"Hey, everything is fine. There is no need for you to worry. I am always there for you."
"But when—when will you be by my side?"
"What do you mean? Hey, stop crying."
[Samayra tries to lift up the crying girl in front of her, but she doesn't react. She gets confused and doesn't understand what is happening. The little girl tries to push her away, but she doesn't leave, no matter what she says.]
"Go away, you don't even care about me."
"That's not true. I love you, I love you more than anyone. Why are you saying something like this?"
"You really don't know?"
"Yes, tell me. What is it?"
"You are still hiding from it. You are still hiding from yourself. You are still running away from the truth."
[The little girl stood up and came towards Samayra as she spoke. Her immense dread and heavy persona started shaking Samayra from the inside. Samayra gulped and tried to take a step back, but it was of no use. She flinched and wasn't able to move.]
"If you are really not scared, then face it."
[She lifted her head, and the whole world around Samayra shattered into glass pieces.]
"Sam, Sam. Hey, Sam. What happened?"
"Oh, nothing. I was—I was just zoned out for a bit."
"Finish your breakfast and leave the plates in the sink. I will wash them later."
I looked up at him and glared. How could he be this sweet after everything that happened? If I were in his position, I would have shouted at myself and pushed myself away. But he—he is different. He didn't even shout a single word at me. He didn't even rant about his breakup. And he let me stay in his house.
*beep* *beep*
"That's the sound of the washing machine. I will go and check the clothes."
He left the table and walked away. I couldn't stop watching him. I didn't know what he thought about me, but I knew he was a nice person to whom nothing bad should happen. I didn't know why, but I still felt there was something he was hiding from me. Not even just from me, but from—
"Here I am, back. Sorry, I needed to turn off the tap or else the water would have overflowed."
"Dylan, why are you so nice?"
"I don't understand. Is there a problem with being nice? Or do you just not like nice people?"
"No, but I just feel too much guilt about everything. After listening to your words about love, I was really moved. But no matter how much I think, I can't fully grasp how you are feeling on the inside."
"..."
"I wish I was a boy, just so I could understand what you have gone through."
I looked at her with all my intentions being clear in my mind. Looking into my eyes, she didn't turn her sight away from me. I stood up and took both of our plates to the sink. Her words reminded me of something—something I thought I would never hear again.
"Girl this, Girl that. Boy this, Boy that. Have you ever thought what it could be like if we both were not viewed like this?"
"What?"
"I am saying, what if we were not generalized by genders? What if we were not bound by societal rules? What if we were just us, as we are?"
She looked at me with confusion. She didn't understand what I was trying to say, but I needed to tell her. The feeling she was having right now, the guilt she was taking upon herself, was something she needed to get over.
It wasn't just about her; I had also gone through this.
"You know, Samayra, sometimes I just wish I could go back in time. To live life as a kid, a time when there were no boundaries about being friends with others. We just looked at each other, considering the other person our friend and nothing else. There were no tags on us of being a boy or a girl."
"..."
"When we were kids, we never worried about anything. Life was so good. Just sleeping, eating, and playing. When we didn't have any tags, we treated every person equally and never tried to tease someone or stop them from doing something just because they were a girl or a boy."
"..."
"But now… I hate life. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to feel that distance, but I am still chained up and kept from changing it."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because no matter how much I try to live like that, I can't. Now, everyone's mind has changed. No matter what they feel, they will always distance themselves from others."
"That is not true."
"Yes, it is. Now people hate each other, generalizing each other by saying, 'He is a boy, it's in his nature to do the worst to a girl,' or, 'She is a girl, she will always be fragile. She can never be equal to a man.'"
"People generally do say that."
"And that's what I find absurd. Adults say anything for their own benefits and generalize everyone on behalf of a few."
"Dylan, please don't say that."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Now we are also adults, and we have to face this no matter how hard life gets. So, I want you to feel differently about yourself. Don't say that if you were a boy, you would have understood me much more. I don't know how your past has been, but I know that at this moment, you have suffered just as much as me in your relationship."
I wished I was like you. I wished whatever you said could be true.
"Oh, look at the clock. It's already 9:30."
