"You are—" the bungeoppang guy's words cut off as Taekwang's voice called out loudly, more like thunder, while running down the path, "Joohwan Hyung!"
Taekwang barreled through the little scatter of people with a ragged breath and flushed face. Behind him, Noochan too barreled with wide eyes and crunched with the same mixture of worry and disbelief that was caused by me.
Taekwang reached me first, his hands grabbing my shoulders, holding them as I would even jump if they didn't hold me. "Hyung, what the hell were you doing?! Are you stupid?! Do you know how worried we are?!" his words spilled out, angry and ragged, but his fingers were strong yet trembling. He kept looking at me like he wanted to slap sense into me, if I weren't older than him, but also hug me all at once.
Noochan stopped a pace back, scanning me like he was checking if I got hurt anywhere, and then back at the two men that had almost forgotten they were still here. Noochan's brows drew closer as if he knew them.
"You are...are...Han Sungmin, right?" he asked the hazel guy who pulled me back, and Sungmin nodded his head a little, then Noochan looked at the bungeoppang guy. "You are...Hosung, right?" he asked him, too.
"Y-yeah, we are, but you—" before even the bungeoppang guy—I mean Hosung could finish his sentence. Sungmin cut off, "Kim Noochan!"
The Hosung guy scrunched his nose with a frown on his face. "What?" He whispered to Sungmin, and Sungmin turned to him with a grin. "Remember the all-time top one of the class, on whom Ha-joon and Joon-woo always compete?"
Hosung blinked, his brows furrowing deep as if he were rummaging through his memory. The steam of the bungeoppang puffed between them. "Top one of the class...?" he muttered under his breath, his eyes narrowing a little and widening with the recognition.
"Wait—" Hosung's gaze shot back to Noochan, scanning his face more closely. "You're that Kim Noochan? The one who always crushed every test like it was nothing? Ha-joon and Joon-woo used to lose their minds over you every single time!"
Noochan's ears reddened at their words, his lips twitching between embarrassment and irritation while his dimples peeked out shyly. He shifted uncomfortably, muttering, "That was a long time ago."
"Long or not, some things stick, and we didn't expect you would remember us; you know how busy you were with books at that time," Hosung said with his lips curling into a heart-shaped smile that kind of felt weird to me; maybe I should call it unique, I guess so.
Taekwang, who'd been standing stiff with his hands still on my shoulders, glanced at each of them with an incredulous look. "Great, reunion time. Fantastic. Meanwhile, does anyone here care that my hyung almost jumped off a bridge?!" his voice cracked at the end, his anger slowly turning low, but I could feel the panic.
His words pulled the three, who used to be classmates, back from their unexpected reunion mood. Sumgmin's grin slowly slipped into an embarrassed one, his hazel eyes softening again, and Hosung just looked at Taekwang as if to see who had said those lines.
"Oh, Actually I had pulled him down," Sungmin said a little sheepishly. He lifted his hand and showed from where he crossed the road for a stranger while explaining, "I saw him standing on the bench, and well, I ran over."
Taekwang's anger fully drained; he left my shoulder, turning to face Sungmin fully, his eyes were shot red from unshed tears, and he cleared his throat, sniffing the cold air, before looking up at Sungmin again. "Th-Thank you so much for saving my hyung," he said, his words cracking between them.
Sungmin's expression softened further, the embarrassment on his lips fading into a gentle one. He shook his head once, brushing it off. "Don't thank me. Anyone would've done the same," he murmured. When he looked at me, I quickly turned my head to the other side.
"He's right, you don't owe thanks. Just...make sure he's safe, alright?" Hosung said, nodding toward me.
I almost...almost laughed at how these guys are thinking; people would never care, even if you are alive or not doing fine or going to die, until they lose them... just like me.
"Hyung..." Taekwang said, grabbing my attention; he held my hand in his, his eyes holding the tears, swallowing the lump. "Please do—don't ever do that again," he whispered the plea.
"We should go," Noochan said, placing his hand over Taekwang's shoulder. "This isn't the place to talk," he added reluctantly, cutting off the conversation.
Taekwang gave a nod without looking at Noochan. "Let's go home," he said.
I wanted desperately to tell them everything. To tell Taekwang that I didn't want their pity, that their worry stung because I had failed him, failed Yoonsuh, and failed everyone who had trusted me. I wanted to tell Noochan that his calm, practical voice made me ashamed because I couldn't be that calm and collected. I wanted to tell Hosung and Sungmin that their words—"Anyone would've done the same"—were a lie the world told itself to sleep easier at night. People didn't run across the roads from strangers. People only watch; they honk the horns, and they leave. But the words died in my throat just like my hope to live.
Noochan's voice cut through the fog in my head as she spoke, "You should leave too; we will take care of it from here," he said turing to Sungmin and Hosung, but Sungmin's eyes were still on me, staring at me like he had to ask many questions that he wasn't sure if he had the right to ask. He looks kind of familiar; maybe it's because he was Noochan's classmate, or maybe I do know him from the school since I was a senior when Noochan was there.
"Alright, please take care," Hosung said with an awkward smile, trying to sound normal. And Sungmin didn't move immediately. He stood there until we walked away. When I turned my head back, his hazel eyes were already on me, but not with pity, yet something for now I couldn't name.
As we left the bridge, Taekwang broke the silence; his voice was hoarse but steadier than before. "Thanks, hyung."
