-Rexdeus's Drifting Consciousness-
Pain.
Not just pain—
It felt like my body was being devoured… from the inside.
"—ghk…!" The groan slipped past my lips before I could stop it.
I could feel it clearly—my blood… moving.
Not flowing—But chewing. Gnawing. Tearing into my own flesh.
Every pulse felt like a bite. Every breath like something being ripped apart, then forced to stay whole.
This wasn't just pain. It was as if something inside my body…was doing it on purpose. As if it knew I was still alive—choosing not to let me die easily. And within that pulsing, maddening agony—
I heard something.
"Murmur… whisper… murmur… whisper…"
Thin, faint voices. As if swallowed by fog. But there was more than one presence.
Who…?
I couldn't open my eyes. My eyelids felt heavy—like something unseen was pressing them down. My body wouldn't respond. No command reached it.
But my hearing—Remained. I could distinguish… three voices.
Yes, only three.
But—I could only feel two presences?
"—ghh…" This pain—It wasn't just tearing my body apart. It was scrambling my senses.
Or… was I hallucinating?
Still, one thing felt certain—They…were arguing. There was tension in their voices. Sharp, strained emotion. Something tightly wound, unable to be hidden.
One of them—
A woman's voice sharp and firm. Filled with anger that wasn't even concealed. I didn't recognize her.
The other—
Crying. Fragile. Broken. As if every word was forced out through pain.
"Murmur… whisper… murmur… whisper…"
I tried to grasp their words—pulling them from behind the fog that blurred everything.
Slowly—
The voices began to clear.
"But he is an Anathema!! We have to purify him!" The woman's voice rang out, firm and resolute.
Ah… I see. So that's it. They're talking about me. Of course they are.
What else could they possibly do to something like me?
A monster. A creature that should never be allowed to live. And worse—I know that's true. There's nothing wrong with their decision.
The only thing wrong…is that I'm still here.
Then—
Amid the crying—
The broken voice of a girl spoke again. And somehow… it didn't feel unfamiliar. "Don't! I'm begging you, Auntie…let him live!"
"Look! He's still fighting so hard to stay alive! That's not fair!!" She choked out between sobs, "How can we decide whether someone lives or dies…when that person is still fighting…? He's still fighting…hic…hic…"
…Why are you defending me? Why…are you crying like that…for me?
I never asked for it. I never wanted to be saved. So why did you choose me—Someone who never even chose himself?
That crying—It didn't just echo. It pierced. Pressed down on something inside me… something I didn't even want to acknowledge.
That I don't understand…
Ughh—
The world began to spin.
As if my consciousness was being pulled, twisted, warped by something I couldn't resist. Their voices started to fade—dragged beyond my reach.
"Whisper…whisper…" Faint again. Broken. Fragmented.
Ghh…The pain was still there—But now it felt distant.
Or maybe—I was the one drifting away from it. Their voices…Growing smaller. Fading further.
Until—
They disappeared.
It seemed…I was sinking again.
Falling—
Back into that darkness.
—
—
Ghh…
The groan escaped again—heavier this time, deeper from within me.
How long have I been in this darkness? Time…doesn't exist here. There is no beginning. No end.
Only—
emptiness.
Then—
As my consciousness returned for the second time—
I heard it again. That voice.
"Hic… hic…" The same crying. The same girl…who had defended me.
But this time—
It was different.
Her voice was no longer just fragile—
But also exhausted, hoarse and strained. As if every word was being forced out even though her body had already reached its limit.
Her breathing was heavy—uneven.
…she's exhausted.
I don't understand. Why does it make me feel… uneasy to hear her like this?
"Hah… hah…" she gasped. "Don't give up! "
"You'll be okay…you'll make it…so don't give up…you can…hic…" Her voice kept echoing in my ears.
She was close.
Very close.
But she spoke in a rush—like she was afraid of losing something if she stopped.
Who is she talking to?
Who…?
"Ungh—" A soft, restrained groan slipped out.
And that—
Wasn't mine.
Then—
That scent. Faint…But unmistakable. I knew it.
Blood.
Warm and fresh. Seeping into my sense of smell.
Are you… hurt?
What happened? You…?
"Ungh… pa…in go away… pain go away…" From her voice—I could feel it. She was trembling.
Her hand—
touched mine. Gentle…yet firm. Her fingers gripped me—like I would disappear if she let go.
