Cold.
I felt unbelievably cold.
It was like every bit of warmth in my body had been extracted from me.
Looking at Elliot, my fingers trembled.
His face was filled with concern, gentle yet hesitant.
Yet, I couldn't bring myself to focus on his consideration.
'How could this have happened?'
My grandfather's passing was an event I could never foresee.
It wasn't real.
It couldn't have been real.
I didn't want it to be.
I needed it not to be.
"Um…I have to go."
Forcing out those words, I quickly turned around and rushed toward the stairwell.
'Did I mishear on the phone? Is he actually gone? Why is he gone? Where is he? Am I imagining things?'
Every step I took weighed me down, as if I was carrying the entire world by myself.
My breathing sped up, my heart rate quickened.
And my soul weakened.
"Ah…ah…"
Panting, I realized I was outside.
'I have to find his car…'
For a few moments, I looked around.
Cars zoomed by, people walked by, birds flew by.
All those things, that would've brought me so much joy.
They made me nauseous.
Soon though, I found what I was looking for.
It was a sleek, black, vehicle.
Approaching the car, I opened the back seat door and got inside.
"Soriel, are you okay?"
The deep voice came from a man sitting in the driver's seat.
His hair was blonde, like mine, with a neatly groomed beard.
That man was my father.
"Yes…I'm fine," I muttered.
My father's face turned solemn.
"I'm sorry."
After saying that softly, he began to drive, no longer looking at me.
I was very thankful for that.
I didn't want to be seen.
'How…'
My thoughts went blank.
According to what my father told me on the phone, my grandfather had a stroke.
I didn't know why, nor did anyone else.
It had just happened.
Looking out the window, I watched all the things we drove past.
Schools, restaurants, shops, malls. People and pets too.
Yet, not a single thought came to mind.
The sea of my heart was swirling, unbalanced and unstable.
Yet, there was nothing that swarmed inside of it.
"Ah…"
I let out a shaky breath.
That was the only thing I could do.
**
The drive was on the longer side, almost an hour.
Both my father and I had been quiet the entire time.
Eventually, we arrived at our destination.
My father's apartment.
Getting out of the car, I weakly followed my father as he entered the building.
The building was elegant and extremely well decorated.
But more than that, it was unnatural.
Foreign, at least to me.
As we took the elevator to go upstairs, my stomach churned.
'What am I doing here? I want to go home…'
I had to go to my father's house many times. Even if I wasn't as close with him as I would've liked to be, I was always welcome.
Yet, when the elevator arrived on his floor, when he opened the door to his home, when I took my first step in…
I knew I didn't want to be there at all.
The modern style home was a sharp contrast to my grandfather's home.
I wanted my grandfather's home.
I wanted my home.
Taking off my shoes, I began walking towards the room I usually stayed in.
"I'd like to be alone for a while," I said.
I couldn't see my father's reaction, but I could sense a nod of acceptance.
I entered the room, closing the door behind me.
I didn't bother getting changed or turning on the lights. I simply took off my school bag and sat down behind the door.
I stayed in that silence. In that darkness.
It did not bring any fear or comfort. It brought nothing.
I couldn't think of things that made me happy like games or Elliot.
I couldn't think of things that made me sad like injustice or abuse.
I couldn't think of anything at all.
Except one thing.
'This is only for a little while. I'll go home soon. I'll be fine…'
Those were the thoughts that remained.
The ones that never abandoned.
So I held onto them tight, praying that they wouldn't leave me too.