I deserve that."
I hated how calm he sounded.
Part of me wanted him defensive.
Wanted him angry.
Wanted him to make this easier.
Instead he just looked guilty, and somehow that felt more complicated.
"You said you wanted to talk," I said finally. "So talk."
Stephen rubbed a hand slowly across the back of his neck before looking at me again.
"I know apologizing doesn't fix anything."
"You're right," I replied immediately.
He nodded once like he expected the interruption.
"I know I hurt you badly, Anna."
My chest tightened slightly hearing my name in his voice again.
"I was selfish," he continued quietly. "And immature. And I handled everything between us horribly."
I looked away briefly toward the students walking past in the distance because maintaining eye contact suddenly felt exhausting.
"You handled everything like I was disposable," I corrected softly.
That one landed.
I saw it immediately in his face.
His expression fell slightly before he looked down.
"You weren't disposable."
I laughed quietly under my breath, but there was no humor in it.
"Stephen, you don't get to tell me what I was after making me feel exactly like that."
His silence stretched long enough to confirm I was right.
The air between us suddenly felt heavier.
"I hated myself for a long time because of you," I admitted before I could stop myself.
His eyes lifted back to mine instantly.
"And the worst part is that you probably didn't even realize how badly you affected me while you were doing it."
"Anna—"
"No," I cut in quickly. "You don't get to interrupt this part."
He closed his mouth immediately.
Good.
Because for once, I needed him to listen properly.
"You knew exactly how attached I was to you," I continued, my voice quieter now but somehow more emotional because of it. "You knew how much power you had over me and you still kept hurting me anyway."
I could feel my chest tightening the longer I spoke, but now that the words started coming out, I couldn't stop them anymore.
"You'd apologize, then do something worse after. You kept making me feel like loving you properly was something embarrassing."
His face shifted painfully at that.
And honestly?
Good.
He deserved to hear it.
"I wasn't perfect either," I admitted after a second. "But at least I loved you honestly."
Stephen looked down again, his hands tightening slightly where they rested.
"I know," he said quietly.
The softness in his voice irritated me immediately.
Because where was all this emotional maturity before everything got ruined?
"You know what the crazy part is?" I asked suddenly.
His eyes lifted again.
"I actually believed every version of your apology while we were together."
That seemed to hit him harder than everything else I said.
For the first time since I arrived, he genuinely looked ashamed.
"I'm sorry," he said again, quieter now.
I exhaled sharply through my nose.
"Sorry wasn't enough back then either."
Neither of us spoke for a few seconds after that.
The evening air suddenly felt colder against my skin.
Students kept walking around us normally while my entire chest felt emotionally exhausted.
Stephen looked at me carefully before finally speaking again.
"Are you happy now?"
The question caught me slightly off guard.
I frowned. "What?"
"With him," he clarified softly.
Jay.
Of course he knew about Jay.
I should've expected that.
I folded my arms tighter instinctively.
"That's none of your business."
Something unreadable passed across his face for a second before he nodded slowly.
"You're right."
I stared at him quietly.
And for the first time since sitting down with him, I realized something uncomfortable.
I wasn't angry the way I expected to be.
I was hurt.
Still hurt.
And somehow that felt worse.
Stephen looked at me quietly for a moment, like he was debating whether to say something else.
Then finally, he spoke.
"I'm sorry I hurt you," he said softly. "And I know what I did was inexcusable."
I stayed still, saying nothing.
His eyes dropped briefly before he continued.
"I was so focused on people seeing me as someone untouchable… feared even, that I didn't care how any of it made you feel while it was happening."
Something about the honesty in his voice made my chest tighten painfully.
Because for so long, all I wanted was for him to finally understand what he did to me properly.
And now that he did, I hated that part of me still cared.
I looked away from him quickly, frustrated with myself almost immediately.
Because against all common sense, against all the damage, I could already feel my heart softening slightly.
My stupid vulnerable heart.