"….."
"I shall get everything cleaned before it's already noon."
Dylan took everything off the table and started washing them, doing everything at a fast pace just to get it done quickly.
"But it's so early in the morning. We have more than three hours."
"You don't know how fast time flies. I have to get ready to go out to the library. And what do you mean by 'we'?"
"You are not the only one who is going to work. I am going to help you out."
I stood up from the chair and took the vacuum cleaner from the living room. There was no way I would let him work on his own.
"No way, you are my guest. I can't let you work."
"Don't say stupid things like that. You want to get everything done early, and I am going to help you out."
"No way, leave it."
"I won't. Blllleeeeeeeehhhaaaa!"
"Now you are going to tease me?"
We laughed as we worked, and in no time, everything was done. The whole house was clean, the dishes were washed, and my clothes were drying outside next to his. He was getting ready to go out.
"Samayra, are you coming with me?"
"No, I think I might stay."
"Okay then. I haven't cooked anything, you will manage, right?"
"Yeah, I know how to cook. I will make something for myself."
"Okay then, I am heading out."
"Uhh, wait."
I stopped him. I didn't know why; I just felt like I didn't want him to go.
"Dylan, would you be happy if you met a person like the one you talked about? A person who will not look at you as a man, but just as you?"
"Yes, I would be happy meeting someone like that. But it's impossible to meet someone like that. Why do you ask, though?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being a kind person."
"Why do you say it like that? It was really cringe."
He got cold chills from my words. Why did he act like that? Now, I also felt cringed out. I guess I shouldn't have said it like that.
He put on his shoes and looked at me. With a soft gaze, he said, "Sam, I know it's not my right to say anything, but never leave someone you love. If you love someone, gather your courage and tell them. Maybe you will not get a response initially, but with time, everything can heal. I have lost, but you can still go back."
"But what if she never wants me again?"
"You both loved each other, that's why you were together. It might be possible that she is still waiting for you. The longer you take, the more distance it will create between the two of you."
I didn't say a thing and looked down.
"Whatever decision you take for yourself will be your choice. I am not forcing myself on you. I am with you in your every decision. I am heading out."
He closed the gate as he said it. I came back into the living room and sat down, watching the fan as it moved. I looked at all the corners.
"So, this is where he lives?"
I looked around at everything and thought for a while. Was it really necessary for you to say that? I didn't want to hear it from you. I sighed.
"I wish I could delete those thoughts from my mind. Is everything really good enough to go back to? I don't know."
I stared at the glass gate of balcony while remembering his words. Everything would have been fine if we were still kids. I remembered the moment when I was lost and didn't know what to do.
[Samayra remembers her past as she dives deep into her memories.]
'Someone, someone save me. Mom, dad, where are you? Please come and save me.' I cried more intensely as I ran from those two wild dogs. Every ounce of my breath was being utilized in my legs. When I looked behind me, those dogs were much closer than I thought.
I climbed into a nearby cabin and tried to lock the door, but it wouldn't budge.
'Please, please, pllllllleeeeeesssss.'
I gathered all of the energy left in my body and almost closed the gate, but in that moment, one of them stuck its head between the gate and the wall of the cabin. My anxiety rose incredibly high at that moment. I left the gate and stepped back to save myself.
'What should I do—what should I—what should I—'
The gate started opening again as the dog tried to climb in. Those eyes, filled with anger, haunted me to my bones. But at that exact moment, I remembered her words.
'If you ever feel panic in a situation, just don't feel anxious.'
'What do you mean?'
'Take a deep breath, look around you, and grab the heaviest thing that you can lift. Hit it onto your problems, and they will run away.'
'That is lame. I am asking you how I can solve my math holiday assignment.'
Her words didn't make any sense back then, but now they were worth more than anything I could want. I looked around myself and finally found an iron pole. I grabbed it and smashed it onto the dog's forehead. He yelped and ran away. I instantly ran to the door and locked it. I took some deep breaths and smiled. It was a really scary but fascinating moment for me. I fought a dog all by myself. I tried to dance to celebrate, but I had already reached my physical limit.
