Some wounds are invisible, but they hurt the most. And sometimes, the darkness we fear outside… already lives within us.
The night after everything felt heavier than usual.
It wasn't just sadness anymore.
It wasn't just overthinking.
It was something deeper.
Something I couldn't explain.
I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling, just like every other night. But this time, my thoughts were not loud.
They were quiet.
Too quiet.
And that silence… it scared me.
Because when my thoughts were loud, at least I knew what I was feeling.
But now… I didn't even understand that.
I placed my hand on my chest, trying to feel my heartbeat.
It was there.
Slow.
Heavy.
Like it was tired… just like me.
I closed my eyes, hoping to sleep.
But sleep didn't come.
It never came easily anymore.
Instead, memories started appearing.
Not all at once.
Just small pieces.
Moments I had tried to forget.
Moments that had hurt me.
Moments that I never talked about.
I saw myself smiling in front of people.
Laughing.
Acting normal.
And then I saw myself alone.
Quiet.
Broken.
The difference between those two versions of me felt unbearable.
"Which one is real?" I whispered.
No answer.
Only darkness.
I turned to my side, hugging my pillow tightly.
Trying to feel safe.
Trying to feel something.
But the emptiness inside me didn't change.
It stayed.
Like a shadow.
Following me everywhere.
The next morning, I woke up late.
My head felt heavy.
My eyes burned.
But still, I got up.
Because life doesn't stop.
Even when you feel like you can't continue.
I looked at myself in the mirror.
Same face.
Same eyes.
But something was missing.
Something important.
I couldn't recognize it.
And that scared me.
At school, everything felt distant.
Voices sounded far away.
People looked like strangers.
Even my friends.
I sat with them, listening to their conversations.
But I couldn't connect.
I couldn't understand how they could laugh so easily.
How they could talk without overthinking every word.
How they could live… so normally.
One of them asked me, "Are you okay?"
I smiled.
"I'm fine."
The same lie.
The same habit.
Because telling the truth felt impossible.
How do you explain something you don't understand yourself?
So, I stayed silent.
Again.
Classes went on, but I couldn't focus.
My mind kept drifting away.
Lost in thoughts.
Lost in feelings.
Or maybe… lost in nothing.
At one point, I just stared at the window.
Watching the outside world.
People walking.
Cars moving.
Life going on.
And I wondered…
"Why does everything feel so different for me?"
That question stayed with me.
All day.
After school, I didn't go home immediately.
I didn't feel like facing anyone.
So, I just walked.
Without any direction.
Without any purpose.
The road felt endless.
And for the first time…
I didn't mind it.
Because walking felt easier than thinking.
Easier than feeling.
After some time, I sat on a bench.
Looking at nothing.
Thinking about everything.
Or maybe… trying not to think at all.
The wind was soft.
The sky was calm.
Everything around me felt peaceful.
But inside me…
There was no peace.
Only heaviness.
Only confusion.
Only silence.
I closed my eyes.
And for a moment…
I let everything go.
The thoughts.
The worries.
The pain.
But it didn't last long.
Because reality always comes back.
Stronger.
I opened my eyes slowly.
And that's when I noticed something.
Someone.
A person sitting a little far from me.
They looked calm.
Peaceful.
Different.
For a moment, I just looked at them.
And then a thought came to my mind—
"Why can't I feel like that?"
It wasn't jealousy.
It was curiosity.
A quiet question that stayed inside me.
I looked away quickly.
Because I didn't want to think too much.
Thinking always made things worse.
After some time, I got up and started walking again.
Back towards home.
Back towards reality.
Back towards everything I was trying to escape.
When I reached home, everything was the same.
The same voices.
The same environment.
The same expectations.
Nothing had changed.
Except me.
I went to my room and closed the door.
Sat down.
And stayed quiet.
I didn't feel like using my phone.
I didn't feel like talking.
I didn't feel like doing anything.
I just sat there.
Lost.
Hours passed like that.
Slowly.
Silently.
And then…
Night came again.
The part of the day I feared the most.
I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
Waiting.
Because I knew what would happen.
The thoughts.
The memories.
The feelings.
Everything would come back.
And they did.
But this time…
Something was different.
Instead of fighting them…
I just let them come.
I didn't try to stop them.
I didn't try to ignore them.
I just… watched.
Like an outsider.
Watching my own mind.
And slowly…
I started noticing something.
My thoughts were not random.
They were connected.
Every fear.
Every doubt.
Every pain.
They all had a reason.
A beginning.
Something I had ignored for too long.
And for the first time…
I didn't feel scared of my thoughts.
I felt curious.
Maybe understanding them…
Was the first step to healing.
I didn't have answers yet.
But I had something new.
Awareness.
And maybe…
That was enough for now.
Because sometimes…
You don't need to fix everything at once.
You just need to understand.
And maybe…
The shadows inside me…
Were not there to destroy me.
Maybe…
They were trying to show me something.
Something important.
Something I needed to see.