The words I dreaded most slipped out of Cara's mouth.
"I'll become the conductor. Lock in my decision, please."
No.
"Wait, no! Cara no. You can't do this!"
The old man let out a gravelly laugh at my desperate plea for it to stop. "So you're volunteering, instead?" I didn't dare reply to his argument, ashamed that I wouldn't sacrifice myself for my own friend.
Shame burned through my body and mind. I should say yes. I should be brave. I should…
I just can't.
"Lily… It's okay. Out of the two of us, you should leave this phase."
"Cara…" I wept, not bothering to wipe my rolling tears down my cheeks.
"You've always been good at handling horror movies. I know you'll be fine. Besides, it's only a centillion years, right? There has to be a way to get off during those years, I'll find one for sure."
"Urgh…" I was unable to respond. My selfishness sat like a stone in my throat. I couldn't force the words out. "I can't lose you, Cara… everyone else is dead! Pira, now you… Cara…"
Cara's eyes shimmered, tears slipping down her cheeks in quiet defiance.
"Lily. I'm not going to die, I'll just be gone for a while. You can do this without me. There's nothing left for me back on Earth anyway, you know this." But I'm here! "My leg is injured. If I were to go back, I wouldn't be able to survive the dangers."
"Cara… I can't… I can't just leave you here!"
"Lily. This is hard for me, too. But both of us know that you should be the one to go…" Cara closed her teary eyes, only pausing for a second before continuing. "Haha… we aren't such a lucky pair afterall it seems…"
"No! Don't say that. We, we…"
She held my hand, holding back her chokes and cries. "We'll find each other, okay? After all this. But I want you to know this…"
"I won't reject my decision. I would rather die a thousand times than fail to protect you."
I pulled her into a bone-crushing tight hug. "I'm sorry! I'm too selfish, I can't…" I can't even sacrifice myself for my closest friend.
"Don't. Don't blame yourself." She hugged me back, the coldness spreading to my body. And then she whispered words to me that I thought she would never tell me.
"I never told you this," she whispered, "but I'm sorry. For everything."
!!
My mind cracked open, spilling memories I didn't want to remember.
***
Cara and I have always had a complicated yet not-so-complicated friendship.
Everyone in freshman year hated each other (that's how high school works), and we were all so dramatic. So it's no surprise that Cara and I hated each other in freshman year (although it's something we refuse to mention).
I could tell by the way she looked at me that she thought I was a suck-up to others (maybe I am, I don't know). In basketball, I could hear her whispers in locker rooms about me. She picked me apart like I was merely a bug, making fun of my voice and my looks.
"Cara has been talking about you." Again? Seriously? "She said that you had a lisp."
I didn't have a lisp. I had a tongue-tie, and I was just simply born with a voice different from others. But it wasn't like she was wrong; my voice has always sounded weird.
The damage was done.
I got my tongue-tie removed that week. I also stopped doing public speaking and debate, out of my insecurity.
Eventually, I hated her too, from her dirty glances to her laugh. I don't know the science behind it, but I sought any possible reason to dislike her back.
And that's when the rumors started.
"You know, Cara R? That girl? I heard she… yeah, I know, right?"
…
"No, wait, I heard she got…?"
…
"I'm pretty sure she...."
…
Cara was one of those girls whose beauty was undeniable. She was the perfect standard of conventional beauty. Maybe that was what the people capitalized on her suffering. Treated her like she was entertainment.
She would show up to school in hoodies and sweatpants, which was atypical of her usual attire of crop-tops and jeans. The dark eye bags would only ever get darker every day, and most of her time spent in class was spent sleeping. She stopped attending basketball practice, despite being the JV captain.
I didn't enjoy listening to the rumors about her. Despite our rocky relationship of hatred, being a victim was no matter to me to gossip about. What she went through was messed up, and it was horrible that others treated it like it wasn't.
…
I was waiting for the metro to arrive after practice when I saw her curled up on a bench. The area was empty that day, since rush hour was over. She had that wary look on her face, the one that she always seemed to have on. I don't know what overcame me that day, but I strutted up to her and sat next to her.
"You stopped showing up to basketball practice. Coach is worried."
"... If you are here to mock me, then leave. The rumors aren't exactly false, but that gives you no right to-! "
"Cara. I'm not here to mock you." This is none of my business, is it? But I can't help but feel bad for her.
"..." She turned her head away from me, but not quickly enough for me to detect liquid pouring down her face. "It's not like I wanted it, you know. A relative, actually. My family and everyone else think I've ruined his future, but can you really blame me for wanting him to be in jail? Whatever. I shouldn't have told you that. "
"I believe you," I said. "And I won't tell anyone."
Her shoulders started trembling. "... Keep that promise."
"I will. I always keep promises."
…
From that day on, we became closer and closer. Like something clicked in between us.
She attended practices again. Stopped wearing only hoodies to school. She regained her confidence, little by little.
She became genuine. A friend to me. We were a "lucky" duo (numbers 7 and 3 on our sports jerseys). Inseparable, to others and to us.
On occasions, I would comfort her sobbing breakdowns. But her emotions were never a burden to me.
…
"I want to escape, you know? Leave this place, and go far, far away." Cara's number one desire in the world was probably to escape her high school life, one filled with trauma and rumors. I knew her well enough to know at least that. "Wouldn't it be nice to go to a college out of state? Or travel into another dimension?"
"Someone's been reading too many manhwas recently."
"Haha! They are all copy and paste slop, but it's my slop."
"True!"
"... If I were in a fantasy world, I would want to have wings. Like an angel, I suppose. Fly up and up like a bird. What about you?"
I hummed to myself, thinking carefully. "I have no clue. But I would like to meet new people and explore different places."
"How boring!" We exploded into hysterical laughter, doubling down over our stomachs until it was hard to breathe. I don't know what it was with Cara, but it felt like I could laugh the most with her and only her.
***
"Decision locked. New conductor of Limitless Train chosen. Lily Chang is to be set back to Earth 2038."
"Wait, no!" My body started to dissipate into millions of fading particles, from bottom to top. I reached out to feel Cara's touch again, but she stepped back with shimmering tears. "Cara!"
"Lily-."
But I didn't hear the rest of her words.
In the blink of an eye, I was back in the front foyer of the empty school building.
…
"SP conditions unmet. SP ungranted to Lily Chang."