Noochan gave him a pressed-lip smile, the kind that wasn't showy but carried weight all the same. His dimples appeared faintly, like a reassurance that he will always be there. By the time we reached home, the familiar creak of the gate felt foreign. The house was loomed over by the night's darkness, except for the yellow glowing light from the kitchen.
"Hyung...please don't scare us like that again." Taekwang's voice pulled me back before my inner demons started to swallow.
I sighed and closed my eyes; his pleading sounded small and ferocious at the same time, so much like the kid who used to hide behind my back in middle school and so unlike the brother who now had to hold the parts of me together. It worsened things, like always. Every time he gave me that look, the weight of what I'd done crushed harder against my chest.
If I had just jumped in without staring at the water or allowing my thoughts to consume me, Sungmin would not have been able to save me, and I would not have been a burden of worry that they should always have to check in as if I were some mentally ill person.
I don't deserve their concern.
I don't.
Sungmin POV
"You should have been careful while rushing to save him, Sungmin," Hosung said, breaking the silence. The bungeoppang had gone a little soggy from the steam and the cold, but we were eating it anyway, because what else do you do after hauling a stranger off a bench? "I almost thought you were going to get—"
"I didn't get hit by any truck, okay? And I won't," I snapped it out, more frustrated than I meant to, and then immediately regretted the tone. Hosung snorted, half-amused, half-exasperated, and took a bite that sent a cloud of warm steam into the air. "Relax. I know how to cross a road."
Hosung rolled his eyes but didn't argue. I know why he is concerned with me dashing in the middle of the road. It wasn't about tonight; it was about that day.
The day I had been hit.
I don't properly remember the crash; people told me afterward it had been an accident, maybe even a miracle that I didn't get too seriously hurt, but my memory holds nothing about it. Ah-in said I had run into someone to save. A guy. She swore she saw it; she saw me shove him back and take the hit. But no matter how hard I tried, no face came to me, no name, just blankness.
The doctor said memory loss wasn't unusual after these kinds of accidents, that shock sometimes wipes the moments away like a duster erasing the chalk on the board. But sometimes I see some fragmented flashes of the movements, the face of his, and a faintly heard name, and then nothing.
So maybe that's why I had run tonight without thinking, why my feet had moved before my brain did. Maybe some buried part of me still had those moments in my head to save the person. But I didn't expect that the stranger that I saved was the one I had seen in my dream who jumped off the building. Joohwan. How is it even possible to see someone outside your dream who is a stranger to you?
Hosung nudged me with his shoulder, jolting me from my thoughts. "Eat before it gets completely gross. Hero complex or not, you're still useless when you are hungry."
I managed a small smile, but inside, the unease still lingered. The memory gap, the faceless boy, then Joohwan in my dream... "Don't you feel like we have seen him somewhere?" The words slipped from my mouth even before I thought I could ask, making Hosung turn his head to me, his mouth still having the stuffed bungeoppang.
He hardly swallowed it, saying a 'huh' as if asking me what I was asking. I shook my head, taking a breath, and said, "That guy I saved, don't you think we have seen him before?"
Hosung stared at me for a moment before quickly looking away. "I don't think so," he said, his words muffled.
"Yah!"
"Tch, maybe. I don't remember Sungmin; it's not like I have such a good memory as you."
Hosung rubbed the back of his neck, still avoiding my eyes. I couldn't tell if he was brushing off the topic or trying not to let me go deeper.
I pressed my lips together, not sure if I should push it. "It's just... It was weird seeing him there; the way he looked, it felt like I'd already seen him... Like I knew him before I knew him. "I said more to myself than to him.
Hosung huffed out a laugh, short and quite forced. "You and your déjà vu stuff again. Maybe you are mixing him up with someone you know or one of Noochan's well-known seniors—" he stopped himself with his eyes blown wide as if he had slipped his tongue.
My head snapped toward him. "Wait. What?"
Hosung blinked too fast, his mouth opening and closing before he shoved the last bite of bungeoppang into his mouth. HE swallowed it quickly. "I mean, he looked familiar to me too, and I used to know that Noochan had good connections with seniors, so maybe like that," he said, which is quite convincing.
My lower lip jutted out as I nodded my head up and down. "Maybe," I thought.
"Yes, and yeah, we are getting late. I need to go. Ah-in must be waiting, and you too; don't you have work tomorrow? let's quit that topic here."
"Yeah, yeah, I do." I rolled my eyes and sighed deeply. I was already fatigued, but the word "office" itself made me feel much more so.
Hosung grinned broadly and brushed crumbs from his palms. He added, "Alright, see you then," waiting for a little nod from me and the silent smile that came over my lips.
We parted ways at the crosswalk, Hosung sprinting ahead with his uneven bounce; his golden retriever energy never wanes, no matter how old he gets. I dragged my feet more slowly under the weight of my thoughts.
If Joohawn were Noochan's senior, I might have known him as well; perhaps I couldn't recall because I'd only seen him once or twice. But why did I have a dream about them? All this time, I had only seen flashes of the faceless boy, but this entire dream that I had this morning was different in location, along with the surroundings, while I wailed and screamed his name.
I couldn't figure out where this puzzle fit; perhaps I'm exaggerating. Maybe it was just a random dream, but the intense emotions I felt make me wonder if there's more to it than that. It's strange how our mind can sometimes reveal things we don't even realize we're thinking about.
Anyway, He wasn't a stranger after all. In fact, he felt oddly familiar, like someone I had seen once, just once, I guess.