Ever since my mother revealed the secret about my brother two days ago, she has stopped talking to me. Forget muttering a single word, she refuses to even look at me the same way. Perhaps, it's either her guilty conscience eating her or her regrets about seeming vulnerable and literally crying in front of her daughter after she maintained such a nonchalant image towards the whole family.
She looks even more depressed nowadays. She even refuses to eat with the family now. She grabs her food and eats it inside her room. For some reason, she's getting a bit distant and that's aching me. I do want to ask her about what she said that day, about my brother but I fear she might get even more hurt and that my selfishness may overwhelm my mother's emotions. She's already distant and I definitely don't want the distance between us to increase even further.
Last night I had a dream where I killed my own brother, Han. I was fine with getting killed in my dreams but what's with this sudden change of me murdering instead? I don't remember much about the dream but he had a knife on him, perhaps to attack me or either harm himself, that I do not know. But what I do know is that seeing the knife triggered me to stab him on the chest.
Could this be my conscience telling me something? I would've thought it was jealousy for the unfair treatment I got compared to him, but I don't think that's the case. Why would I suddenly feel jealous just because I learned that he's not my biological brother? If it was jealousy, it would've shown a long time ago. Knowing the truth didn't bring me any conclusion but rather more questions.
Perhaps, I'm just imagining things. This has been my fate my entire life. Would knowing things even change what had already been decided for me?
I'm a slave. I've always been a slave. Not to my parents, not to Han, but rather a slave to what I am and my responsibility in this world. And even if you give a slave the knowledge of the entire world, it would remain just a knowledgeable slave.
The real question was if I was ready to sacrifice my current perspective towards life and possibly, my relationship towards my family just for the sake of curiosity, or rather to become a knowledgeable slave?
Perhaps, my questions would be answered by this letter I found in my mother's cabinet. The letter I stumbled across when my mother made me clean her room yesterday, ordering me with the same look that spoke she didn't ever wanna see my face again.
I didn't pay it any mind since it had already been a couple of days since mother started doing that. It did bother me initially but now I just accept it as it is knowing that it's probably not gonna change. My mother is a mysterious woman, in fact, my entire family is mysterious but I didn't wanna stick my nose into it.
Either my mother wanted me to read the letter or she forgot to close the cabinet, I'm not proud to say it but I took it without asking her.
I didn't wanna read the letter anytime soon but after seeing the dream and trying to process what it mean, I read it with the sheer hope that it would at least make me feel a little content.
The letter read:
"Dear Aphrodite,
I am extremely overjoyed. The sun rises once again in my part of the world. I feel a lot better than I ever have all because of you and your medicine. I'm sure you'll do wonderful in your future as a doctor.
I'm sorry I couldn't visit you this summer. I promise you that I was dying to visit you and wanted to so bad and I know for sure you were looking forward to it too. I was a bit too tangled up in my own work. I just couldn't make up the time.
I know I'm a terrible person. You can punish me all you want when I get back someday.
My dear Aphrodite, I have been abandoned by god. I'm at a point that perhaps, giving my life away to him would be a better option than to suffer like this.
But I'm living... all because every time I think of death, your smile flashes before my eyes and I just feel ashamed. Even if god abandoned me, I know my dear Aphrodite would always be with me. That's my only last straw to keep living.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get emotional in this letter and I definitely don't want to make you feel upset about me. Hell, I would never imagine putting my dear Aphrodite through that. Please don't worry about me and live your life as you are. I promise I will come to visit you someday.
The reason I wrote you this letter is to actually inform you about something. That child you brought with you... he can't be helped, it's better if you just give up on him. And don't even think about dragging your daughter into this mess.
With love,
Your Father"
"Aphrodite? Is Aphrodite supposed to be my mother? Also what did he mean by the child not being able to be helped?"
I thought the letter would help me but it just added more and more questions. Now I didn't even know where to go to find answers. I was doubting the fact if going down this rabbit hole would even be worth it for me.
If "Aphrodite" was really my mother? Why did her father call her that? And I never knew she wanted to be a doctor... What was even that letter?
At that point, I just wanted to go to my mother and talk about the letter but I couldn't. Maybe I'd hurt her with memories she wanted to forget. I was scared things would now take a turn for the worse.
To be honest, I felt like I was an outsider in my own house. But I was scared, scared that the truth would be way worse than I actually assume it to be. That my desire to know the truth would bring catastrophe to the entire family. That me trying to escape everything would cut the little straw the family was holding on to.
I wish my mother never told me the truth, but I assume it was all written in my fate as well.
I'm a slave, and will forever remain a slave, to my life, to my fate and to my unresolved will to be a knowledgeable slave.