Somewhat taken aback, Tao Hua gawked at Qian Jue for a while, trying to find an inkling of humour in her expression. He searched and searched and searched that straightened old complexion, but only found sincerity void of laughter or a smile.
When he finally concluded that she meant all she had said, he lifted his hand to his cheek and scratched at the faint pink. The mere idea of looking at her was out of the question; Tao Hua wasn't certain what to say or how to react.
"Um…actually, I don't mind," he said, his voice rattling lowly. "I prefer it—not using formalities. They're hard to get used to…sorry."
There was a small bit of shame in what Tao Hua was revealing, and it was enough to wipe away the blush on his cheeks entirely. Back in Siyue Town, many who wanted something of him, or catered to his father's orders would address him as "Young Master," and Tao Hua couldn't help but feel that each time someone uttered it, he was bracing for a lecture.
But he never had the heart to tell them otherwise, so when someone finally presented him with a choice…well, he was rather eager to gobble it up without leaving a crumb behind.
Nonchalantly, of course, and terribly so in his attempt.
Qian Jue nodded, understandably. "Between us, I shall keep things casual. Now, tell me, what seems to be bothering you?"
But Tao Hua still wasn't used to such questions or what was even an appropriate response. Half of him understood exactly what it was that troubled him so, but the other half wasn't sure how to express it. So, in half-truths, he replied, "I think I'm just worried about Daoist Master Weng."
What he really wanted to say was that he was concerned about how Shan Si handled Daoist Master Weng and the situation, but wouldn't that make him selfish?
What exactly was it that defined selfishness?
"…" Qian Jue stilled, her eyes following Tao Hua's every jerky movement and avoidance. But even if he cloaked himself with a blanket and hid under the bed, he was certain this woman would see right through him.
It was becoming plainly obvious that most were right; Tao Hua couldn't conceal his emotions even if he tried. Lowering his hand, he faintly smiled and tapped his finger against his knee a few times, just as Qian Jue continued speaking.
"Are you sure there isn't more to it? Few—if any at all—mourn for Master Weng. I can't say he doesn't bring this misfortune upon himself."
"Um…mmm…mmmmmm…" Tao Hua swayed his head, acting as if in thought—he wasn't, nor did he think much. In actuality, his brain was screaming at fifty kilometres per second. He kept the humming up until there wasn't any breath left to offer, and finally said, "N-no. Yes? I…I'm not sure. Hescaresme."
"Then is it about Our Lord?" she asked. "Are you worried about Lord Shengkai?"
Read like an open book, all Tao Hua could do was dip his head in resignation. Slowly, he nodded.
"What about Our Lord has you lost within your head? Many only treat his mediation as an afterthought here in the palace. The word of Our Lord is law in Chuhen Palace; it's always been that way and will remain that way," she said plainly. Tao Hua lifted his eyes to find hers staring down at the low table between them. "Please forgive me, but I feel there's more to it than his discipline. Are you under the impression Master Weng shouldn't face retribution for going against Our Lord's orders?"
In most cases, many would take Qian Jue's words as condescending, but Tao Hua didn't. There was some genuine curiosity and worry laced within her professional attitude.
Perhaps it was better to be upright and honest. But Tao Hua feared mentioning it all to Shan Si the same. What was he supposed to do?
Letting out a weak sigh, he asked, "Was he always like that?"
"Lord Shengkai?" Qian Jue affirmed, to which Tao Hua offered her a nod. It took her a moment to think of a response before saying, "It depends on what you consider 'always' to be. To some, always could be for as long as they've known the person, while to others, it could be for as long as that person has lived. How do you view him? As Shan Si or Lord Shengkai?"
Tao Hua awkwardly shuffled a bit, thinking deeply about the question. He didn't fully understand it, but he knew the answer, regardless. "I see him as Shan Si."
"Then his actions within the palace must have horrified you. Not many see him as Shan Si—there are only few who do, and that number is dwindling with each passing day," she said, somberly. "Many flames die at the first breath of air, while others ignite ferociously. Do you think it's possible for both to exist on the same candle of always then and always now?"
Looking away, Tao Hua felt a tinge of sympathy. A dying flame could absolutely reignite in a matter of seconds when given sufficient oxygen. But which applied to what? What side of Shan Si was the dying flame, and which was the burning one?
And did she mean the candle existed before Tao Hua met Shan Si, or the moment Tao Hua met him?
Riddles always confused him, almost causing a roaring headache.
"It's just that…" Tao Hua rambled on, catching a soft glimpse from Qian Jue. Each time he spoke, his words would lower in volume until falling to a high-pitched whisper. "I don't know which is which. Back home…when I met him, he was someone completely different, and I—um, I really liked that. When he's carefree, and stuff."
