Just when he thought things were slowly returning to half-decent, Tao Hua was beginning to realize things weren't as simple as he hoped.
He searched Shan Si's expression for anything integrity within his terms or at least any trace of what once was. The threat and the reason…none of it added up to his actions. Even if he tried, there was no understanding this man who held him at the tips of his toes.
Figuratively and metaphorically; Shan Si was the hardest book Tao Hua had ever tried to read.
In an attempt to control his breathing, he nearly fell into a fit of hyperventilating. This game of emotional whiplash, after an eventful day, was already taking over Tao Hua. The fatigue was creeping in quickly.
"I-I'm sorry…?" asked Tao Hua.
"You asked, and I answered," said Shan Si. "Don't tell me you're not associated with the relic of this town."
He pressed his thumb into Tao Hua's wrist, but it wasn't nearly enough to cause Tao Hua to flinch in pain—in fact, it wasn't even rough at all.
"Don't you think it's time you stopped acting like a skittish cat, Tao Hua?" said Shan Si. "I know you're smarter than this."
Tao Hua froze, and his brows indented at the mention of the relic again.
Why is he so insistent…?
Whatever the reason was that had this man so hellbent on finding one in this small, insignificant, useless excuse of a town, Tao Hua didn't know.
But what he did know was that he was now dragged into it, with little to no knowledge on the subject.
It was his own lies coming back to bite him in the ass, and they nipped at him hard.
In fact, Tao Hua knew this could so easily be solved had Shan Si just abducted his father instead of him. At least then Tao Hua could live a half-decent life.
But that was all nuance; semantics thought at a time when semantics were nothing more than wasteful.
With a mutter of confused and anxious noises, Tao Hua made his last attempt at reasoning with this contradictory creature.
"But there isn't one—"
Terrible answer. Tao Hua flinched as Shan Si dug his thumb into his wrist more; the sweat trailing along the reddened skin.
"I really don't know what you're looking for!—ungh! " Tao Hua cried, reaching his hand to cover Shan Si's hand. Though there was no comparison between the efforts, he still tried to pry it off. "Father barely tells me anything! I-I'm the wrong person to ask! Please…"
Shan Si glared at him, digging his thumb in more.
"I-I'M BEING HO—" Another pinch, and a squint to the pale eyes. Tao Hua, midst his heavy breaths, whispered, "I-I lied earlier. I don't know much about them."
"If…" Shan Si paused, and his face contorted with frustration with the smallest sliver of desperation. "That doesn't make sense, Tao Hua. I'm getting tired of these lies."
I-I'm not lying--Does he actually think I know something?! Thought Tao Hua, but none of it made any more sense than it stacked on complexity to the entire situation. Shan Si didn't look naive in the slightest.
If anything, that spark in his eye spoke the words of someone with a bit too many trust issues.
And when it came to his motives on wanting all the relics…that's what didn't make sense! If he really were the thief, well-known in Zhonglai, then why even steal them to begin with?
As far as anyone knew, they were only pretty objects, best used to look at, with energy far greater and yet more useless than most.
They were treasures worth thousands, and yet Shan Si didn't look like someone who needed money. But even if he did, there wasn't any trace of someone selling the relics across Zhonglai.
But even if Tao Hua tried to ask, he knew damn well Shan Si wouldn't answer. His eyes just darted down at his sleeve, and then at Tao Hua with a squint.
Did his book have something to do with it…? Or was that a threat?
Tao Hua gritted his teeth.
"F-Fine! I know something!" he lied. Hastily trying to wedge his hand between Shan Si's thumb and his wrist, he winced and whispered, "Please let go."
Tao Hua was so caught up with this, he didn't notice the extreme switch in this man's personality. Seems this man was nearly as delusional as he, and possibly just as miserable.
No…he was far more miserable than Tao Hua.
"That's better." He glared up, his lips curling into a smirk that was more desperate than satisfied. "I guess it's a good thing we're research buddies, right? Not just useless or a pretty face. You know exactly what to say. Smart boy."
Tao Hua halted, his fingers only partially shoved between the two. It was like a giant brick labelled "realization" was thrown at his head upon hearing research buddy and then the word "pretty."
It was the nicest threat he'd ever received in a world where threats and accusations were the norm.
Tao Hua slowly gave up on the hand, and his limbs went somewhat limp.
Which was worse?
Tomorrow was the end of all he enjoyed; all of his dreams and aspirations. Even if he felt guilt toward Gui Chang, he also knew she didn't want to be with him.
So, what was momentary grief would only account for a blip in time, right? Both she and the town would move on, and maybe then she'd find her happily ever after.
And his father…Tao Hua's lids fell.
Of course he'd be in a much better position had Tao Hua not been born. What was the difference if he were kidnapped?
As for the town…they wouldn't even bat an eyelash either—if anything, they'd just grow bored with no one to discuss negatively.
And ultimately, he looked within himself and then to their afternoon of playing "research buddies."
That's when Tao Hua realized something, as deep as a dark trench filled with fireflies.
Regardless of his choice, he would always have to perform to make someone happy. Why not choose the illusion? At least there was even the smallest hint of happiness as opposed to the monster that actually bared its teeth.
This beast at least had a nice smile.
Tracing back every insult, accusation, and every small thing he loved ripped from his hands, Tao Hua finally came to a decision.
He side-glanced the books on the ground. Even if this man wasn't the kindest…Tao Hua barely understood kindness and didn't have much to work with.
Therefore, he'd grasp at whatever straws presented themselves and also take advantage of a man as delusional as him. And he'd do this, even if those straws were made only of sugar.
This time, the thumb pressed right into his skin amid the contemplation, and that's when his eyes snapped open. He met the white before him, and for once, matched the determination that fired within.
In an act of self-preservation, Tao Hua did something that would entirely rewrite the rest of his life.
In this man's firm grip, Tao Hua went entirely limp; he stared up at the ceiling with a look of complete and utter surrender. He compared his entire life and the rest of it to a single afternoon spent at The Bookstore, and then to his dream.
It wasn't such a bad dream.
Thus, the illusion within this dichotomy was strikingly clear, stunningly dressed in black and gold.
If he was going to be used, it was better to be used by someone who could keep up with him, right?
He looked up at the face that was written in shock and confusion, and all Tao Hua would say to it was, "Okay."
Shan Si glared down at him. "Okay…?"
"Okay."
Shan Si pulled him up, roughly, but Tao Hua was nothing more than a rag doll in his hands. The annoyance crept back onto his face, and he asked, "Okay to what?! Explain!"
"I'll go."
A few blinks, and then a face that couldn't be explained in words. "I never gave you a choice."
"Okay."
Immediately, Shan Si released Tao Hua, letting him sag to the ground mindlessly. He stared at him as if he'd just touched something revolting—but not entirely.
There was something antithetical about his stance, and the way his eyes had traced over Tao Hua. He took a wary step back, almost clenching his hands into fists.
But those hands weren't made for the person laying useless on the ground.
Instead, Shan Si turned away from Tao Hua, moving toward the window, and entirely kicked it off its hinges. He just watched as it smashed against the bricked terrace, sending its reddened splinters through the outer courtyard.
"Stop wasting time moaning; let's go."
Tao Hua watched as Shan Si paced the room, grabbing the chair from the door, kicking off the handle, and carrying it to the window. He observed all this while remaining useless on the ground, completely swamped in his own contradiction.
That was the moment Tao Hua learnt the duality of feelings, and how they existed in the realm of paradox. To every throb were two feelings that flickered in contrast.
Tao Hua didn't know if that was the moment he remained asleep or woke up from the dream.
Chapter end.