SF Chapter 39: Go East on Sunset III
Evelyn ended up talking with her son, Daniel, for a while and then left. With the house finally free, he took the rare opportunity to actually read - especially since Penny had thoroughly taken care of him the night before.
Late in the afternoon, the door opened and Alan walked in holding an empty leash.
"Come on, boy. Heel. Stay. Now, stay. Who's a good dog? Oh, yeah!" he played along with his invisible dog. "Hey, Jake, you wanna take him?"
"Whatever. Come on, leash," his son muttered moodily as he headed toward his room.
"Get ready for bed. I'll be right in to tuck you in," his dad yelled, even though Jake was already gone.
Charlie sat down next to his brother. "Happiest place on Earth, my Snow White ass," he snorted.
"Huh, bad trip?" Daniel raised an eyebrow.
"I had a good time," Alan nodded.
"Oh, really? Which part did you like best?" Charlie made an annoyed face. "The equatorial heat, the endless lines, or the large German woman who threw up on me in the Teacups?"
"Ugh…"
"Maybe things could've gone smoother," Alan answered, "but tomorrow's gonna make up for it."
"Alan, you could get us all laid tomorrow and it still wouldn't make up for it," his brother scoffed.
"Don't worry, bro, let's go to that bar," Daniel got up, giving him an excited nudge. "Because today is gonna be legen-" he paused, "-wait for it-" then finished, "-dary. Legendary!"
Spending the entire afternoon reading left Daniel fully energized for the night.
Charlie deadpanned as he also stood up. "I'm gonna take a nap."
"Oh, come on, Charlie. I'll be the wingman! You'll only come back accompanied by a hot lady!" Daniel tried to hype his brother up.
"Maybe another time," Charlie replied, looking even more exhausted by his brother's enthusiasm.
"I'll go check on Jake," Alan remarked, bailing as well - not that his brother had much hope in him anyway.
Daniel ended up sitting back down and returning to his book, his excitement deflated.
A short while later, Alan reappeared with Jake. They were already ready to leave.
"Where are you going?" Daniel frowned, since they had just arrived.
"Uh, Jake's running a little fever and probably has an ear infection," Alan sighed. "He wants to go back to his mom's…"
After they left, Charlie showed up again, holding a cage. Probably Jake had forgotten his pet in Charlie's room.
"Oh, this is bad. Porky is dead," he announced, giving the cage a shake just to make sure.
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After a while, it was Alan's turn to come back, looking moody.
"How's Jake?" Charlie asked, since Daniel had told him where the two of them had gone.
"He'll be okay. I stayed over at the house for a little while," his brother replied with a sigh. "But Judith suggested that I should go."
"Suggested?"
"She started my car…"
Daniel turned to him. "Wow, that's rough."
"Listen, I'm afraid I've got some more bad news for you," Charlie said, pointing at the cage on the table.
"No, gosh, I forgot to bring Porky back."
"See, that's the thing. Nothing's bringing Porky back."
"What? Porky's dead?" Alan's eyes widened.
"Buh-dee, buh-dee, buh-dee, that's all folks!"
"Oh, God." He slumped onto the couch, lamenting, and stayed that way for a while.
Charlie tried to console him. "It's okay. We can get Jake another guinea pig."
"Jake will be fine. This is his fourth Porky in three years. He goes through them faster than shoes." Alan confessed, "no, this is about my life. Everything is going to hell."
"Bro, your problem is that you're sad," Daniel chimed in. "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story!"
His brother snapped at him. "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?"
"Yeah, nothing like getting laid and getting drunk to resolve it."
Charlie agreed. "See? Listen to your younger brother. That would work for me." He pushed it further. "Come on, Alan, why don't we toss Porky in the ocean and go get bombed?"
"How could you?" Alan looked at the two of them. "How could you?"
But finally said, "Okay."
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At the bar, Alan was scoffing at his brother. "Toss him in the ocean. Very clever."
Charlie just shrugged. "Who knew pelicans eat guinea pigs?"
"What's happening?" Alan asked, looking around at everyone cheering.
"Saturday's Tequila Night at Pavlov's," Daniel explained, already grabbing a shot. "Every time the bell rings, you gotta take a shot."
[Alan, Charlie and Daniel commentary]
"When was the first time I went to a bar?" Charlie repeated the question. "I was twelve, but I got kicked out. When I was fifteen, that was the first time I could actually enjoy it without being thrown out."
Daniel was next. "Mine was last year, when I was sixteen. But I had a fake ID way before that."
Alan looked at the two of them reproachfully. "I only went when I was twenty-one, as the law allows," he said with a self-righteous tone.
"He was adopted," Daniel stared ahead, and Charlie nodded.
[Commentary ends]
"Come on, bro, stop looking at me and drink," Daniel urged his brother.
Alan eventually did. "Charlie, Daniel, when my son looked at me and told me that he wanted to go 'home'… that broke my heart," he said a little tipsy.
"You know, I'm a failure, brothers. I'm a failure as a father. I'm a failure as a husband."
"Alan," Daniel spoke more seriously this time, "Jake loves you. We're just his cool uncles." He pointed at himself and then at Charlie.
"I think Uncle Donnie is cooler than Dad. But Dad is the one I love the most."
And he went on, "our family has plenty of examples of bad parenting. You're actually near the top when it comes to trying to do the right thing. Gosh, even Judith, for all her personal faults, is trying to be an okay mother."
Charlie added, "Second of all, just because your wife decides she likes to get laid with chicks doesn't mean you've failed as a husband." He muttered, "Although, I wouldn't brag about it."
"Now, let's play my favorite game," Daniel spoke as he stood up, nudging the busty older blonde sitting next to him.
"Haaaave you met Charlie?" he asked as soon as she turned around.
"Charlie," his brother greeted with a characteristic smirk.
"Hello. Name's Nora. But I don't do Charlies. I married a Charles once and that didn't work out," she remarked, half‑joking.
"Don't tell me he turned gay?" Daniel raised an eyebrow.
"Worse. He turned into a woman with more boobs than me," she replied, unfazed.
"Huh," Daniel glanced at her chest and then back at her, repeating it twice without any shame. "Did he turn into a balloon?" making her chuckle.
But he tried again, "Haaaave you met Alan?" He gestured toward his other brother. "His ex‑wife turned gay too."
Charlie sighed, but ended up helping, pushing Alan forward to talk to her.
The two of them left Alan alone with Nora.
[Raj commentary]
"I was sleeping when Daniel called me," Raj Koothrappali commented, sitting on the couch in his apartment.
"He was really drunk and said, 'Sorry, Raj, I meant to call Ranjit Singh, our trusted taxi driver, and one of your billion brothers.'"
"I thought it was a little racist, but then he said he'll be my wingman next time. So it's all good." Raj smiled.
[Commentary ends]
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Nora Bing (Chandler's mother in Friends) — she also appeared in Two and a Half Men.
Ranjit Singh (He is the taxi driver from How I Met Your Mother)
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