Affectionately, Qian Jue smiled, her brows drawn backwards. "Is that so? Which flame did you meet that day?"
But Tao Hua still didn't know which flame she meant! It was slightly infuriating, and all he could do was scratch the side of his head to ease the frustration.
When he compared himself to the very idea, nothing seemed to click. Which of the two applied to him?
It felt like he'd been burned to the ground and remade countless times, so Tao Hua wasn't sure of the answer.
"I…I don't know."
"Paint me an explanation. I hear you're a riveting storyteller."
Tao Hua paused. Did Shan Si tell her that, and was it meant to be a compliment or an insult?
"I wouldn't go that far…I really don't know how to put it." Pressing his lips together and awkwardly popping them open, Tao Hua tilted his head toward his shoulder bashfully. He didn't want to go into detail about all his actions—especially the more intimate ones. So, he did his best to be as straightforwardly discreet as possible.
"Passionate? Poetic, maybe? He was captivating, and knew how to lead a conversation. Um, like a person with hopes and dreams? And…"
Tao Hua stalled, thinking about the bookmark and Shan Si placing it on his sword. "He was sentimental."
"I see." For a moment, Qian Jue went silent, which made Tao Hua question if perhaps he had said more than necessary and overstayed his comfort. When she finally spoke, nothing said helped ease his mind, and his worry only heightened tenfold. "Are you certain the flame you met that day was genuine?"
"Ah…" Tao Hua felt slightly ashamed, his smile weakening drastically. "I think...maybe? It felt real enough for him to smile and laugh. When handling Daoist Master Weng, he didn't seem that way. I always thought that for someone to be happy, they had to smile and laugh."
"Happiness is subjective, but you're right when saying it involves positive emotions. The issue with emotions is that they're nonlinear. Not all smiles can be trusted, and laughing can be done mockingly," she said, causing Tao Hua's own smile to drop fully.
She was right—Tao Hua mostly only ever experienced happiness being used against him. However, Qian Jue completely flipped the script midst Tao Hua's thinking, causing his reaction to whiplash.
"But even knowing that, trusting yourself is trusting in your version of reality. I think you already know the answer to that which you are asking."
Trusting myself? Tao Hua thought. What a foreign concept.
Had he ever actually trusted himself enough to wave his hand in that very candle, and brace both versions. Even when he had been burnt countless times over, he'd always tried to remain himself through and through, so the idea never truly crossed his mind.
But when he thought back, there were many times he wanted to hide that pitiful version of himself from others—mostly Shan Si. And then when it came to the new faces he'd met, there was a fear in others finding out just how unlovable he truly was.
Perhaps there were two versions of himself, much like Shan Si?
But Tao Hua wasn't sure, and in truth, he couldn't quite decipher it.
"The thing with Lord Shengkai is that many are shoving him into a box far too small for someone of his stature," said Qian Jue. "Fitting into that box means leaving behind many things, even if they're sentimental and important. All things important to us are quite large, aren't they?"
Tao Hua nodded.
"But you get used to it, eventually accepting change," she said softly. "So, let's say someone finally presents you with a box big enough for both candles, what do you do?"
"I don't know…" Tao Hua replied, frowning. He was experiencing it now and struggling with the reality, even if it was what he'd always dreamed.
Dreams and realities often walk different paths, parallel to each other.
"Correct. No one knows what to do; they just have to start anew and try to reconstruct what they've once experienced from the ground up. Life goes on whether you're prepared or not." Qian Jue carefully placed her hands on her lap and lowered her eyelids. "Add in the box and you know which of the two flames you're witnessing. I'm not permitted to say much on the matter, but I can tell you is that between these two flames, there's the one made up of a child raised by his mother, and another made from the teenager sullied by his father. So I ask once more: which is better? To fan the flame or blow it out?"
Tao Hua pursed his lips—all of what Qian Jue said made his earlier anger feel completely one-sided, when it was apparent both he and Shan Si weren't far from each other. Not once did he ask how it made Shan Si feel; he just flew off in a rage, assuming the worst of him.
Part of him felt justified in doing so, but the other part of him felt he wasn't giving Shan Si enough time to speak on the issue.
Then, something entirely popped into his head, and it was in staring up at the red and gold that travelled along the walls, reminiscent of a view long past.
A third option.
"I think I'd rather nurture that flame," Tao Hua declared, nearly causing Qian Jue's smile to melt into her cheeks. "Even if it's an old candle shoved in a dusty old box, or a candle reconstructed…I think both are worth being cared for."
Chapter end.