The rain is falling heavily now. I peered out the window to check if any of Julia's clothes were still on the line; if they are, I'll just have to wash them all over again. Besides, the idea of making dinner just for myself is depressing. I can eat just about anything and go to bed early, but when there are two of us eating, the work actually feels worth it.
"Hmmm, what's that smell?"
I was busy straightening up the living room when I realized I'd forgotten the potatoes and broccoli on the stove. I ran to kill the heat, but I was a bit late. Luckily, they weren't completely burnt. I tasted a bit and felt a wave of relief.
"Thank God, it's still edible."
Now the only thing left is to make the tortillas, but I'm still stuck. How many should I make for her? Usually, I eat two, and I try to remember how many she usually takes from me—is it three, four, or just one? How many does she actually want?
Sigh…
Who am I fooling? I don't even eat at night. It's actually the exact opposite. I head off to work every night and don't get back until morning. I don't eat during the night shift; I just spend that time making food for her before I leave. We even had a huge fight about it once.
She was so angry that morning before she left for the office.
"Why did you make so little for me last night? We've lived together for over three years and you still don't know how much I eat?"
"B-but you didn't tell me how much you wanted? So I thought I shoul—"
"Oh, so now this is my fault? Fine. From tonight on, don't you dare touch a single thing in this kitchen."
She stormed off and dragged out a big suitcase, shoving my clothes inside with total frustration.
"Everything is my mistake, right? Then fine. I'll solve it myself."
She grabbed me by the elbow and dragged me toward the front gate. I was chilled to the bone, my jaw trembling with fear. I tried to resist, but I couldn't stop her. When she finally let go, I was thrown onto the floor. She started heading back inside, so I ran and grabbed her legs.
"Please, please forgive me. I promise this won't happen again."
I cried the whole morning that day. I accepted that it was my fault; I should have realized how much her pride means to her. That day, I felt like I didn't know her at all, even after three years. I decided then that no matter what, I wouldn't give her another chance to get that angry with me. Now, whenever she's upset, I just stay completely silent and agreeable. I shouldn't react, or she'll get mad and things will go back to the way they were.
But I've already made a huge mistake, and I've been hiding it for six months. Every time I think about talking to Dylan, something inside stops me. I don't even know how to bring it up. But what scares me most is wondering: will Julia forgive me, or will everything fall apart?
I looked out at the rain-streaked glass door and whispered to myself, "Will it be okay? Will you forgive me?"
[On one side, she is terrified that her love will crumble. On the other, Julia is in a hotel room with another girl. They are completely lost in each other. Their feet are tangled together as they shift positions. Julia grips the girl's breast with one hand and bites the other one hard. The girl screams. Leaving a dark mark behind, Julia warns her, "Don't you dare stop screaming." After a while, they stop, the girl taking deep breaths. Julia grabs her phone and starts texting. The girl looks at her, curious.]
"Who are you texting?"
"My girlfriend… telling her I'm not coming home tonight."
"How long are you going to keep her around? Just leave her and move in with me."
"I know… I know, but there's still that problem."
"That again? Why can't you just tell her to go away?"
"You don't know her. I need to find a way so that she leaves on her own and never tries to come back, even if she wanted to."
"Why go to such extremes?"
"Because she's like a dog. If you leave her, she'll just follow the scent and come back no matter how far away you drop her. She's always sticking to me, clinging to me for everything. It's so hard to get her out of my life."
"Whatever… but calling her an animal? Look what you're doing—do you think you're any better?"
"What do you mean by that?"
[The girl points to her chest; it's still dark red from the bite, the teeth marks clearly visible.]
"What are you going to do about it?"
"Tell me what you want, Mia."
"Make it equal."
[She laughs and kisses her passionately. While her girlfriend is at home worrying about her, Julia is looking for a way to erase her.]
To distract myself, I took out my phone and played "Overdose." It's become my favorite song. I don't even know who sings it, but I added it to my playlist after finding it randomly while riding the metro one day.
"Yeah. There it is."
I walked into the 24/7 and grabbed a few things. Nathan's not home today and I don't have a shift, so I'm going to let myself rest tonight. Working every day is exhausting, especially during sports season. During these months, I barely get any sleep, and my whole morning is spent cleaning and doing research. I probably need to start going to the gym before my body falls apart. Lately, balancing my mind and body feels like holding fire in one hand and ice in the other.
I suddenly realized my ice cream would melt before I got home.
"I should eat this first."
Suddenly, something caught my eye. I saw a woman shouting at four men near a juice stand. It was hard to tell what they were saying from that far away, but it didn't look like they were trying to hurt her. Actually, she was the only one yelling, and it looked like they were all trying to calm her down.
I decided to get a closer look. I wasn't the only one; a crowd was starting to watch. As I got close enough, the voice sounded familiar—I recognized her silhouette, too. Before I could even process it, the girl tried to punch one of the guys in the face. He dodged just in time, and the momentum sent her spinning around. In that second, I saw her face. My heart stopped.
"SAMAYRA."
I ran toward her. She fell to the ground, mumbling incoherently.
"Hey, what happened? What are you doing here?"
The smell of alcohol on her breath told the whole story. She wasn't just tipsy; she was completely out of it, barely able to speak or walk. One of the men looked at me.
"Hey dude, do you know her?"
"Ye… yes," I replied, my voice faint and confused.