And the next thing I remembered, the gates were open and Elli was standing in front of me. It was already nighttime. I didn't know for how long I had been passed out. Later, I found out that everyone was looking for me that night; there were so many people from my locality, and there were also people who worked at the station.
But my best friend was the one who found me. I looked at her and cried. I cried with my whole heart open. She looked at me and said, "Finally found you."
Oh, what a great time that was. I know I was sad a lot, but now I don't remember those cries correctly. It is just like a dream to me. And yeah, later I found out I was hiding in my favorite train engine. The thing I loved the most had saved me.
"I can say that everything would have been good if we were still kids."
Oh no, it's raining pretty hard. I should have come back early. Nowadays, it is raining too much. I walked inside the house and untied my laces.
"I am pretty chilled. I should get a hot cocoa, or else I will catch a cold."
I walked further inside the house, noticing that the hall lights were off. Not only that, but the living room lights were also off.
"So, I guess that's how it is. She is gone."
I knew I wished for her to be happy, but I didn't feel happy now that she was gone. I couldn't shake the heavy feeling. I sat in the living room and looked down.
"I wish you were here."
"Who must be here?"
I turned around and saw a dark, pillar-like structure standing in the kitchen. A scream ripped straight from my heart.
"Uwwwwwwhhhhhhaaa!"
"Stop, you are scaring me!"
"I am scaring—? You scared me! What were you doing there?"
"I was on the first floor. I didn't like sitting around the TV all the time, and I couldn't go out because of the rain. So, I decided I would enjoy my hot cocoa in your room."
"Hot what?"
"Here, this cup is yours."
"Oh, thanks. I appreciate that. I thought you had gone."
"So, you were thinking about me."
"I was just worried, that's it. By the way, what happened?"
She came up to me and sat beside me, not looking me in the eyes, just rubbing the sides of her cup.
"Dylan, I thought about what you said to me. And I also wanted to go back, but—"
"..."
"I am still scared about what she will say, or how things will move from now on. I don't have the courage to say everything in words."
"..."
"I want your help. You remember you said you are with me, whatever decision I take?"
"Yes, I remember, and I am still standing by it. Tell me, what have you decided?"
"I want to tell her everything without hesitation. I am going to tell her what I feel about her and our relationship, and I want to be ready to accept any answer she gives, no matter what it is."
"Okay. But for that, you need to be ready for everything, no matter what comes. She can even tell you to go away from her."
"I know, and I want to be ready for that. That's why I need some time to think about it. I need some time to stay and calm myself down for everything."
"For how long do you want to stay?"
"I don't know. Maybe a day or two, or maybe a week. I know it's too much to ask, but I can't say anything else. That choice is yours."
He left the cup on the table and walked away. I guess he will not let me stay with him. I have decided I will not force myself on him, no matter what happens. I will go away and find my own path by myself. After a while had passed, he came back to me holding a board and a marker.
"So, Ms. Samayra, you want to live here for a week, am I right?"
"..."
"So here are the terms and conditions you will have to follow. Read them and sign here, and if you have any doubts regarding your stay, you can ask me."
"Stay? That means..."
"Yes. For the next one week, you are staying here. No matter what you need, you can tell me."
"Dylan, I don't know how to thank—"
"Okay, okay, I have heard it too many times. Please."
"..."
"But I am glad you have finally made up your mind. Congratulations."
She smiled, looking at me. I was also happy for her; she had finally thought for herself and decided to fight for her relationship, no matter what happened.
She looked at me after reading the contract.
"What do you mean, 'I have to clean the house three times a day'?"
"You did great mopping today, so I thought it might be a great routine."
"And what is this? 'I have to do the dishes every time, no matter how many times you make food.'"
"Yep. And I remember I make food at least six times a day."
"Six?!"
"I love trying new things."
She shouted louder and louder, but I just walked away from her.
"And remember, you are going to sleep on the sofa-bed. Don't forget to fold it up every morning."
"That's not fair!"
I am going to miss these screams after she is gone. The feeling that you are still in a home with other people... yeah, it feels great. Even though Nathan is not with me, I am going to handle everything on my own.