I have seen death from very up close. The death of comrades that I had talked with just the day before. The death of soldiers who were under me, who had saluted me just five hours ago.
So, i thought that since I've been through So many Unexpected Deaths, going through A Single Expected Death of one woman would be something I could manage.
But Now that the time has now come, I have realized. As I looked at her, I realized that death is not a skill you can master. It is not a burden that grows lighter with experience.
Death is not something you can just get used to, no matter how many times you have seen it. The pain of losing someone is not something you can easily move on from.
I looked at her pale face.
...Especially if it's someone as dear as she is to me.
I sank into the chair beside her and held her hand with both of my hands. her fingers feeling as thin and cold as porcelain in my hands
"...How are you ?" I asked her despite knowing the answer as if to make a vain try to break the silence.
"Not... Quite good. I don't think I'll... make it" she said the obvious painful truth in an extremely weak and yet natural tone of voice. As if she was talking about not being able to make it to a Banquet in time.
"Can't you..." I pulled her hand close to my head, my eyes squeezed shut. I held her fingers in a prayer position. A Prayer filled with desperation, as if I was worshiping her and not the Goddess and...
"Can't you just not go ?" I asked for the Impossible. It was no different than a hopeless pathetic desperate man demanding the Sun, His Sun not to set.
"Don't act... Like a kid Theo." she wheezed, trying act teasy but her Tone was too tired to sound like one, "You know the answer."
Yes, I know but! It's hard to accept!
"I know... I know... But! I can't! Please!" I said-no Pleaded.
The word felt like glass shard in my throat. I didn't recognize the sound of my own voice.
I don't know how my voice sounded to others at that moment ?
Was it a cold voice ?
A voice of agony ?
A yearning voice ?
A voice full of pain ?
I don't know.
"You shouldn't say that" she said, her voice growing fainter, as if she were drifting away on a tide I couldn't see. "you shouldn't say 'please'. This is the first time and yet... Yet.. i cannot grant your wish."
Her face and voice were getting paler and fainter by each second.
"I was happy, you know... When I was pregnant"
"I was happy that even though I could not marry you, Even though our relation has no official recognition or Documents, at least i would have some proof that I loved you. At least..."
she continued as She looked toward the small, towel-wrapped bundle beside her, "...At least, I will leave behind one mark that will be proof of my existence to the world."
"When I lost my family, The loss itself was not the reason that made me sad, I was afraid... So so afraid that there would not be anyone to mourn for me, once i am gone."
She looked at me, "But I am glad, I am glad that I was so so wrong ...because I have you."
She moved her other hand with agonizing slowness, resting it atop the baby. "it's a pity that I won't be there to see her grow up but... Be good to her, Theo. Please."
I did not answer. I could not.
"Goodbye." She gave her last farewell with a bright smile that looked more pale rather than bright.
A few moments later the slight movement of her chest was gone, It simply stopped. The faint shallow whistle of her breathing was nowhere to be heard, even by my mana enhanced ears.
Naty had left us. Just like that. It was not gory or loud. There were No pool of blood, No cursing words, No Bloody wound, No talks of regrets, No words of resentment, But Just a ...Quiet Death. It was unlike any death I had experienced before my eyes.
I did not know how to react. How to react to the Death of Someone Dear was not something I was taught. Neither in the house nor on the battlefield.
So I just stayed silent in that position. Still not letting go of her hands, her fingers. I stayed in that position, my fingers still locked with hers, until the skin began to lose its warmth.
For some reason, the corner of my eyes and a small area of my cheek felt a little cold as if it was wet.
I stood up and My eyes fell on the bedsheet near me where there were three small round wet Spots.
I turned my eyes to the beautiful woman's lifeless face which had it's eyes closed but still looked beautiful. And then my eyes fell on the baby, beside the lifeless beautiful woman. The baby was hers.
Her hand was still resting on the child, her child, her daughter, her blood, her legacy.
I slowly but steadily stretched my hand towards her, towards the baby.
Not to pick her up. Not to comfort. Not to move Naty's hand. My fingers moved toward the infant's throat
She is the reason Naty left me.
She took her away from me.
She is the reason. The reason. The reason.
It was as if A dark, oily voice was echoing whispering in the back of my head, my mind, bypassing my ears and whispering directly into my soul.
And Just then..
"Ga!" She woke up
She did not cry And the first thing she did was to move her tiny hand reached out and grasped Naty's cold finger that was still resting on her. and Then, seeing my hand approaching, she reached out with her other hand and wrapped her miniature fingers around my thumb.
It was as if a connection has been built between a living Man and a Dead Woman through this small creature.
"Gi!" She chirped in a perhaps happy voice as if celebrating a victory.
She looked happy like someone who has found water in a Desert.
'Be good to her, Theo'
The dead woman's voice rang in my head like a bell. I felt a jolt of revulsion—not for the child, but for myself. I brushed the baby's hand away with a harsh, jerky motion.
"Ga!" she protested, perhaps confused by the sudden loss of contact.
But I didn't look back. I turned on my heel and walked toward the door, my cape billowing behind me like a funeral shroud. Hema was waiting in the hall, her face a mask of grief.
"Hema," I said, my voice turning into a dead, frozen monotone voice. "I want to be left alone today. Do not let anyone—not even the child—cross my threshold tonight."
"...Yes, My Lord."
And thus, I Went to the Volk Cellar and then returned to my own Room.
___________
(Poem Time)
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It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea,
But we loved with a love that was more than love—
I and my Annabel Lee—
With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,
Went envying her and me—
Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we—
Of many far wiser than we—
And neither the angels in Heaven above
Nor the demons down under the sea
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea—
In her tomb by the sounding sea.
--"Annabel Lee" from Collected Work of Edgar Allan Poe