I covered my face with my dirty, dried hands, letting my cries howl into my palms.
Why couldn't I just sacrifice myself? What's wrong with me?
Why am I so selfish?
The thoughts tore through me, each one sharper than the last. My breaths came out in broken gasps.
Pira and Cara! Why?
Why?
Why did I end that girl's life? Why didn't I find the mole and save Pira? Why couldn't I volunteer to be the conductor?
What kind of person does all that?
"Anyone out there? Ava…?" I started blabbering, shakily asking around the echoing space to see if anyone else was alive. At that singular moment, it felt like the entire world was gone. Like I was the only human alive.
"Lily?"
"... Huh? Mr. Simon," I stopped my ceaseless whining and looked at Mr. Simon with all of his shining glory and might. "Mr. Simon! You're alive!"
"Lily, what's wrong?" He peered down at me, noticing my ruggy and upset state of mind.
"..." I hiccuped, before bursting out into entire waterfalls of tears.
"Whoa– hey–!" He patted my back, showing clear concern for me. "It's okay, let it all out. I'll go get you some tissues."
Then he paused. Not like he or I wanted to go back into the bloodied classrooms.
My heart throbbed. My head spun. I just wanted to sleep.
Ugh…
I blinked once.
Then twice.
I rolled my eyes back and then closed my eyes shut.
***
"Whoa!" Mr. Simon thankfully caught Lily right before she hit the ground. Looks like she fainted from stress. It's really no wonder, considering that she had to endure two phases…
…
I should probably go to the nearest shelter… Thankfully, my house is a few blocks away from this school. But bringing a student back to a teacher's house isn't the most ideal, and it sounds a little… no matter, this is a desperate situation, and Lily clearly isn't in a good space of mind.
Mr. Simon lifted the fainted girl onto his back and started walking towards his destination
Once he arrived at his two-story house, he laid the girl on a nearby couch.
I should get some water, brew some tea…
I'll also have to talk to her about everything that's been going on…
His thoughts to help Lily and understand the new system's reality were cut short by a familiar presence.
"Who is she?" ZiChuang leaned against the wall near the kitchen, arms crossed, expression unreadable.
"ZiChuang– how are you here?"
"Snuck in obviously. Who is she? You seem to care about her, don't tell me that you were thinking about doing weird things."
Mr. Simon deliberately ignored the fact that ZiChuang snuck into his house so easily (not like he got mad or anything), "No, absolutely not. She's just like you, a student whom I care about. She fainted after completing phase two, so I brought her back here."
ZiChuang snorted. "How weak. This isn't worth your time."
Mr. Simon took a sharp breath in, his expression more serious. "ZiChuang. Don't call her weak. Anyone would be overwhelmed after what happened today."
"Whatever."
"... Do you know when phase three will start?"
ZiChuang opened the fridge, searching for food to eat (he found nothing he wanted). "Huh? Just ask System Neo, he literally told everyone at the beginning of the tutorial that if you had questions, you could ask him. Neo, why isn't phase three starting yet?"
The system's voice responded immediately, "Not all phase twos are completed. Due to differing time durations, the arrival time of phase three will start tomorrow at 10 am."
"Thanks, Neo." Mr. Simon really didn't enjoy the fact that his student was consistently referring to the robot-like intelligence as if it were a human.
"ZiChuang, you can stay here. I'll go fetch a first aid kit, and I'll treat your wounds."
"I'm going to decline staying here."
"What? Where else would you go? "
"Uh, my house?"
"That's not––" Mr. Simon could feel the distance between them. He knew about ZiChuang's homelife, a complex situation that could be described as a husband and wife living together with someone whom they considered a stranger. ZiChuang's host family hated him to the bone, only keeping him because of the contract with the exchange agency.
"Don't act all concerned. If you want to patch my wounds, do so, and then I'll go."
Mr. Simon really wanted to smack himself in the face. "Okay, let me do just that."
But when he returned with the first aid kit, Xuan ZiChuang was nowhere to be found.
Just like that, ZiChuang was gone.
***
"Where am I?" I gasped for air, slowly peering at my surroundings. I was sitting on a couch. The last time I remembered was being with Mr. Simon and then…
Did he die too?
"Ah, Lily! You're awake!" He hurried over. "I'll go get a cup of water for you."
"Mr. Simon! Oh… I thought you had died, I was so scared! Speaking of which… where am I?"
Mr. Simon poured me water from a fresh filter. He went on to explain the situation, emphasizing that he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable or anything.
"... I wanted to help you. You're one of my students. When I saw how distressed you were, I knew that I needed to comfort you, well… that was before you passed out. I couldn't leave you alone in the school building, so I brought you here."
He hesitated, then added softly, "You're safe here. And if you need to talk… You can."
Something in the softness in his tone made me crack open.
"... Pira is dead. She didn't harm anyone in the first phase, unlike me." Mr. Simon silently handed me the water while sitting down on a nearby chair. He listened thoughtfully, not interrupting me at any point in time. "I… I'm a murderer. Not only that, but now Cara is gone. She's… she's like serving this system train thing and I! I couldn't even volunteer myself the same way she did for me.
"Lily…"
"It's the truth!" I almost screamed at him. "It's the truth, I'm so selfish… I couldn't do anything right."
Mr. Simon paused, offering me the tissue box on the center table. Then he spoke.
"What's so wrong about being selfish?"
"Huh?" I looked up at his gaze to sense if Mr. Simon was lying to me.
He's not lying… he's being serious…
"... All humans are selfish at the end of the day. But that doesn't mean we aren't selfless. Life isn't black or gray. What happened to Cara, Pira, and other classmates isn't to the fault of your own. It's the circumstances' fault."
"Still… I couldn't…"
"You survived, and that's what matters. There's a reason why Cara put her faith and her trust in you. She entrusted her life to you; you meant a lot to her, no?"
"…"
"So protect that wish of hers. It's not a bad thing to be selfish, especially considering this new system. In fact, it's in your best interest to be selfish. You need to survive, not only for your sake but for other people's sake as well."
I crunched over, covering my face with the white tissue paper.
"So… Don't blame yourself. I know it'll be hard, but start believing in yourself, rather than doing the opposite."
I choked over my own air, ignoring the snot building up in my nose. "… Thank you, Mr. Smith."
He gave me a small, tired smile. "Take it easy. Phase three starts at 10 tomorrow, so go get some rest for right now, and we can form a plan later."
I only nodded in response. And for the first time since the tutorial began, I let myself close my eyes, not from exhaustion, but from the soft warmth that I felt.