"Take her home. She's so drunk she can't even stand up."
The man sounded genuinely concerned. I immediately hoisted her onto my back and apologized to them.
"I'm sorry on her behalf. I apologize if my friend did anything wrong."
The man stopped me and handed me a bottle of soda. When I asked what it was, he said, "It's to help her sober up. Give it to her when she wakes up."
I thanked him again and took her to the nearest park bench I could find. I waited for her to wake up. Two hours passed and she still hadn't stirred. I decided to take action. I took the lemonade I'd bought and poked a hole in the top. I poured the juice into her mouth, and as it hit her throat, the bitterness snapped her awake.
"EEEEEEEEeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk!"
*Cough*, *cough*.
"What was that?" she asked, wiping her face and dress. Most of the juice had spilled on her.
"Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better."
I gave her the drink the man had handed me. After the first sip, she spat it out. I guess it tasted even worse than the lemonade.
"What the hell are you making me drink? Are you trying to kill me?" she yelled at me.
I just looked at her and smiled. "Well, at least you're not hallucinating anymore."
She stared at me for a while and then asked, "Did I do something?"
"Kind of. You ran into some random guys and tried to pick a fight."
She went silent again. "What time is it?"
"It's 21:30."
She hung her head and didn't say a word. I thought about asking what was wrong, but it felt too soon.
"I don't know what's going on or why you did that. But don't stay out at night if you're drunk. If you want to talk about anything, I'm right here."
She looked up at me. I took out a Kit-Kat bar and handed it to her.
"This will make you feel better. Since you're sober now, you should probably head home."
As I started to walk away, she called my name. I turned around. She looked like she was hesitating.
"Do you remember what happened between us six months ago?"
The memory flashed through my mind instantly. "Yes."
"I wanted to talk about it."
"You know, I've wanted to talk about it with you, too."
She looked relieved. It wasn't something we could hide from each other forever; eventually, we were going to have to face it.
"But I don't think tonight is the best time. We should meet tomorrow and talk."
"Okay, whatever you want. But where?"
"How about the café?"
"No, not there. I'll text you the place."
I agreed and gave her a hug. I decided I'd ask her everything tomorrow.
I was so nervous watching him walk away. I felt like I was going to be sick because I was so full of suppressed emotions. I had so much to say, but every time I tried, I just went numb. My heart was racing so fast I couldn't even hear my own voice.
Then, he snapped me out of it.
*Snap*
I looked at him, startled. I realized we were already sitting in a restaurant, waiting for our food and trying to figure out where to start. I couldn't stop rubbing my thumbs together. I wanted to say something, but the words wouldn't come out. He noticed and decided to go first.
"What we did was wrong. But hiding it from our partners is even worse."
I looked up at him. He said it so calmly. No hesitation, not even a drop of sweat. He sat there confidently, perfectly composed, while I was literally trembling with fear. I asked him in a shaky voice, "What do we do now?"
"I think we should tell them. There's no point in hiding it anymore."
It was exactly what I expected him to say, but I still didn't want to hear it. In the back of my mind, I was screaming—Why? Why would you say that?
"But will it be okay? I mean, will they just accept it and let it go?"
He looked disappointed and then looked away. He wasn't happy with my question, but I needed an answer more than I needed the truth.
"How long can we keep them in the dark, pretending everything is normal? Living with the fear that Nathan might find out before I can tell him... that's much scarier to me."
I still couldn't look him in the eye, but he was so sure of himself. I felt like a coward.
"But what if they break up with us? What if we never see them again? I can't live with that. I'm sorry, but I don't have the courage."
"Listen, living with guilt is way worse than being honest. We did something terrible, and we're hiding it from the people who deserve to know. Is that even right?"
I just looked down. He made me realize that what I was doing was wrong. But that one question was still stuck in my head. "But what happens if they don't forgive us?"
"If someone really loves you more than themselves, they'll forgive you. Maybe not right away, or even for a week, but they won't leave you. They stayed for how they felt about you, not for what you did. I know cheating isn't something easily forgiven, but letting them live a lie is worse."
His words really got to me. I started to feel a bit more confident. "So… will everything go back to normal?"
"Yes, it will."
"I have one more thing to ask."
"What is it?"
"Will this ruin our friendship? I don't want to lose you. I still care about you."
He nodded.
"Look, if we tell them, they might forgive us, but I don't think we can stay friends and keep seeing each other. We have to choose, here and now."
"But could we be okay without this friendship? If they love us, why wouldn't they understand that we're just friends now?"
I finally looked him right in the eye. I needed to know what he thought.
"We could stay friends, but it would be really hard for our partners to believe nothing would happen again, since it already did once."
"But why?"
"It would be easier to explain if we weren't both homo and had been in a straight relationship. Then you'd understand how it feels to cheat on someone and not tell them."
I felt like there was a secret hidden in those last words. I saw him crossing and uncrossing his ankles under the glass table, over and over. I noticed it, but I decided to ignore it. I was convinced.
"How are we going to tell them?"
"I'm not going to dance around it. I'm just going to confess directly to him."
"Directly?"
"Yes. I'm not going to hide. I'll just say it."
"Okay then. I'll do it that way, too."
We finished our food and wished each other luck. Before we left, I asked one last time.
"Dylan, will it really be okay?"
He smiled and looked at me. "Yes, it will."