SF Chapter 36: The Luminous Fish Effects II
Leonard kept staring at his roommate, but gave up on saying anything else. "Well, good luck with fixing your eggs."
"I'm not just fixing my eggs, I'm fixing everyone's eggs," Sheldon corrected him.
Leonard saluted. "And we all thank you for that." Then he left for work.
The physicist took his plate, sat in his usual spot, and placed his notebook beside the couch.
"So?" Daniel inquired, watching as he tried his 'experiment'.
"I think I need to use new eggs," Sheldon stated, setting the plate aside and jotting it down.
Someone knocked at the door. Moments later, Penny's head popped in as she said, "Hi, Dani, I'm running out to the market."
Seeing Sheldon, she offered, "Do you guys need anything?"
"Oh. This would be one of those circumstances people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence," Sheldon remarked.
Penny tilted her head. "I'm sorry?"
"I need eggs," he said. "Four dozen should suffice."
"Four dozen??"
And he listed, "Evenly distributed among brown, white, free-range, large, extra-large, and jumbo."
"Okay, one more time?"
"Never mind," Sheldon dismissed, already getting up and heading out. "You won't get it right. I'd better come with you."
"Oh, yay," Penny muttered with fake enthusiasm.
She grabbed Daniel's arm, who had also stood up and moved closer to her. "You're coming too."
"Fine!" Daniel agreed, whispering in her ear, "Just because you were a good girl last night."
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Daniel was driving his Porsche 911 Turbo, with Penny sitting beside him while Sheldon was cramped in the back seat.
"How come you didn't go in to work today?" Penny asked, turning around.
"I'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds," Sheldon commented, continuing with his usual prepotence.
"He got canned," Daniel explained.
"Theoretical physicists do not get canned," he retorted. "But, yeah…"
Penny tried to console him. "Maybe it's for the best. You know, I always say, 'When one door closes, another one opens.'"
"No, it doesn't," Sheldon promptly denied. "Not unless the doors are connected by relays. Or there are motion sensors involved."
"No, I meant-"
But he went on, "Or if the first door closing creates a change in air pressure that acts upon the second."
Daniel chimed in again, "Just ignore 95% of what he says. Even so, sometimes it's hard to put up with him…" he muttered the last part.
She chuckled.
Sheldon then started making hand gestures. "Slow down. Slow down. Please, slow down."
"We're fine," Daniel said, glancing at the rearview mirror.
But the physicist insisted. "Slow down. You're not leaving enough space between cars."
"Oh, sure I am."
"No, no, let me do the math for you. This car weighs, let's say, 4,000 pounds."
"3,500," Daniel corrected.
"Okay, 3,500. Now, add 140 for me, 180 for you, and 120 for Penny-"
Penny cut him off. "One-twenty?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I insult you?" Sheldon leaned toward her seat. "Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?"
"Well, yeah."
"Interesting," he paused. "Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say, 3,940."
"Let's say 3,930," she corrected again.
"Make it 3,932," Daniel joked, glancing at Penny's breasts, "because of the 'babies.'"
She gave him a playful slap.
"Wait, are you pregnant?" Sheldon asked, surprised.
"See what you did?" she said dryly, giving Daniel a look.
"Oh, that explains a few noises I hear coming from your apartment," Sheldon pointed out.
"Oh my God!" Penny groaned.
"Exactly!" Sheldon agreed, since that was precisely what he had heard.
Daniel burst out laughing. "See? The five percent can be really funny." He received another slap from Penny, this time not so playful.
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They walked into the supermarket.
Sheldon commented as he looked around, "Look at me. I'm in the real world of ordinary people… just living their ordinary, colorless, work-a-day lives."
Daniel, who was pushing the shopping cart, whispered to Penny, "We're not even dating, but we're already taking care of a big baby," nodding his head toward Sheldon.
"Well, at least this one we can ditch somewhere," she replied, continuing to put items into the cart.
[Penny commentary]
"Before I moved into the apartment I'm in now, I lived with my ex, Kurt. I dated that cheating bastard for four years," Penny said, a bit angry.
"I want to focus on my career now." She clarified, "the actress one, not the waitress-at-the-Cheesecake-Factory."
"And I don't think Dani wants a serious relationship either."
Penny concluded, "But he's nice and fun to be around… and… wow, wow, wooow!" She glanced around. "Way better than my exes!"
"So we are becoming great friends... with certain... benefits."
[Commentary ends]
Sheldon approached the two of them again. "Hey, do you want to hear something interesting about tomatoes?"
"No. No, not really," Penny denied, but Daniel guessed, "Is it about the fact that tomatoes are fruit?"
One of Sheldon's eyes started twitching.
"Oh, I think you broke him," she whispered.
"If only it were that easy…" Daniel shook his head.
Sheldon recovered and began listing a series of 'interesting facts.'
"Listen, didn't you say you needed some eggs?" Penny cut him off.
"Yes, but anyone who knows anything about bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out."
"Well, we're doing that. Go get your eggs," Daniel remarked, "before I kick the two you already have."
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"Well, that was fun," Sheldon said as he walked up the stairs alongside Daniel and Penny.
He suggested, "Tomorrow we could go to one of those warehouse stores."
"I don't know, Sheldon," Penny made a face. "It's gonna take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today."
"Are you sure? There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk," Sheldon pointed out. "For example, I noticed you purchase your tampons… one month's supply at a time."
Penny, who was opening the door to her apartment, stopped for a moment. "What?"
"Well, think about it. It doesn't spoil… and you're going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years."
"You want me to buy thirty years' worth of tampons?" she asked in disbelief, while Daniel laughed beside her.
"Well, thirty, thirty-five-" Sheldon paused, then asked, "When did your mother go into menopause?"
"Okay," Penny snapped, annoyed. "I'm not talking about this with you." She was already inside with Dani, leaving Sheldon outside.
"Oh, Penny," the physicist continued. "This is a natural human process, and we're talking about significant savings."
"Now, if you assume fifteen tampons per cycle, in a twenty-eight-day cycle-" he stopped again, searching for more information. "Are you fairly regular?"
What he got in response was the door slammed in his face by Penny.
In her apartment, Daniel set the groceries down on the couch and started massaging Penny's shoulders.
"Come here," he said, placing a hand on her waist and guiding her to sit on the kitchen counter.
"You're taking advantage of my annoyance," she accused, but still let his hands roam freely over her body.
Needless to say, they did it in the kitchen.
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