Kōichi looked at Kazuma, the useless wreck curled up on the ground and muttering over and over about how hard it was to be a man and how terrifying the world was, and let out a deep sigh.
He knew that if he did not take some drastic measures, this guy probably would not even qualify as cannon fodder in the battle that might be coming next.
He turned and looked gravely at Megumin, who was clutching her staff with an expression that clearly said she wanted nothing to do with this pervert.
"Megumin, listen. The village is facing a massive crisis, and our strongest tactical core, Kazuma Satou, has been completely disabled by mental contamination beyond the limits of human endurance."
Kōichi pressed a hand solemnly on Megumin's shoulder, his eyes filled with the resolve of a man ready to sacrifice the few for the many.
"W-what does that have to do with me? Just let that pervert fend for himself!"
Megumin shrank back slightly, looking a little guilty.
"No. Only you can save him. You heard him just now. He's developed severe PTSD toward beautiful women. Only the purest, gentlest love from a companion can cleanse the soul Sylvia has tainted."
Kōichi lowered his voice and leaned closer to Megumin's ear.
"So from now on, you need to be nicer to him. No, extremely nice. For example, speak to him gently. Or... if there's no other choice, offer up your first kiss as a stimulant. I'm sure that with the blessing of a beautiful girl's first kiss, this guy will instantly revive at full health on the spot. He might even be able to take on the Demon King alone!"
"Hah?! F-first kiss?! Kōichi, did Aqua infect your brain?!"
Megumin's face turned bright red in an instant, steam practically rising from her head as she wildly waved her staff.
"How could I possibly give something like that to this perverted man?! And why does it have to be me?! Aqua and Darkness are right here, aren't they?!"
"Aqua would only laugh at him, and Darkness would only give him even stranger misunderstandings."
Expressionless, Kōichi pointed at the Goddess beside them, who was making faces at Kazuma, and the Crusader lost in her own fantasies with a creepy grin on her face.
"Only you, Megumin. You're his most trusted companion, and his last hope."
Kazuma, who had been lying on the ground like a corpse, suddenly twitched his ear at the words "first kiss."
In his dull, gray eyes, a faint glimmer miraculously appeared. A glimmer known as lust.
"F... first kiss?"
Kazuma's voice was barely louder than a mosquito, but he actually trembled as he propped up his upper body, his dead-fish eyes fixed on Megumin.
"If it's Megumin's first kiss... maybe... maybe it really could overwrite that terrifying secret Sylvia left behind..."
Seeing Kazuma's sleazy expression, the face of a man who could fight another five hundred years as long as there was a reward involved, Megumin stumbled three steps back in fright and nearly dropped her staff.
"Hey! You revived way too fast! Was that whole 'life has no meaning' act from earlier just for show?!"
Megumin shouted in embarrassed anger, but when she saw that Kazuma's eyes, though lively again, still carried a trace of bleak sorrow, her heart softened just a little.
"...Honestly, I don't know what to do with you. Let me make this clear. A first kiss is absolutely out of the question! But, but if it's just treating you a little more gently... purely for the safety of the village, I-I suppose I could consider it..."
"Oooh! Kazuma, did you hear that?! Megumin agreed to be gentle with you!" Kōichi fanned the flames from the side. "Quick, strike while the iron's hot. Ask her to rub your shoulders first, or have her say, 'You worked hard, big brother!'"
"Kōichi, you bastard! Don't push your luck!!"
Megumin let out a scream of shame and fury, while Kazuma showed a lecherous smile that had not appeared in ages, the smile of Axel's very own scumbag. His entire body radiated a strange vitality.
The air in Crimson Demon Village's central square seemed to freeze in that instant.
Megumin's ruby-red eyes flickered slightly. She lowered her head, gripping her staff so tightly that it creaked. Just as Kōichi thought she was about to chant Explosion Magic on the spot and blast Kazuma into cosmic dust, she instead took a deep breath, and her voice became gentler than it had ever been.
"Fine. If it's to save a companion, I'll reluctantly agree. But! Kazuma, you have to close your eyes! Absolutely no peeking! If you dare open even a tiny crack, I'll use Explosion Magic to blow both you and this village into the sky. Do you hear me?!"
Kazuma, who had been half-dead moments ago, instantly snapped upright at those words, moving so fast it was as if someone had injected him with a stimulant.
He nodded frantically. On the face that had been full of despair a moment ago, there now bloomed a blissful smile so disgusting and lecherous that even a stray dog passing by would want to stomp on it twice.
"No problem! Absolutely no problem! I, Kazuma Satou, am the most trustworthy man alive! Come on, Megumin! I'm ready to welcome my new life!"
With that, Kazuma obediently closed his eyes and even puckered his slightly dry lips, looking like he was offering his neck for execution... no, offering his lips for a kiss.
Kōichi was watching with great interest, inwardly marveling that Kazuma really was the kind of guy who would sell his soul for a reward, when he suddenly felt a tremendous force strike him from the side.
Megumin's seemingly slender arm suddenly unleashed astonishing agility. She grabbed Kōichi by the back of his collar and shoved him toward Kazuma with all her strength.
"Go! This is the Crimson Demon Clan's strongest healing spell!!"
Megumin let out a victorious, mischievous shriek right beside Kōichi's ear.
"Huh?!"
Kōichi did not even have time to cry out before the momentum knocked him off balance.
The next second, the world seemed to stop.
Kōichi clearly felt his lips slam into something soft but slightly firm, with even the faint sensation of stubble.
And Kazuma, eyes still closed and face full of bliss, actually leaned forward a little more and let out an extremely satisfied muffled sound.
"Th-this... this is my first kiss!! Why the hell did I have to run my mouth and suggest this?!"
Kōichi roared deep inside his heart, loud enough to shatter the heavens.
He stared at Kazuma, whose eyes were closed and whose face was filled with intoxicated delight. His stomach instantly churned violently, but to keep Kazuma from going insane on the spot, or rather, to stop this farce from becoming even more awkward, he somehow forced down the urge to scream.
Their lips parted.
Kōichi scrambled and rolled five meters backward, grabbed onto a tree, and began spitting madly onto the ground as if he wanted to scrub his own tongue clean.
"Ptooey! Ptooey! Cough, cough! Ugh... That taste... Is this something a human being should do?!"
As Kōichi spat, he glared murderously at Megumin, who was hiding in the distance and clutching her stomach while laughing so hard she could barely breathe.
On the other side, Kazuma Satou slowly opened his eyes. The shadow Sylvia had left in them was gone. In its place was an unprecedented, crystal-clear... perverted light.
"Oh... Ohoho... Megumin, I never expected your first kiss... to have this heavy feeling, filled with the sweaty smell of an Adventurer and such a strong masculine presence."
Kazuma touched his lips, sighing in bliss.
"It's a little different from the beautiful girl fragrance I imagined, but this... this power that feels like it could smash my soul apart. As expected of the Greatest Mage of the Crimson Demon Clan! I'm revived! I'm completely revived! Sylvia or whatever doesn't matter at all now!!"
"Pfftahahahahaha!!"
Aqua finally could not hold it in anymore. She pointed at Kōichi, who was still spitting nonstop, and Kazuma, whose face was full of happiness, and rolled around on the ground laughing so hard tears flew from her eyes. "Kazuma! You idiot! You just kissed Kō-mmph!!"
Kōichi reacted instantly, rushing over in one step and clamping a hand over Aqua's mouth. His face was ashen as he growled at her.
"Shut up! Do you want both of us to jump off a cliff right now?!"
Darkness watched from the side, her eyes shining and her breathing ragged.