And in that moment—
Warmth came. Slowly, it began to flow from her touch—seeping into my body, spreading, filling the hollow spaces that had been occupied by nothing but pain.
Ah…so that's it.
Your words. Your wounds. Your exhaustion.
All of it—
For me. For me—someone who doesn't even deserve to call himself human. A cursed thing like me.
…Do I deserve this? Am I allowed… to accept it?
This kindness. This sincerity. This feeling—It's too unfamiliar.
But—
I don't want to let go of it. I don't want to lose this.
Please… I'm begging you…Let me feel it—just a little longer. Just a little…
My consciousness begins to fade again. Slowly. Like I'm being pulled back into darkness.
But this time—
I'm not alone. Something remains with me.
A white light.
Warm. Calm. Not painful.
If I were given a choice—I want to stay here. In this warmth. To fall asleep… inside it. And never wake up again…
Its warmth wraps around my entire body again, lulling me into a peaceful sleep.
———
"ARGHHH—!!"
My own voice sounds foreign.
Is that really me…? Or—something else… using this body?
From deep in my throat, the scream bursts out uncontrollably. Rough. Hoarse. Broken.
I keep screaming—without knowing how long it's been.
Time feels shattered.
Broken apart by the pain that refuses to stop crashing through my body.
All I can wish is…if I scream like this—maybe the pain will lessen.
But—
No.
Nothing changes.
The pain is still there. It clings. It bites. It gnaws.
Spreading through my entire body.
Every part—every nerve—every fragment of consciousness—filled with it.
Even my head—feels like it's going to split open from within. As if something is pressing, expanding, and crushing what's inside.
How long…? How long will this continue?
I'm not even fully conscious anymore. My awareness drifts—between waking and sinking.
But strangely—
The pain remains clear. Too clear. It never fades with it.
I'm tired…
Not because of the pain—but because there is no end. It never stops. Never weakens. And the worst part—I'm still here.
How much longer? How much longer do I have to let this cursed blood…gnaw away at my body from the inside?
This is the third time already.
And each time—longer. more painful.
That darkness—
Still hasn't given up trying to swallow me.
Against myself—
I should be the one who gives up first.
That thought crosses my mind, sharp and clear.
I continue to come. I continue to pull. I never stop.
…so why shouldn't I be the one who gives up instead?
But—
Just as my thoughts begin to collapse—her voice returns again. That annoying girl's voice.
"…It must hurt so much, right?"
Ah… it's her again. "Please hold on…your pain will go away soon."
" I promise…I'll make you better…I'll make your pain disappear…" Her tone is soft.Too soft. The way she speaks—like I'm some child that needs comforting.
Her hands—stroking, holding, grounding me. As if all of this…is something easy to endure.
I should hate her…but why can't I?
I'm not a child. I don't need to be comforted like this.
Then why—
Why do you keep forcing me to endure this suffering?
By holding me back from death. By dragging me back every time.
Your voice—It trembles. Soft…but not hidden. Like someone holding something back.
The fingers gripping my hand—are shaking too. Slightly, but clearly.
…or maybe—
Are you trying not to cry?
Idiot…
At least—don't let your tears fall onto my hand. Don't let me realize it like this.
Your acting is bad. Too obvious.
And because of that—
I understand even less.
Why are you trying so hard? When all I can do is hurt you. All I can do is make you cry.
Don't you realize…?
Every time I regain even a little consciousness—
All I hear is your crying. The same crying. The crying that never stops.
Don't you understand?
Your crying—makes me hate you.
Because every time I start sinking—you pull me back. And the thing I hate most is…that I've started waiting for you.
"…Ungh… pain go away… pain go away…"
You repeat it again. Like a stupid mantra that will never work.
Truly foolish.
If compared to me—You are the one who needs it more.
But—
Along with that trembling voice—whether she's holding back pain…or holding back tears—
that warmth comes again. Slowly, seeping in, wrapping around my entire body.
It dulls the pain. Bit by bit. Erasing it, replacing it with something…too soft. Too gentle. Too comforting.
And before I realize it—
my consciousness begins to sink again.
This time—
Into a quiet stillness. Inside your warmth.
If this is a dream—
then I don't want to wake up.
If this is wrong—
then let me remain wrong.
Because if this disappears—
I know…
I won't survive anymore.