At first, I thought he was just a very shy boy… just like me.
The boy's name was Maehara Maki-kun. We'd been in the same class since our first year, and he was now one of my good friends.
…He might not think of me that way, but that's what I believe, at least.
He was a precious "friend," just like Umi and Nina-chi.
However, for a while after we started school, I must admit I barely noticed him. Even though he was a classmate, he wasn't the type to take charge during class events, and he would head straight home as soon as classes were over, so I never really had a chance to talk to him.
My first real opportunity to speak with him came in September, about half a year after we started school.
It was my best friend, Umi, who created the opportunity. I met Umi when I was in the lower grades of elementary school. Back then, I had a hard time fitting in and was often alone, but she was the one who reached out to me.
She became my friend.
She was the girl who helped me find the smile I had long forgotten.
She's reliable, smart, cute, and a hard worker.
My first chance to talk with him came when she was being confessed to by a second year.
Honestly, I don't remember much about our first conversation, but I recall thinking he had a strange vibe. It might have been because I'd attended an all-girls' school from elementary through junior high and had zero experience with boys, but unlike the others who talked to me, he didn't seem very interested in me.
I worried that he found me annoying because I was always so noisy in the classroom, but when we actually spoke, that didn't seem to be the case.
He wasn't very talkative, to say the least, but he was considerate of me and even Nina-chi, who was being quite rude to him.
I could tell right away that he must be a kind person.
…So, if he didn't hate me, I hoped we could be friends. He was a bit of an outcast in our class, so I wanted to help him if I could.
Just like my best friend had helped me when I was in a similar spot.
However, I did get a little carried away and give him my contact information, which was probably too forward. Afterward, Nina-chi even warned me, "Isn't that, like, super weird?" In the end, though, he never contacted me, so it didn't cause any trouble.
Of course. Thinking back on it now, he was already good friends with my best friend by then. He didn't need my help.
…My best friend is always, in every way, one step ahead of me.
Although I let Umi have his "first," by the time the cultural festival was over, I had also become a "friend" to him… No, that's not right. At first, I think he just saw me as his "friend's friend."
A friend's friend.
To me, that's practically a "friend" already, but to him, it seemed to mean something more like a "casual acquaintance."
I was a little miffed at the time, but being treated so casually was also a new experience, so it was surprisingly fun.
Then, after a certain incident at Christmas, I was promoted to a "precious friend" in his eyes, along with Nina-chi and Nozomu-kun, who were there with us.
At the same time, my best friend changed from a "friend" to an "irreplaceable lover" in his heart.
I swear I've never once been disappointed about that. He was the one who supported my best friend when she was hurting and lonely—all because of my own shortcomings—and he was also the one who helped mend the rift that had formed between us.
I'll admit, there were times I thought he was a little unfair for so easily snatching my position as my best friend's "number one" in just a few short months, but I owe him more than I could ever resent him for. There's no way I could hate him.
Please continue to take good care of my best friend—with that thought in mind, I took a step back, watching their fresh yet loving relationship unfold. Sometimes I watched from the shadows, and other times I actively meddled, all while cheering on and enjoying the progress of their bond.
It was lonely to have more time to myself, but if my friends were happy, then I was happy too.
…Until a certain moment during our second year.
My perspective on him probably started to change during the class match right after we moved up to our second year.
For the first time since we became friends, Umi and I were in different classes, so I often found myself having to handle things on my own.
I had prepared myself for being in a different class from Umi, so I tried my best to be careful with my words and actions, but… perhaps as a result of relying on her for so long, I ended up clashing with a female classmate. It's a good memory now, and we're good friends… but back then, the atmosphere was so tense every time we saw each other that it wouldn't have been strange if we had gotten into a fistfight at any moment.
It was during that emotionally unstable time that my "friend," Maki-kun, supported me. Before, he had his unreliable moments without my best friend's help, but when things got heated, he would take the initiative to step in and mediate. During the actual class match, he even shouted in an uncharacteristically loud voice to fire up our team.
It wasn't just me; some of our classmates also started to see him in a new light. He was just that dependable at that moment. I thought he was a wonderful person.
I knew that all of this was probably because he wanted to look cool in front of his "girlfriend," my best friend.
…But still, he saved me.
I wanted to show him my appreciation, even if just a little. When I planned a spur-of-the-moment "good job" party at a karaoke place, he came along. He and my best friend were both exhausted, and I wondered what I could do for him. On the way back from karaoke, when Umi went to the restroom, I decided to let him use my lap as a pillow. It was a small gesture reflecting those feelings.
Without knowing that it was the worst thing I could have done at the time.
—Thump.
Seeing his peaceful sleeping face for the first time… The feeling of my heart pounding at that moment.
The memory is still clearly etched into my body.
I can't forget it, even if I want to. My "first."
At the time, I had no idea what it was. I was so surprised when Nina-chi saw us that I nearly jumped, and my body felt hot for a while after I made up an excuse and left.
I was so confused that I even asked my mom about it, but she just smiled and gently stroked my head without saying anything. …I'm sure she was at a loss for an answer. I'll have to apologize to her properly next time.
While I was bewildered by this new sensation, my two precious friends were growing closer and closer. Birthdays, trips, summer vacation—according to Nina-chi, though it's just a guess, their relationship has progressed quite a bit.
I'm not just one step behind, but two, or maybe even more.
But being by my best friend's side as she became happier made me very happy. When the two of them look happy, it feels like I get a share of that happiness too.
…But at the same time, I also became aware of a sharp pain deep inside my chest.
At first, I thought it was because of the loneliness of them gradually drifting away from me. I thought I was anxious, imagining how we would go our separate ways completely after high school graduation.
But that wasn't it. Of course, I'm sad and lonely about being separated from them, but that doesn't mean our friendship will end. Knowing them, if I say, "I want to see you," they'll probably come running right away to talk.
Deep down, I probably knew from the start. Even if I had no experience, it wasn't like I didn't have any aspirations. A little bit of calm thinking should have made it obvious.
And yet, for several months, I pretended not to notice this feeling, keeping my heart sealed away as I went about my days.
I thought I had to.
Because the boy who was always on my mind was my "best friend's" precious boyfriend.
Even someone as clueless about love as me can easily understand that it's wrong. They are both my precious "friends," I love them both, and I wished for their happiness to last forever. Yet, right next to them, my eyes are always chasing after him.
I know that I'm not even on his radar. The only one he ever sees is my precious "best friend."
…But, what if.
If I could be just a little bit selfish──
No, I can't.
I have to keep this feeling locked away in my heart, hidden from everyone.
If they… no, if my best friend found out about this, what would happen?
I can only imagine bad things happening, no matter what. Thanks to both of them, our relationship is finally starting to go back to how it used to be, and I would be ruining it all over again.
I definitely don't want that.
…Why did I have to fall in love with him?
Even I, who was so dense about love, have to realize it now that I've been made so aware of it.
I, Amami Yuu.
I had fallen in love with Maehara Maki-kun. With my best friend's, Asanagi Umi's, precious boyfriend.